Three Months Official

Three months of blog catch-up is more than this summertime mother of five has time for-- so you get pictures and one-liners!

We finalized our adoption! Someday (I'd like to say in a couple weeks when school begins) I'll find time to put my emotions from Adoption Day into words.

We celebrated by crossing state lines- WITHOUT notifying our case worker!

And we got a little silly away from home.

Miriam danced in her recital- a big kid in the LATE show this year.

And Amos rocked out on stage with her.

We sent the kids to camp, Grandma's and Auntie's house while we hit the California coast to celebrate ten years of marriage.

We walked Golden Gate Bridge

And slept on cliffs above the ocean

We started to pray about and plan our next chapter. I have to say, I'm pretty excited about the next leg of our journey!

Letting Go of Me and Expectations. 11 Days and Counting...

This week, I gave up my last "me" commitment. I finished my last religious education class and told my team lead that I wouldn't be teaching next year. Ten years of Wednesday evenings spent sharing my faith with the children in my parish... ten years is a long time. Maybe too long, or maybe I'll be back one day.

For now, at least, I felt unable to offer consistent quality to my class. And those kids deserve quality. There were weeks when I felt like our conversations and lessons were divinely orchestrated, weeks when I was inspired to create beautiful prayer stations and opportunities to connect to Christ. There is no doubt that my church kids learned more than Sacraments and Saints. Together, we grew closer to God. And it is SO VERY HARD to walk away from those weekly meetings.

I too often forget that what I am doing at home IS God work. When I forget that fact, I usually find myself failing at my calling. And it is difficult to admit to myself that managing my motherhood might be all that I am capable of in this season of my life. Resigning myself to a life lived solely for my family is pretty scary, but deep down, I believe it is where JOY waits.

The world tells me that I need to reserve some life for myself, and there is truth in that, but there is also temptation and confusion and blurred lines that are easily crossed. I don't always WANT to give up my life before foster adoption. I don't always like the work in heart-healing. I don't always like the reality of healing broken hearts because I stumble and fumble through the darkness of it every day. I make mistake after mistake, and sometimes I feel myself start to lose my footing. I all-to-often forget that these hearts are fragile and do not truly mean the hurt that they cause. When I forget, I get so wrapped up in surviving the war that I also forget that I am not the one who has to fight it. I don't have to fight my kids, I get to team up with them and fight FOR them.

If all goes as planned, we will finalize our adoption in just 11 days. We have spent the last few weeks going through misery and darkness. We have been hot-lined and investigated. My son has called me horrible names and thrown countless tantrums. We have had days and days of silence. We have realized that we don't really trust in our workers (because when you're being investigated, it's hard to really trust that they all have your back even when they say they do). In the last few weeks, we have accepted the worst-care scenario for our son's future and made arrangements and agreements on how will expect to handle it should we find ourselves there. And by the grace of God, we find ourselves at peace these days. Yes, we are prepared for a life where we aren't always able to help our son by ourselves or within the walls of our house. But we are hopeful and trusting in God's healing mercy. We are anxiously awaiting the finalization of our adoption so that the dust can finally settle and we can begin to fit the broken pieces back together.

We Asked... An overdue story.

We knew that Miss A was ready for adoption. She would talk about the future years with the assumption that she was ours and we were hers. But when it came down to being able to actually say the words that fourteen year olds must say, she couldn't quite voice that she wanted to be adopted. 

Amos and I felt it important that she knew that we LOVED and WANTED her, and that it wasn't a favor we were doing or a work of charity or anything of the sort. She is a blessing in our life, and we didn't ever want her to think that we were anything but grateful for her. 

We decided to tell her so.  

Early on a Sunday morning, I packed a tub of chalk into my purse and snuck off to the park where we first laid our eyes on our precious kiddos. I walked to the exact spot we stood waiting to visit with her social worker, unaware that our daughter was literally within reach of us. 

I spent a few minutes sketching out a simple message:

From the moment we first saw you... We have loved you.

Amos and I had planned this day for weeks, and I was so nervous and unsure of how the events would unfold. I was nervous that this would be too grand a gesture for our A... nervous that is would be too small. Nervous that we were wrong, and that she didn't really want adoption, and that we would make her feel terrible for saying no... or trapped into saying yes.

After church, we left four of our kids with my parents and headed out for an afternoon with Miss A. 

The day began with brunch at a "fancy" restaurant. It was outside of Miss A's comfort zone, and I was sure we'd made it too obvious that we had a plan in the works. 

Afterward lunch, we faked a necessary run to the next town over and a "spur of the moment" visit to the park. She had just been asking us the day before to go, so it was an easy sell.  

We walked around the pond, did a little swinging, and then headed to the car where we had left a board game. I suggested that we sit at the picnic tables to play for a while. After a skeptical look, Miss A obliged and followed us toward our proposal spot.

We gave her a moment to notice the colors on the ground, read her name, and realize that her entire day had been carefully planned for this moment.

Then Amos presented the ring we had searched for. We told her that we loved her, that we were incredibly blessed that God sent her to us, and that we didn't want her anywhere else but with us in our family. Then we asked her if we could adopt her as our true, forever daughter. I watched her eyes begin to well.



And then...





We waited...




And waited...



