Bundle of JOY

In a few short weeks, I'll be embarking on a new adventure. A tiny bundle of joy will arrive to cure my baby fever, and I will be an AUNT! I can't explain how excited I've been about this little gal and for my sister and brother-in-law. I just know they'll be such Godly parents, and I'm already so proud of them. Amos and I have both been awaiting our first niece and getting very excited to cuddle her and spoil her just like they have done with our kids.

A few weekends ago, we packed our younger kids into our tiny rice burner car and made the four hour drive to KC. I thought we were just going to photo document my sister's baby belly, but it turns out that we were also going to receive a huge surprise invitation.

We were asked to be godparents!

It may seem logical that an aunt and uncle would be chosen for such a role, but my sister and brother-in-law are blessed with an amazing network of Catholic friends. We really hadn't thought for a second that we'd be asked, so when we pulled this out--

--it was as much a surprise as their pregnancy announcement! Amos was a teary eyed mess, and I could only wonder what in the world we would have to offer our niece that she wouldn't already get from her parents. My little sister is an amazing Catholic youth minister with a degree in theology. She is my go-to source for my religious questions and one of the most intentional Catholics I know.

Already, I'm finding this role to be strengthening my faith and providing an avenue to grow closer to Christ. As with all our adventures, we'll be praying for wisdom to walk His path on this journey and to faithfully reinforce our sweet niece and goddaughter's own Catholic faith.

Letting Him Lead

Amos and I spend our nights apart regularly. He works two hours from home, and with local gas prices at 3.59, there's no way he could commute daily. To save money and sanity, he stays with generous friends who assure us they are happy to have him. We text throughout the day, and if there's something we don't want to forget, we'll email too. Even though he's gone more than he's home, we're really in each other's lives throughout each day. When he's gone and I'm not swamped with the children's school work, laundry, dinner, and diffusing arguments, I realize I miss my husband. But I'm swamped with that list of chores more often than not. You would think that the nights he was home would be cherished, that we'd take advantage the four evenings that we're together each week. It's a sad fact that we're both content to catch up on our favorite shows on Hulu most nights, too fried from the day to have anything deep and meaningful, or even clever, to say. We've already texted all the days' highlights, and some nights it seems like there's not much else that needs to be said.

This weekend is different. This weekend, he's away spending uninterrupted time with God. Three days without technology. No phone. No connection to work or family. No distractions from God.

I've been praying for God to bless this Crusillo weekend for months, and I knew God could do great things with these days. What I didn't realize is that, for the first time since he was deployed to the Middle East nearly ten years ago, we are truly, completely detached from one another. I have no way to contact him, no way to let him in on news or ask his advice. And for the first time in years, we're apart and I truly miss HIM. I feel his absence anytime we're apart, but I'm ashamed to admit that it's mostly his help with the kids and the presence of another adult that I wish for. This time, I'm not a mom wanting the dad to get home and take over. I'm a wife ready to have her husband back. I believe that what I'm feeling this weekend is God working in my marriage and in our life.

A few months ago, a Christian radio program reflected on the immense power that a wife has in her marriage. It was said that a husband is supposed to be the head of the household, but

a wife must let her husband lead.

As a wife, I struggle to let my husband lead. I could offer a string of reasons and excuses, but the honest truth is that I feel a need, irrational as it may be, to be standing on at least one of my own two feet. I live in a world that too often values a woman based on how capably she stands on her own. We women feel a need to be valued, heard, and have our opinions matter. There are millions of us blogging to prove it! I'm just not sure that my desire to be valued and heard always comes from God, particularly in my marriage. For me, needing to be heard sometimes feels all too similar to self-righteousness. Sometimes I slip from needing to be heard to needing to be right, and it's those times that I fail the most in my attempt to be a Godly wife.

The truth is, it's only God's value of us that matters, and we are each valued more than we can comprehend. We screw up over and over, and only through God's grace are we able to get back up again. So many of us are blessed with a Godly husbands who are smart, hard working, trustworthy and humble. I have every faith that those husbands can lead our families closer to our Savior if we are willing to LET THEM. I believe that Amos is being moved to greater things this weekend, and I'm so excited and ready to follow him as he leads his family in our walk with Christ.

Falling Upward

When I started this blog in March of last year, I expected to be able to vent about parenting, reflect about the lessons my children taught me, and remember the silliness that they created in my daily life. I expected to offer insight and seek the same from others. What I didn't expect, was to meet other women and grow to cherish our blogging relationship just like a friend who is physically near. I didn't expect to find God so evident in this little cyber community.

Holly at FALLING UPWARD is one of those dear Blog Friends who reminds me each time she posts how incredible life is when it is given to God. She is one who I find myself thinking about and praying for while I'm driving, cooking, or taking a walk... not just while I'm reading her blog. I can count on her for prayers and such genuine encouragement even from so far away.

