This morning after family therapy, as I was following up with our counselor, he mentioned to me that I had an incredible ability to keep my composure as a parent. I've had enough training to know that was the start of an Oreo Cookie, and sure enough that compliment wafer was followed up by the creme filling- the concern that I internalize my feelings. I smiled and assured him that I has several women with whom I could be candid as well as a couple fantastic Facebook support groups that have been phenomenal resources. I reminded him that I was blessed with empty school days to take care of myself and be ready to tackle parenting each afternoon. I don't view family therapy as a forum to pour out my own emotions. I'm still a parent there, and my job is still to be a confident leader of my family.
This week, our counselor witnessed my reaction to fear. I wasn't pretty. I was barely able to hold myself together in front of the kids. I had a lot of "what if's" floating though my head. Seeing a fist mark on the side of a kid's face will do that to a person. I lost my faith for a moment. That day I struggled with my own knee jerk reaction to protect all my children, and I was very afraid we would be unable to do that. It was my rock bottom, and we called in help to navigate the situation. Calling help when you're in The System is unnerving! After all, these people have the authority to dismantle our family. The week snowballed in reaction to my emotions, and before we knew it, we were sitting in an informational meeting about intensive services that felt much more like an investigation. My whole week was completely consumed with talking to Children's Division, and as the hours and days wore on, I became more and more frustrated and felt less in control of my family, as if CD was making all my choices for me. I felt an incredible need to set boundaries between us an them, and at the end of it all, I think we did a decent job of standing up for our rights and for our family.
As an adult, I've always been comfortable to be at peace within my crazy. It is truly the most freeing for me to remember that life will always come with trials, and that God is going to keep carrying me through them. I wish that had been my response to the therapist's concern this morning. I tend to think talking about my faith in a clinical setting won't cut it... as if God won't be deemed a good enough outlet for my stress. But there is no way we could be walking through this darkness without the light of Christ. He has carried Amos and I through this maze of parenting experiments, protected the hearts of our bios, and has done wonders in healing our new additions.
In therapy, Amos and I are commended for these accomplishments, but I know we have had little to do with it. All we've done is seek God's will in our life. I want to do a better job of giving credit to HIM.
Saturday, December 13, 2014
Thursday, October 23, 2014
Check-In. Random Updates from Our Pre-Adoptive Home
I'm relieved to say that life in the King family has been much more enjoyable in the last ten days! I am so very thankful for the peace that has replaced some of our turmoil. There are so many elements at play in our family dynamic that I don't even try to figure out the reasons behind our happier days. I just know that God's grace is allowing us to fumble through the crazy.
We took our first road trip together last weekend. I was a little nervous about driving a full seven passenger mini-van four hours away, but we accepted the challenge. I booked two adjoining rooms (because we are apparently that family now), bought a third car-friendly video game device, and packed our essentials. We woke up early, attended 8AM Mass, and headed west. We saw my sister's family, spent a couple hours in the hotel pool, visited Crown Center, and did some quick shopping before heading back home.
We started an experimental reward system with the youngest three kids. Hourly (or close to hourly), I assess each child's behavior toward others. Each child who has used only kind words AND a loving tone to speak earns a star on my phone app. Kids who ear all of their stars get to play video games on the next car ride that is longer than 30 minutes. So far, the system seems to have produced more loving relationships-- and more peaceful van rides. I am praying that 1) I am able to keep up with it and 2) that the newness of the system and games holds out long enough for the loving words to become habit.
Mr. J called Noah his brother the other day. I wish I would've captured Noah's face. It made me smile and want to cry all at once. That sweet kid is dying for acceptance from his little brother. He is doing an amazing job of hanging in there and being patient. I've watched Noah mature in leaps and bounds the last few weeks. It has been amazing to watch. Don't get me wrong. He's still an 8-year-old boy, but his self control alone has matured a year's worth in just a few weeks. My sons aren't best buds yet, and they may never be, but they are learning to live with each other. For now, I'll take it.
Miriam had us pretty worried at school when she started showing some signs of stress there. We hadn't seen much of anything concerning at home, so we were blindsided when her behavior at school spiked. A meeting with the teacher. Typical Miriam issues. Strategizing. Lots of praying. Her behavior coincided with end of our honeymoon at home, and for that I was thankful. I bought her a sketch book and was startled to see how much she poured into the pages. All her sadness and frustration that she'd been saving up spewed out in words and pictures on her pages. After that day, she was back to her best self again.
My teenagers are doing well. Miss J is helpful as ever and is learning how to be a big sister to A instead of ONLY a friend. It's been a great blessing so far.
We have a few unknowns that we are working through with both girls- I think that comes with teenagers. I'm always half-expecting some giant issue to surface. In the meantime, I am working teaching the girls about self-respect and serving others... and I am enjoying both girls as much as possible while the going is good!