After a minute or ummmms and oh my goodnesses.... , I suggested that we sit and play our game. It was an incredibly awkward half hour. The question was out there, unanswered. Amos and I weren't able to talk about how to proceed except for a few glances. We joked and played our board game, but we were really just waiting to see what happened next.

We packed up the game pieces, and I held back to let Amos take the lead. We walked back to our spot, and after a moment, Amos asked gently, "So what do you think?" She said, "I think... YES"

Amos placed the ring on Miss A's finger. We hugged, we cried, and we took pictures. Then we headed to our favorite coffee shop (where we'd taken A on Meetcha Day) to celebrate.


I knew that our sweet girl felt special, but I wasn't sure if she'd given us a yes freely until I started to hear her tell other people about her ring and the proposal. From then on, it was easy to talk with Miss A about name changes, about how we thought life would be outside the system, about our dreams for the future of our family.

We are still waiting for a court date to be scheduled, but we all have peace. Adoption isn't an IF anymore. It's only a matter of WHEN. 

There is Work to be Done

At our therapist's suggestions, we have started talking about the A word more at home. We selected our adoption attorney, and she seems fabulous! She deals exclusively with adoptions and has already proven to be a wealth of knowledge. During our first conversation, she told me that if I drove our paperwork to our state's capitol city, I could have the kids' new birth certificates as soon as the day after adoption. No months of waiting! She has also adopted personally, and I feel at peace with her guidance. 

We are back to the paperwork. We have signed subsidy contracts. We spent two days filling out attorney information forms. I have chased copies of birth certificates, social security cards, and TPR orders. Name changes to be solidified. Psych evaluations have to be administered. 

I think the kids are feeling reality setting in. Emotions have been a bit heightened, and I have seen hints of behaviors that have been absent for over a month. We are persevering and doing our best to keep them all appropriately updated on the adoption progress. 

The possibility that Miss A will decide not to be adopted is in the front of my mind these days.  At fourteen, adoption will ultimately be her decision. I keep looking for ways to let her know that she is forever family even if she decides against adoption, but I don't want her to think that we're not over-the-moon excited to be her parents. I don't want her to choose adoption because she worries about disappointing us. I want her to know and trust that we love her unconditionally, but I know that isn't a reasonable expectation for me to have. 

Ultimately, I am, once again, doing my best to let go and let God. He's navigating us through this maze, and I try (and fail daily) to keep my focus on Him. There is much to be done. But allowing God to work on our hearts and our family bond HAS to be my priority now more than ever.

Diamonds... The Pressure is Worth It!

A few months ago, when our honeymoon phase was just ending, I sat in church and listened to our priest speak about diamonds. Incredible pressure and intense heat is required to turn a dark lump of coal into a precious, radiant gem. I remember sitting in my pew with Amos and our five kids, wiping away a few tears that I just couldn't hold back, praying that God would, indeed, make something beautiful and precious from the pressure that we were feeling.

For a while, the pressure increased, and sometimes I thought it might crush us. 

We stayed the course in spite of our terror, 

our doubt,

my weak desire for our former, simple life. 

We stayed the course. 

We endured the pressure. 

We clung to our hope for diamonds. 

God is faithful, and he answered our prayers in a BIG WAY! 

Suddenly, I saw our precious. Our rare, beautiful, treasure. I kid you not, within a week, our misery subsided, and I found my family in this incredibly peaceful place. 

Don't get me wrong, life with our five very individual kids will likely always keep us on our toes, but the kids are seriously AMAZING these days. Our younger three play beautifully together nearly all the time. Mr. J has had a complete turn around. He is helpful, polite, a hard worker, and his attitude is awesome.

Our family is feeling like a real forever family. 

I'm thinking and planning ways that the seven of us will serve our Lord together. I am starting to look forward to fostering again. I can hardly believe that our life felt like hell just a month ago. That's God, folks! 

I'm finding myself looking forward to finalizing our adoption. We will sit down next week to review and sign adoption subsidy paperwork. We are preparing the kids for last name changes and considering the addition of new middle names. Adoption will likely happen in early March. In less than two months, we'll be legal, official parents of Mr. J and Miss A. No more double checking Instagram posts to be sure that I'm not posting their sweet faces. No more asking permission for travel, no more fumbling though my answer when doctors ask what my relationship is to them. I won't have to explain that I'm both foster and adoptive mom. 

I'll JUST BE MOM. 

Christmas Break Felt Like a Christmas Miracle.

Christmas break drew to an end on Sunday, and we're back into the swing of things. To my surprise, the time with the kids home was actually good for me personally. I really expected to be crying into a bottle of wine before New Year's. Don't get me wrong- I shed a bucket of tears around Christmas, and one day, after a tough yesterday with A, I could barely hold myself together long enough to open presents with my parents, siblings, and niece and nephew. I was pathetic and embarrassing, but the day after a Wash Day is exactly that. It's just that usually no one is around to see me in the thick of it.

I expected to be crying into a bottle of wine by the new year, but the routine of having to mother all day long proved satisfying. I think I had started to slip into a bit of a depression prior to the holidays, and the long quiet days while the kids were at school made it oh so easy to feed my laziness and call it self-care. 