I honestly couldn't remember how I was first introduced to Holly. I had to dive through both our archives to find out who said hello first and why. The first post I read at Falling Upward was a Daybook entry I discovered randomly through the widget for this meme. Since then, she's lived through more than her share of worry and heartache. Through everything, her beautiful way with words and thoughtful reflections about her life's joys and trials have been so very inspiring to me.

I'm learning that blogging isn't all about gaining readership for advertising, and it isn't even just about documenting my life. It's not solely about finding new ideas, giveaways, or great coupons. It's a chance to find other moms who share my faith and are in the same place in life. It's about getting to know more seasoned mommies who can pass down their wisdom and offer encouragement and prayers. It's a way to connect with women who can remind me to keep hold of myself while I'm being a wife and mother. For me, the blog world is an opportunity for God to work in my life and through my life. And Miss Holly was the start of that epiphany!

If you haven't stumbled upon FALLING UPWARD, it will do your heart good to visit and see why Holly, from Her Very First Post, Inspires me.

Excitement, Fear, and Fulfillment

Someone told me recently that when I die, I'll be regretting all the things I avoided because I was scared. I've been thinking about that statement a lot since then. It was meant to mean that I didn't have enough fun and excitement, meant to mean that I was too conservative, that my lifestyle couldn't possibly be fulfilling. I'm not sorry (and even grateful) that my life doesn't seem "exciting" to that person. My life is not consumed by weekends on the lake, nights out on the town, and a general feeling of worldly freedom. BUT- my life IS exciting. I'm excited EVERY morning to watch God's hand in my life, to see how He wishes to use me today. It's exciting to watch my kids grow up, knowing that I'm doing my best to raise them in the way of The Cross. Fulfillment- that will come after a lifetime of following God, of walking by faith in spite of worldly temptations to live a life that fits today's definition of exciting.

However, I do worry that I'll someday regret the things I avoided because I was scared. Things like confrontation, standing up for my kids, raising them in Christ. Things like staying away from elements of the world that do not honor Him, that seek to destroy the holiness of marriage. THOSE are the things that I am afraid of, the things I pray each day for the courage to do in spite of my fear, the things that I could never do were it not for my faith in Eternal Fulfillment and my desire to hear,

"Well done my good and faithful servant. Since you were faithful in small matters, I will give you great responsibilities. Come, share your master's joy." (Matthew 25:21)

Second Chances / Seeds of Doubt / Faith Testers

Sometimes it's tough to see where God is leading.  When two choices are presented, neither bad and both likely to change your life, what do you do?  I generally pray, listen, reflect on the ways that God may be speaking to me, pray some more, and make a decision.  BUT, what happens when the decision is made and then you're presented with an unexpected turn of events, an opportunity to change your mind?  Do you consider it a silent nudge from the Big Guy or an evil effort to deter you from God's will?  I had a conversation with a friend along these lines recently, and today I'm faced with a "turn of events" myself.  

Actually, I find myself in these circumstances more often than I'd like... or maybe I create them by overanalyzing... of maybe it's a direct result of... and there I go again.  Deciding whether to send Little Mister to preschool this year or homeschool for a year first, deciding whether to purchase my grandparent's house from the estate after they passed away, deciding if we are called to have more children, deciding to switch Big Sister to public education... these are all major decisions, just in the past six months, that were initially made, after much prayer and thought, confidently and finally.  BUT, after each of these choices were made, there was a curve ball or a chance for a do-over presented.  The teacher we'd tried to avoid, who factored heavily into our decision to change schools, was switched to a lower grade only days after we'd enrolled my daughter in public school.  After signing Little Mister up for preschool, the tuition was raised enough to make us rethink enrolling him.  We met wall after wall as we dove into the paperwork and jumped through the hoops that is closing on an estate purchase.  

Reading His signals about another baby has been possibly the most frustrating.  First we decided to delay the process a while, and God immediately verified that the time wasn't right yet.  We felt ready, and then God's sense of humor kicked in and he threw me a 28 day cycle for the first time in 10 years.  Really, I'm 22 days like clockwork and can show my charted cycles from the past 2 years to prove it.   I can't help but wonder if that's a subtle sign from God or just a lesson in giving Him the reigns... 

Life Preserver, Courtesy of God

God's been working over time on me lately!  Here are a few of His not-so-subtle thumbprints in my life.

1.  After my blog entry about being planted in my hometown last Wednesday, He reminded me that I already know the blessings of being here.  I had the more horrible in-law weekend of my 4 years in the family.  Yes, God, I am now reminded that 4 hours away is much safer than the 2 hours that would be between us were we to move.