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Wash Day
I dislike dwelling on the negative in my life. Honestly, I am blessed with so much daily grace, and my children are full of love for each other and our family. In the interest of giving a transparent look into our foster adoption, I'm going to be real for a moment.
We tend to have several decent days in a row, and by decent I mean that we have no physical fights or raging meltdowns from anyone. Is it sad that I call it a win when no one screams at or hits anyone?
Every few days, we have a "wash day", the kind that leaves me so overwhelmed that I can barely make myself sleep because I know I have to wake up to do it all over again in the morning.
On these days, the boys are typically extra irritable. The teasing, kid-parenting, and hatefulness are ridiculous, and I am baffled by their seeming inability to just LEAVE EACH OTHER ALONE! On wash days, Amos and I spend the majority of our time refereeing the boys and trying to keep the girls from jumping in and dog-piling the arguments. It's a whole lot of awesome.
Wash days consume two days because it takes my crew a day or so to recover. I am beyond blessed by my weekday respite while the kids are at school, but the aftermath of wash days usually leaves me wanting to curl up in bed after the kids are delivered to their buildings. I usually settle for laundry and Hulu. There is always plenty of laundry.
I've watched this cycle for a few weeks now, and we are strategizing with family therapists and each other. The general consensus is that our boys are competing for Dad's attention. It seems to make sense. Mr. J is so excited to finally have a dad, and Noah has been Amos' only right-hand man for eight years. There is some major turf marking going on! Amos and I are trying to treat the problem and the behaviors simultaneously-- as much as one can ignore, nurture, and reprimand all at once.
Each week, Amos and I revamp our parenting strategies to try another approach. First we spent two weeks ignoring hatefulness that was, at the time, largely directed toward us. Next, we attempted to implement a time out strategy for all five kids. We used time out when they had any physical contact or hateful words. Most recently, we have been focusing on giving the kids choices instead of telling them "no." This has been particularly helpful with Mr. J who seems to ALWAYS require us to threaten a consequence before he will obey. It is exhausting to retrain myself AND my kids on a weekly basis, yet I am thankful to have a coach looking at our larger picture and helping us keep our heads above water.
We are weary, so weary. But I catch glimpses, when the boys are tree climbing and bike riding or when they are chuckling together over cereal bowls, of what our life will look like when the dust settles and the pieces start to fit together. When Miss A invites Miriam to play director while she practices for band, when my teenagers sit whispering together in the back of the minivan, I see the beauty that will remain when the push and pull of claiming each other subsides.
Life in my house is a mess!
We tend to have several decent days in a row, and by decent I mean that we have no physical fights or raging meltdowns from anyone. Is it sad that I call it a win when no one screams at or hits anyone?
Every few days, we have a "wash day", the kind that leaves me so overwhelmed that I can barely make myself sleep because I know I have to wake up to do it all over again in the morning.
On these days, the boys are typically extra irritable. The teasing, kid-parenting, and hatefulness are ridiculous, and I am baffled by their seeming inability to just LEAVE EACH OTHER ALONE! On wash days, Amos and I spend the majority of our time refereeing the boys and trying to keep the girls from jumping in and dog-piling the arguments. It's a whole lot of awesome.
Wash days consume two days because it takes my crew a day or so to recover. I am beyond blessed by my weekday respite while the kids are at school, but the aftermath of wash days usually leaves me wanting to curl up in bed after the kids are delivered to their buildings. I usually settle for laundry and Hulu. There is always plenty of laundry.
I've watched this cycle for a few weeks now, and we are strategizing with family therapists and each other. The general consensus is that our boys are competing for Dad's attention. It seems to make sense. Mr. J is so excited to finally have a dad, and Noah has been Amos' only right-hand man for eight years. There is some major turf marking going on! Amos and I are trying to treat the problem and the behaviors simultaneously-- as much as one can ignore, nurture, and reprimand all at once.
Each week, Amos and I revamp our parenting strategies to try another approach. First we spent two weeks ignoring hatefulness that was, at the time, largely directed toward us. Next, we attempted to implement a time out strategy for all five kids. We used time out when they had any physical contact or hateful words. Most recently, we have been focusing on giving the kids choices instead of telling them "no." This has been particularly helpful with Mr. J who seems to ALWAYS require us to threaten a consequence before he will obey. It is exhausting to retrain myself AND my kids on a weekly basis, yet I am thankful to have a coach looking at our larger picture and helping us keep our heads above water.
We are weary, so weary. But I catch glimpses, when the boys are tree climbing and bike riding or when they are chuckling together over cereal bowls, of what our life will look like when the dust settles and the pieces start to fit together. When Miss A invites Miriam to play director while she practices for band, when my teenagers sit whispering together in the back of the minivan, I see the beauty that will remain when the push and pull of claiming each other subsides.
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