For the record, self-care is NOT sleeping for two hours in the middle of the day. It is not Netflix binges. Self-care is productivity. It is active prayer. Helping others. Socializing. Playing games. Going for walks. Living, at least loosely, by a schedule. Doing your job and doing it well. 

In the past three weeks, I have been proud of my mothering. It hasn't been perfect, but my heart has been in it. We are a world away from where we were a month ago. Our boys have spent much less time trying to force each other to be the sibling they hoped for. I see acceptance starting to sprout, and I'm praying that God will show me how to nurture it. 

Over the school break, I reached my limit of ignoring Mr. J's disrespectful answers to nearly every conversation we shared. I was tired of the sarcasm, the hateful exasperation Mr. J would throw at us constantly, and the incessant defiance. Attention seeking, we were told. ODD, we were told. Sibling competition, we were told. Trying to figure out his role in our family, we were told. I was done. It was time to stop excusing the bad behavior with a list of tough circumstances. I sat in our minivan and lectured my new son. I spoke to him sternly and lovingly. I told him we were finished with the behavior he was hiding behind. I assured him that I saw the boy behind all that and loved him more than I could explain. I told him that we were done with his attempts to hurt others' feelings. From that moment forward, I would tolerate no more of it. He was golden for the rest of the day. The next morning, Mr. J tossed an eye roll and a sarcastic "I'm goooooooooooing!" my way when I asked him to put his shoes on.  I directed him to sit on the stool beside me, got close to his face, looked him in the eye, and said, "I told you we were finished with that behavior, and I mean it's OVER NOW." Another hateful remark landed him home for the day while the others were brought to play with relatives in from out of town. We have lived with a zero tolerance policy for Mr. J since then. By God's grace, I have gradually seen less of Mr. J's mask and more of Mr. J.

A couple months ago, a parenting effort like this one would have led to a meltdown complete with screaming and threats of self harm, running away, or hurting others. I was SO proud of how Mr. J took my ultimatum- unhappily, but calmly obliging. What I see in that change is growing trust.

Mr. J has started to tell stories, talk about his bio mom and his life in foster care. I listen intently to every word. The glimpse into his head isn't very comforting (there's a lot of pain there), but the fact that he is sharing leaves opportunity for healing. 

We are not out of the woods, but we are in a place where I believe there is a clearing ahead. I can see God's grace around me again, and I am able to do more than simply keep everyone safe and fed. God is good, and He has not stopped working in this house, in these hearts. 

What a Year of YES Looks Like

Last year, Amos and I started out incredibly excited to fully embrace the 2014 that God had planned for us. We wanted to say YES to God, be completely open to what His plan was in our life. 

What lofty, romantic notions New Year's Day brings! Looking back, I really feel like we did what we set out to do. We prayerfully said yes to God any time that we felt He was asking of us. 

But I certainly did my fair share of kicking and screaming along the way. I'm pretty good at that. I want God's plan, but I want it on my terms, with warm fuzzies, security, and support from everyone around us. Oh, and I really don't want to give anything up along the way! 

God blessed us abundantly in 2014. 

We opened our home to many of Jesus' sweet children. Some came for the night and stayed for days... and we thought they may stay for a while longer. I miss these boys so much. They were a respite turned emergency placement, and what work God did in my heart while they were with us. He taught me that I could love children as my own. And he afforded me the experience of seeing with my own eyes that imperfect family is so much better for us than anything else. I said goodbye to these two knowing more than ever that I wanted ALL our kids to return home. 

We started to learn about the system from the inside and our hearts grew space to love biological families. We saw the difficulty they have in finding and keeping their voices in the overwhelmingness of the system. And we did our best to bring the good that we saw in them to the attention of workers. 

God blessed us with plenty of time as a five-some along the way too. We had fun. We adventured. We bickered. We loved. And all the while, I soaked up every last moment of the simplicity.

And then, Oh MAN, did our life turn upside-down! We had no sooner officially opened our home to emergency placements than got a call at 7PM on a Thursday night listing a string of siblings' ages and genders. Seven in all. We were able to accept two of them. We saw our first court hearing with these two curly heads on our laps. We knew early on that these two had no business being in the system. We loved their parents and wanted nothing more than to take our girls home to their parents. But we work with a caution system, a fact that I appreciate. And so we waited, and advocated, and continued to do our best to keep the parents involved. We invited them to WIC appointments, doctor appointments, and had just invited them to share Easter with us. 

And then came the team meeting. The meeting that I prayed and prayed that God would do something BIG with. The meeting that we walked into hoping that they would extend visits and ended up getting to take our girls home to their parents. That was my most favorite day of foster care so far. I still get updates from their mom occasionally and send her little notes of hello once in a while. As much as I would love to see the girls, I believe it's best for everyone for their ties to be cut clean.

This year, we were able to foster the talents of our kids. We did our share of nerdiness. We danced. We sang. We sent the kids to camps.

We said yes to homeschooling for a few weeks and loved it. 

We watched as Noah grew in his faith maturity and received the Eucharist for the first time.  

And we played some more. We had expected and planned for our beach trip to include our foster girls, so it was extra special to revel in the simplicity of beach life. I think I could live there on that beach, but it's really the simplicity that draws me back over and over. I am so thankful for the days of carefree fun.