2.  I mentioned this one in my Daybook this morning, but yesterday God sent the EXACT person I'd been wanting- needing- to see!  My husband and I had left for In-Law Land, and during the drive, we got a phone call that made us realize this was not going to be a pleasant trip.  I spent the next 3 hours being truly afraid that the ENTIRE extended family thought our parenting was horrible, that we were awful for wanting to keep certain lifestyles out of our own life and the lives of my children.  I was pretty sure (ok, I was really only praying) that my aunt and uncle-in-law would understand and agree with the decision that the rest of the family was apparently angered by, but they weren't on our list of family to see.  I kept thinking, I just want to see them, because I know that Uncle M would make my husband feel more sure of standing his ground.  Me?  I just wanted to know that someone in the family loved and supported me!  

We stopped by Wal-Mart to make a couple photo prints to deliver during our visit, and as we were walking back to the van, Aunt D was walking up the same isle in the Super Wal-Mart parking lot.  My husband gave her a good 10 second, "I really needed this" type of hug, and I just stood in amazement of His answer to my prayer.  As family's go, she knew all the details of the drama, and by the end of the mini conversation, I was feeling much more at peace and ready to head into the storm that was in front of us.  It's funny, because while we were parking, I had wondered why in the world my husband had chosen a spot so close to the edge of the parking lot when there were plenty of spots in the isles closer to the entrance.  We also would have missed seeing her had the automatic printer been cooperating.  Instead, the employee almost insisted that we put our order through one hour and pushed it to the top of his list.  I'm quite sure he was Heaven sent.  

After this weekend, I have a renewed peace.  It's ironic, because life around us, at the moment, is sort of in shambles.  Somehow, though, God has kept my family in a life preserver, floating safely in the midst of all the waves.  

Stuck According to His Will

I read Miss Holly's thoughts at Falling Upward tonight, and as usual, she made me reflect on my own life.

Sometimes I feel like I'm waiting around for my life to start, and I'm afraid it's going to be nine more years before I'll truly be rid of that feeling. The reason? Lovely Judge Clayton has us planted in the town where I was born and raised until my daughter is eighteen. We're half way there this summer.

When my friend circle seems particularly small (though never lacking in quality!), when the activity choices for my kids seems sparse, when I'm forced to move my kid to our public school instead of a different Catholic school, I dream about what life would be like had we been allowed to move closer to the city where my husband works. I detest the fact that I've never lived outside my hometown of 3,500 people. Though I never want to live in the heart of a city, it disappoints me that activities like ice skating lessons or quality performing arts are two hours away. While I love my small-town parish, it makes me sad to know that there are next to no other young Catholic families to befriend. These are the thoughts that go through my head, the ones that I struggle to push out of my heart at least a few times a week.

I know, without a doubt, that God has kept us in this town for a reason. I believe with all my heart that He is working through us somehow, or that we've been kept here to learn a precious lesson. If nothing else, I'm learning that patience isn't just needed while my kids are asking the same question 82 times in a row. No, patience in that context is a breeze for me. It is in the long waits that I struggle. The eighteen year wait to start fresh, to not be known as the girl who had a baby in high school, to find a community where I truly feel at home (instead of only feeling at home inside my the walls of our house), demands my daily prayer for patience and peace.

Prayer

breathe... 

Lord, help me to control my anger and impatience tonight.  Help me to be a soldier for Your glory.  Grant me the wisdom to recognize the difference between the small things in life and the big; sometimes it is so difficult to tell.  Lord, I know that some people have very good hearts and intentions.  Let me constantly give the benefit of the doubt to those who I struggle to see their righteous intentions.  If it be your will, calm my mother's instinct.  Let me rest in knowing that you will not give me more than I can bear, that I've born more than this in my life here on Earth.  I turn to you, O God, and place this tired, angered heart in Your hands that it may be healed and filled with your grace.  

Amen.

****************************************************************************************

O holy protectress of those who art in greatest need, thou who shineth as a star of hope in the midst of darkness, blessed Saint Rita, bright mirror of God's grace, in patience and fortitude thou art a model of all the states in life. I unite my will with the will of God through the merits of my Savior Jesus Christ, and in particular through his patient wearing of the crown of thorns, which with tender devotion thou didst daily contemplate. Through the merits of the holy Virgin Mary and thine own graces and virtues, I ask thee to obtain my earnest petition, provided it be for the greater glory of God and my own sanctification. Guide and purify my intention, O holy protectress and advocate, so that I may obtain the pardon of all my sins and the grace to persevere daily, as thou didst in walking with courage, generosity, and fidelity down the path of life.

Saint Rita, advocate of the impossible, pray for us.  
Saint Rita, advocate of the helpless, pray for us. 

Vocation Day

"My heart is restless until it rests in You, or Lord." 