We came home and almost immediately got our first baby girl for a three day respite. It was a blast to have her smiley face around. She was sweet, happy, and such an easy baby to care for. The kids loved entertaining her so much that they never realized she was entertaining them too!

We day tripped as a five-some for the last time. 

We accepted another respite care for ten days. These two girls were our first school-aged kids. They were so much fun to entertain! We swam, tie-dyed, visited children's museums, watched movies, blew bubbles, and did the summer classics.

We grew close to great friends who have supported us in this crazy life of ours, whom we love dearly, and whom I will always be thankful for.

God brought Miriam the perfect school for her. I am forever humbled by his amazing directions. She is thriving scholastically, behaviorally, and in her faith. 

And FINALLY. God brought our babies home. This picture makes me smile and cry. It is the epitome of life now. We are all running to find shelter from the pouring rain, but we are all in it together. 

I read this on Tiffany's blog this morning, and I was moved by it.

"Perhaps you have not yet handed Him the pen, and I want to encourage you to give it a try. Or perhaps you have, but you are inside the middle, and it is hard and lonely and painful, and it feels like it must be the end. But friend, it's not the end. He is still writing your story. He hasn't left you and closed the manuscript. The pen is still hovered over you, and He is still writing. The hard times, the moments when God is silent, the painful pages that seem to suck the life from you, they all have a purpose in your story... Be patient, wait with hope and expectation, because God writes the best stories. Trust the Author of your story. What He is writing is better than you can ever imagine. ~~A Moment Cherished

We are most definitely in the middle. And it is certainly hard and lonely and painful. Last year, I started the year with the word YES in the front of my mind. This year, I want to keep saying yes, but I want to be at peace with the middle. I want to WAIT PATIENTLY. I want to HOPE. I want to EXPECT the beauty that God has in store for us!

Happy New Year Friends! May your year also be filled with Hopeful Expectation!

This Boy.

Five months ago you rounded a corner and looked up at me with surprise as if you hadn't been expecting to see me. My son, I sure wasn't expecting you either, but I am so thankful that God placed us together. 

I know this life you're living right now feels three sizes too big. I see your eyes, always watchful and alert. I watch you try to get bigger when you start feeling small. But I want you to know that it won't be this way forever. I am here for you, son. You are safe, you are cherished, and you are loved just as you are. 

There are moments, son. Moments. I notice your tensed shoulders relax. I hear a genuine, joyful giggle escape from your belly. I see you comfortable inside yourself. I want you to know that I am fighting and praying for those moments. And I want you to know that I will wait with you for those moments to stretch into hours and then into days. 

Son, God is working on us both. He moved mountains to bring us together. He was preparing me to be yours long before I knew of you. He is teaching me to be your mommy. I wish I was a faster learner. You deserve a momma who knows just what you need, and you don't deserve the wait for it. My sweet boy, you've waited long enough. But PEACE IS COMING! In our weakness, God's power is made perfect. My sweet boy, God is going to get us there together. 

My son, I want you to know, truly know that you are GOOD! I want you to know that and FEEL that in every part of yourself. You are God's son before anyone else's, and I am blessed by each day that he allows me to be your mom. 

I love you, Sweet Boy.

Giving Credit where Credit is Due

This morning after family therapy, as I was following up with our counselor, he mentioned to me that I had an incredible ability to keep my composure as a parent. I've had enough training to know that was the start of an Oreo Cookie, and sure enough that compliment wafer was followed up by the creme filling- the concern that I internalize my feelings. I smiled and assured him that I has several women with whom I could be candid as well as a couple fantastic Facebook support groups that have been phenomenal resources. I reminded him that I was blessed with empty school days to take care of myself and be ready to tackle parenting each afternoon. I don't view family therapy as a forum to pour out my own emotions. I'm still a parent there, and my job is still to be a confident leader of my family. 

This week, our counselor witnessed my reaction to fear. I wasn't pretty. I was barely able to hold myself together in front of the kids. I had a lot of "what if's" floating though my head. Seeing a fist mark on the side of a kid's face will do that to a person. I lost my faith for a moment. That day I struggled with my own knee jerk reaction to protect all my children, and I was very afraid we would be unable to do that. It was my rock bottom, and we called in help to navigate the situation. Calling help when you're in The System is unnerving! After all, these people have the authority to dismantle our family. The week snowballed  in reaction to my emotions, and before we knew it, we were sitting in an informational meeting about intensive services that felt much more like an investigation. My whole week was completely consumed with talking to Children's Division, and as the hours and days wore on, I became more and more frustrated and felt less in control of my family, as if CD was making all my choices for me. I felt an incredible need to set boundaries between us an them, and at the end of it all, I think we did a decent job of standing up for our rights and for our family.

As an adult, I've always been comfortable to be at peace within my crazy. It is truly the most freeing for me to remember that life will always come with trials, and that God is going to keep carrying me through them. I wish that had been my response to the therapist's concern this morning. I tend to think talking about my faith in a clinical setting won't cut it... as if God won't be deemed a good enough outlet for my stress. But there is no way we could be walking through this darkness without the light of Christ. He has carried Amos and I through this maze of parenting experiments, protected the hearts of our bios, and has done wonders in healing our new additions. 

In therapy, Amos and I are commended for these accomplishments, but I know we have had little to do with it. All we've done is seek God's will in our life. I want to do a better job of giving credit to HIM.

Check-In. Random Updates from Our Pre-Adoptive Home

I'm relieved to say that life in the King family has been much more enjoyable in the last ten days! I am so very thankful for the peace that has replaced some of our turmoil. There are so many elements at play in our family dynamic that I don't even try to figure out the reasons behind our happier days. I just know that God's grace is allowing us to fumble through the crazy. 

We took our first road trip together last weekend. I was a little nervous about driving a full seven passenger mini-van four hours away, but we accepted the challenge. I booked two adjoining rooms (because we are apparently that family now), bought a third car-friendly video game device, and packed our essentials. We woke up early, attended 8AM Mass, and headed west.  We saw my sister's family, spent a couple hours in the hotel pool, visited Crown Center, and did some quick shopping before heading back home. 

We started an experimental reward system with the youngest three kids. Hourly (or close to hourly), I assess each child's behavior toward others. Each child who has used only kind words AND a loving tone to speak earns a star on my phone app. Kids who ear all of their stars get to play video games on the next car ride that is longer than 30 minutes. So far, the system seems to have produced more loving relationships-- and more peaceful van rides. I am praying that 1) I am able to keep up with it and 2) that the newness of the system and games holds out long enough for the loving words to become habit. 

Mr. J called Noah his brother the other day. I wish I would've captured Noah's face. It made me smile and want to cry all at once. That sweet kid is dying for acceptance from his little brother. He is doing an amazing job of hanging in there and being patient. I've watched Noah mature in leaps and bounds the last few weeks. It has been amazing to watch. Don't get me wrong. He's still an 8-year-old boy, but his self control alone has matured a year's worth in just a few weeks. My sons aren't best buds yet, and they may never be, but they are learning to live with each other. For now, I'll take it. 

Miriam had us pretty worried at school when she started showing some signs of stress there. We hadn't seen much of anything concerning at home, so we were blindsided when her behavior at school spiked. A meeting with the teacher. Typical Miriam issues. Strategizing. Lots of praying. Her behavior coincided with end of our honeymoon at home, and for that I was thankful. I bought her a sketch book and was startled to see how much she poured into the pages. All her sadness and frustration that she'd been saving up spewed out in words and pictures on her pages. After that day, she was back to her best self again. 

My teenagers are doing well. Miss J is helpful as ever and is learning how to be a big sister to A instead of ONLY a friend. It's been a great blessing so far. 

We have a few unknowns that we are working through with both girls- I think that comes with teenagers. I'm always half-expecting some giant issue to surface. In the meantime, I am working teaching the girls about self-respect and serving others... and I am enjoying both girls as much as possible while the going is good! 

Wash Day

I dislike dwelling on the negative in my life. Honestly, I am blessed with so much daily grace, and my children are full of love for each other and our family. In the interest of giving a transparent look into our foster adoption, I'm going to be real for a moment.

Life in my house is a mess! 

We tend to have several decent days in a row, and by decent I mean that we have no physical fights or raging meltdowns from anyone. Is it sad that I call it a win when no one screams at or hits anyone?

Every few days, we have a "wash day", the kind that leaves me so overwhelmed that I can barely make myself sleep because I know I have to wake up to do it all over again in the morning.

On these days, the boys are typically extra irritable. The teasing, kid-parenting, and hatefulness are ridiculous, and I am baffled by their seeming inability to just LEAVE EACH OTHER ALONE! On wash days, Amos and I spend the majority of our time refereeing the boys and trying to keep the girls from jumping in and dog-piling the arguments. It's a whole lot of awesome.

Wash days consume two days because it takes my crew a day or so to recover. I am beyond blessed by my weekday respite while the kids are at school, but the aftermath of wash days usually leaves me wanting to curl up in bed after the kids are delivered to their buildings. I usually settle for laundry and Hulu. There is always plenty of laundry.

I've watched this cycle for a few weeks now, and we are strategizing with family therapists and each other. The general consensus is that our boys are competing for Dad's attention. It seems to make sense. Mr. J is so excited to finally have a dad, and Noah has been Amos' only right-hand man for eight years. There is some major turf marking going on! Amos and I are trying to treat the problem and the behaviors simultaneously-- as much as one can ignore, nurture, and reprimand all at once.

Each week, Amos and I revamp our parenting strategies to try another approach. First we spent two weeks ignoring hatefulness that was, at the time, largely directed toward us. Next, we attempted to implement a time out strategy for all five kids. We used time out when they had any physical contact or hateful words. Most recently, we have been focusing on giving the kids choices instead of telling them "no." This has been particularly helpful with Mr. J who seems to ALWAYS require us to threaten a consequence before he will obey. It is exhausting to retrain myself AND my kids on a weekly basis, yet I am thankful to have a coach looking at our larger picture and helping us keep our heads above water.

We are weary, so weary. But I catch glimpses, when the boys are tree climbing and bike riding or when they are chuckling together over cereal bowls, of what our life will look like when the dust settles and the pieces start to fit together. When Miss A invites Miriam to play director while she practices for band, when my teenagers sit whispering together in the back of the minivan, I see the beauty that will remain when the push and pull of claiming each other subsides.

Goals and Game Plans. One Month into Pre-Adoptive Placement.

There is less newness in our house these days. I know what to expect with each day, and while I'm finding it impossible to keep up with the demands of a house and life as a family of seven, I am slowly making peace with the dishes, the piles of shoes by the doors, and the endless loads of laundry.

One day the clutter will be a priority again, but in this moment, it is trivial. 

Resting in that knowledge has given  me so much more energy this week. I am exhausted, yes, but I do not feel to-my-core worn out like I did last week.

Last week, we were clearly transitioning out of honeymooning (finally!), so there were days of watching and learning and bracing myself.

This week, we have a goal and a game plan. 

Our younger three have resorted to pretty hateful language when they are not getting their way. Outbursts can range from "This is stupid" to "I hate you" and may be directed toward each other or toward Amos and I. They have also begun to intentionally get under A's skin, and her response is not always pretty. These new parenting demands have left J on the sidelines much of the time. We consulted our experts and decided that these behaviors are partly habit but mostly attention seeking efforts. The suggestion was to completely ignore all angry words used when the kids are upset. The counselor asked me if I thought the kids were all getting enough one-on-one attention. That question struck at my heart.

WHAT??? 

I am SUPPOSED to be able to give all FIVE of them enough one-on-one attention right now? 

Is that seriously a reasonable expectation of me a month into our new life? 

NO, sir, I am not giving them enough one-on-one attention. 

I am lucky to give them all breakfast and clean socks in the morning!

After I got over feeling like a failure, I sat back and reflected on our parenting. It is not new for me to feel like the kids need my attention every moment of every day, and it is not new for me to be on the receiving end of verbal anger from both Noah and Miriam. In the last couple weeks, those angry behaviors have escalated dramatically, but they have always been present to a lesser degree. I always thought that these behaviors stemmed from Noah's general personality and possibly his giftedness which often comes with a lag in social skills. And I just assumed that Miriam had mirrored his behavior. It may very well have started this way, but I'm pretty certain that I've allowed it to become a habit. 

This week, I have one goal-

1. Decrease the number of hateful outbursts in our family

This week, I have a game plan-

1. Avoid giving any attention in response to angry outbursts.

2. Coach the kids on ignoring ugliness from one another instead of responding.

3. Institute a weekly FAMILY NIGHT. 

4. Check in with both boys, one-on-one, every day. 

I'm feeling pretty good about how our last couple days have gone. We've had several outbursts, but I've been able to connect to the kids on the receiving end and coach them through the drama. Sweet A usually ends up blowing her top before the behavior subsides, but even she successfully distracted herself in the car last night while Miriam was doing her best to get under my skin. It's going to be a slow process, but I have faith that these outbursts will begin to decrease and eventually dissipate. 

Thankful

Someday I'm going to look back on the last two months here in blog land. They will be nearly empty. And I will remember this time in my life as a time when I was learning about service. Service takes on a whole new meaning for me these days, and I am thankful. I am thankful that I wake up five children, most of them grumpy, every weekday morning to prepare for school. I am thankful for the times when I have to help my eight-year-old get dressed in the morning because he just needs someone to do life with him once in a while. I'm thankful for the five hours I have each day to cram in loads (and loads and loads) of laundry, paperwork, errands, and appointments. I am thankful for the hour of rejuvenation I have some afternoons. I am thankful for the drive to pick up my youngest from her school and the much needed one-on-one time it affords her. I am thankful for crazy evenings filled with chores, appointments, practices, games, homework, and lessons. I am thankful for children who need bedtime stories, backs rubbed, and prayers said.  I am thankful for teenagers who crave time with me after the younger ones go to sleep. I am thankful for the sheer exhaustion that I feel every night.

In this moment, our life is hectic, complicated, sad, and scary. There are many unknowns, many bridges to cross, mistakes being made, and tears shed. I've watched our bios show signs of stress and begin to work though growing pains. All five of the kids are starting to show their true selves to each other, and with that honestly comes the need to learn how to be post-honeymoon siblings. There are hurt feelings. There are rude comments. There are stolen front seats. There is a frazzled mom who can't find time to cook a real dinner most nights. There is a phenomenal dad who seems to be holding the mom together (honestly, he's amazing) and desperately needs a day to himself.

In all this coming apart, there is a foundation of trust being built. Every time a disagreement resolves itself, we get to show the kids that we're committed, that we're not going to ask them to leave because they have a bad day... or week. In all this coming apart, there is Christ, and there is LOVE. There is FOREVER.

Overdue Care... of ME.

Over the last two months, I've been pouring all my energy into preparing our life for two more kids. And I haven't dedicated any energy whatsoever into taking care of myself. I'm probably 10 pounds heavier, definitely 10% less energetic, and 10% more depressed. Life is finally getting real around here, and I'm feeling the effects of my physical self-neglect BIG time.

I've had to nap during the day to have enough energy for the evenings. I can't seem to get remotivated during my days if I take a break. That means I either do nothing for entire afternoons, or I work myself into exhaustion because I'm afraid to stop. This is NOT ME! I learned long ago that I feel like my best self if I'm eating crazy-healthy and exercising intensely 3 or more days a week-- duh! How can I NOT give my family my best self?

For myself, and for my family, it's time to rededicate myself to taking care of myself, inside and out. Yes, I've added two kids to my crew.  I have three school-aged kids who need constant supervision and help learning how to be each other's sibling. It is mentally exhausting to wrap my mind around all the adapting that needs to happen.

BUT what I'm seeing in embarrassing clarity is that I simply cannot focus ALL my efforts on my children. I HAVE to take care of me first. I have to make sure my own oxygen mask is on before I can rescue my kids.

The Years are Fleeting

This afternoon I drove past my girls' future. Groups of incoming college freshmen orienting themselves with campus. For me, back-to-college weekend in recent years has been one filled with nostalgia and reminiscent smiles. It's been filled with excitement for the kids who left their homes to soak of their final years before adult responsibility. Images of soaking up sun on front porches, listening to music in a nerdy fraternity's back yard, and walking into classes nearly skipping have filled my mind as I watch the students' nervous excitement all over town.

This year... this year was different. This was the year I realized that I had just a handful of years to prepare my girls to do life away from home. The briefest of years are ahead of us, and I find myself wondering how we are ever going to be ready. J has had 14 years of careful nurturing and guidance. Even with nearly a decade and a half with her, I feel like there is so much left to teach. Which makes me a little panicky about our sweet A. There is so much lost time, and more time that will be spent getting to know and trust each other before teaching can be the focus. It's overwhelming and leaves me breathless just thinking about the tiny number of days she has under our roof.

Miss A is a phenomenal kid. Truly, we are so blessed by her each and every day. She is a phenomenal big sister and daughter. She is happy to help out and seems to want to be around Amos and I more than alone. She is extremely intelligent, witty, and a great listener. And then there are moments when I can see the loss from years without consistency, without adults to invest in her and love her enough to give her boundaries. Those moments strike my heart and knock me to my knees. The responsibility is huge, the lost time vast, and my wisdom small.

Two weeks ago, a guarded teenager moved into our home. Praise God, each and every day, I have watched her begin to trust and to love and to rely. The layers are becoming slowly and steadily thinner, and I know that God is working miracles in her heart.

Homecomings

Written a few days ago... 

J came home last night from her Dad’s, and it was a happy happy evening for us! As thankful as I am that she has her dad in her life, the six weeks that she spends with him every summer seem like eternity for me and for Noah and Miriam. Life just isn’t the same without my firstborn around! Although we have plenty of parenting to do with her, she is growing up so much. She is incredibly helpful with the littles and is so happy to play pretend games with them. She and Noah, in particular, have gotten close over the last year, bonding over all things fantasy and science fiction. I’m so thankful for that bond- otherwise I’d have to be carrying on conversations about Dr. Who and Star Wars on a regular basis! J’s homecoming was another huge date in our transition into our family of seven. 

We have three kids back under our roof, two left to come. 

Our daughter, A, will be coming home to stay forever in just THREE DAYS!! It is a scary and exciting time around the King home. Things are about to get real around here. The fun dating phase of our transition is coming to a close, and true colors are going to start to show. My hunch is that A’s transition will come with some growing pains, but with patience, perseverance, and prayer, I have faith that we will get through the worst of it. The plan is to pray our way through one day at a time, or one hour if necessary. 

Last Day of July and School Plans

I cannot believe that July is over! We started the first day of the month with our staffing interview, and our new daughter is sleeping in her bed here as we roll into August.

Our life continues to unfold, slowly but surely. Miss A has been here nearly every day since she met the kids last Sunday. Tonight is her second overnight visit. She seems to be doing really well, and my biggest concern is how crazy Noah and Miriam are making her. Those two have been maniacs when A has been here- LOTS of negative attention seeking going on around here! The crazy thing is that as soon as she went back to her foster home on Monday, they made a complete turn around and were best friends for the rest of the day. I'm doing my very best to be patient yet firm and to give both littles as much individual attention as possible. Honestly, though, I'm barely keeping my head above water. There are moments where A is able to see Noah and Miriam as the sweet siblings they are, and I am thankful for the few glimpses that she has had.  I'm just not sure how to navigate everything. It seems nearly impossible to juggle everyone right now. We are trying to get to know our new daughter and allow her to know us as parents. Simultaneously, we need to give the kids time to get acquainted and also nurture and reassure the bios. It is a crazy mess!

Mr. J will have his first overnight visit this weekend. His meet the kids day last weekend was pretty calm, and everything really seemed completely natural. Noah and Miriam were vastly different than they were with A. I think the reason may be that J was more interested in playing with the kids, and A is more interested in being around Amos and I. Maybe there is more parent sharing with A and less of a  play date atmosphere.

In just eleven days, the school year will begin for three of our kids. A few days later, Mr. J will begin his year, still with his foster parents, and Miriam will enter the small Catholic school a town over from us. The classes there are blissfully small. The 6 kids in her grade will be paired with the second graders, and the entire classroom will be less than a dozen kids. There are only about 30 kids in the entire school. I could not be more thrilled with the path that God has provided for my youngest child. She is ecstatic about attending Mass with her class, and she is slowly coming around to the idea of dress codes.

With all five kids in school, I hope we'll be able to settle into a routine and find out what the new dynamics of our family will be. I'm trying to move forward with little expectations, but over and over I start to make assumptions.  There is a constant need to hand my family over to God. I have to remind myself that I am powerless without Him. But with Him, amazingly beautiful things are possible!

Meetcha Day and Random Photos

Meetcha Day was pretty amazing. I didn't expect the surreal motherly feeling that I had meeting our new son and then our new daughter.

Watching our son walk around the corner toward us was every bit as awe-inspiring as giving birth, and our first hours together were every bit as awkward yet perfect as those with our newborns. There were scared eyes and stiff backs, there were periods of silence that weren't so comfortable. There was a string of simple questions and answers shot across a table of ice cream. And then- THEN- there was a moment when I was able to mother him, and he was grateful. A sparkle in his big searching eyes. And a genuine giggle of delight. As soon as we broke through the discomfort, it was time to say goodbye.

As we walked toward our new daughter, I saw a glimpse of shyness that was so much like her brother. I had to hold myself back from turning into a sappy mess right there under the heat of the summer sun. This was my daughter, the one I'd been praying over and working for for I offered a simple hug. We drove an awkward five minutes to the coffee shop that Amos and I frequent, ordered, and sat down to visit. The two hour visit was much like a first date, lots of get-to-know-you conversations and stories and a few awkward moments. We dropped her off after a quick photo to commemorate the day, and that was it.


I'd like to spend some time reflecting and forming words from my emotions, but life is a whirlwind of mothering, home reorganization, kids' schedules, housework, and school year preparations.

Teenage Organization-- if only it could stay like this forever! 

For now, my quiet time is all but obsolete, and that is ok. This is what it means to welcome children to your family-- functioning on less sleep than any person should, realizing that it is 2:00 and you have yet to eat a bite, and resenting the 30 minutes that it takes to become half-presentable in the morning.

Three of our seven bracelets

My life right now is filled with giving my three kids who were already here voices and validation, managing attention-seeking behaviors, and offering praise and cuddles any chance I can find.

14

I'm feeling the need to find care for them while I work but an unwillingness to send them away from me. My life right now has a business that is truly more than I have ever known

Quick trip to visit Aunt J!

Meetcha Day Eve

Meetcha Day is tomorrow! We are still scrambling with final preparations (what do you wear to meet your kids anyway?), but Amos and I cannot wait to finally, FINALLY meet our son and daughter! 

After church, we will go to our visits. It will be Amos and I with each child individually. We'll meet our son first, then our daughter. Tonight, I am thankful that our new kids are the same age as Noah and J. I'm hoping that all the practice conversing with them and their friends will make it easier to avoid the awkward silences. 

Our daughter texted last night to see what the plan was for our visit. It was my first (sort of) direct interaction with her, and it made me want so badly to start this transition and have her home to stay. I pray that she feels the same way! 

I keep wondering about our son who we know so little about. I wonder what he's thinking, if he's excited or nervous. I can't imagine tomorrow from his 7 year old perspective. I hope we are able to connect with him tomorrow, at least in little ways, and that when we say goodbye, he feels hope and a seed of security.

As for the other three kids, they will wait for our stories from the afternoon and hope that tides them over until the kids all get to meet next weekend. 

Growing into Seven

Our Shutterfly books came in last Thursday, and they are beautiful! I'm so excited to give them to the kids so they can see a bit of their new family. 

A friend of mine suggested that I make bracelets for all seven of us to wear until we're under one roof, so I spent my many recent car rides knotting threads. They are finished and four of the seven of us are wearing them. I'm praying that all seven of us will have them by the end of the weekend.

No official word on a transition schedule yet. There are some strings that have to be tied up this week, but we are supposed to be forming a visit schedule and setting a tentative move-in date in the meantime. It's been pretty quiet on the Children's Division end. I'm trying to be patient and appropriately pushy. I have a feeling I'll become a little less appropriately pushy if we haven't set a meetcha date by the end of the week.

While we wait, there is plenty to keep up busy! We've been a family of five for six years. I didn't realize how tailor-made our life is for that number: living room seating for 5, kitchen seating for 5, water heater meant for 5, beds for 5. There are so many home adjustments to make, and it seems more daunting with the older ones than when we were getting a new baby. Maybe it's the shorter time frame or maybe it's the ages. Either way, we hit the ground running last weekend and haven't stopped!

Friday was Miriam's dress rehearsal for her recital. 

On our way home, we visited this place-- 

and scoped out a new dining room table, kids bedroom furniture, and extra living room seating.

Saturday before the recital, we drove one of these babies--

a TWELVE passenger van that was a little intimidating to maneuver. My five feet did not feel like enough height to operate the thing, but we're supposed to give it another try before we abandon ship. It would be really great if the kids were able to bring friends in our vehicle. We'll max out our current minivan with the seven of us. 

We've visited furniture store after furniture store over the last four days, so many that they are all a blur. The shopping list is prioritized, and if the budget runs out, we'll table the rest of the list for later.

I found beds for the teenagers online-- I'm really hoping that they work and are sturdy! 

http://www.overstock.com

Everything else is yet to be purchased. I am beyond ready to have the house set up. I feel like if the house is organized, it'll be one less thing for me to stress over once the transition starts.