~St. Augustine

Today I chaperoned my 6th grade religion class on a trip to our diocese cathedral for Vocation Day.  Every time I think I might be due for a break from teaching on Wednesday evenings, I am reminded that I learn along with the kids.  

* When I pray with my students, I am praying as an example.  Many of our Catholic prayers are prayed so often that it would be easy to begin reciting them rather than truly praying.  When I pray these Catholic prayers with my 6th graders, I make a point to really keep the words in my heart and head before they leave my mouth.  I think we all need to be careful not to let ourselves recite popular prayers.  Even the night time prayers we pray with our children should be prayed not as poems but as heartfelt praise, thanksgiving, and petition to our Lord.

* St. Augustine's words at the start of this post were cited by a presenter I listened to today as an example of how we know that we are where God intends us to be, that we are doing what God wants us to do.  I found my way to the empty sanctuary after that speaker.  I wanted to reflect on any restlessness that I might have in my own heart.  I hope that every one of you can find a time to sit in the silence of God's house and allow Him to give you clarity about any restlessness that may be within you.  It was quite an amazing 15 minutes for me!

* When it comes to my children being called to priesthood or religious life, it is difficult for me to get passed what is expected in the world.  You grow up, graduate, get married, and have babies, right?  I didn't grow up in a family that encouraged me to be open to God's call to be a nun.  I grew up thinking that nuns were fantastic, admirable, respectable, and holy, but becoming a nun seemed as much a reality for me as becoming a movie star.  I hope that I am instilling a more real view of all vocations; I think that I am.  My daughter knows that she could be a nun and do many different jobs from a farmer to a Christian singer/songwriter.  Only God knows right now what vocation he will call my children to, but it is my duty as a Christian to raise them to listen with an open heart to God's direction.

Next Year...

A few days ago, God threw me for a loop on my decision to remove my daughter from her parochial school, but the past few days have reassured me that we will be no worse off in her new school in the fall.  

Next year, I hope to have an understanding of classroom assignments, preferably by use of a scoring guide.  This year, we've gotten lots of "write a story." assignments and then have lost points for not doing what the teacher expected.  I hope to understand the teacher's expectations next year.

Next year, I hope to have organization in the classroom.  A routine for submitting assignments, a schedule for regular assignments (like spelling tests or journals).

Next year, I hope to have a teacher who does not compare my daughter to her D student son.  I hope to have a teacher who believes that my daughter can do her best... or at least makes me believe that she believes it.  

Next year, I hope that my daughter's weakened confidence in her academic abilities is magically restored.  I hope that she has a teacher who understands the struggles of this school year and takes a heartfelt interest in scheming with me to re-inspire my daughter's love of school and learning.

Next year, I hope, it not too late.  I hope that I don't regret sticking it out where we were this year.  I hope that I don't find myself wishing I would have pulled her out after Christmas.

Next year, I hope to realize that this year was only one isolated circumstance and does not reflect what the next 9 years of schooling will be like for us.

Next year I hope my daughter has a teacher who does not find it impressive or worthwhile to take 45 minutes out of her lessons to "work out the problems" of the girls in her classroom.

Next year, I hope to be reassured that I properly discerned God's will for my daughter's education even though it means that I am removing her from her religious school.  I hope that she is able to bring the invaluable knowledge of her religion and live as an example for those who may not have been introduced to Christ.

Next year... 

Refocus

I've been very prayerfully seeking direction about our family planning.  My Catholic faith believes that you should not avoid pregnancy unless you are financially or emotionally incapable of adding to your family.  Our marriage vows included a promise to accept children willingly and lovingly from God, and while some may believe that they've accepted their 2.5 children lovingly, I'm a bit convicted about the idea of having more children.  On one hand, I'm blessed with super strength fertility (seriously, if it were a qualifying trait of superheroines, I'd have my own comic series), my pregnancies have been flawless (unless you count gaining way too much weight with my second), and my babies have been healthy.  On the other hand, I am constantly behind on laundry, more often than not it looks like a toy box exploded in my living room, and my children are a bit on the unruly side.  Obviously the emotional capability is in question! 

In the midst of my prayer and reflection, it dawned on me (ok, fine.  He hit me over the head with it) that my lazy tendencies, inconsistent organization, and lack of firm discipline are NOT reasons to avoid more babies!  I plan to spend the next two or three months weaning off my one child lifestyle that I've been naive enough to think I could keep with three running around.  My firm discipline is already evident in my son, though we have far to go.  The next step will be to simplify my life in order to make time to create the haven that I, as a mommy and wife, am obligated to create!  Once that it accomplished, I'm sure God will let me know what my next assignment is!

Roger that, God!

I just had a moment to share this while I'm waiting for my contribution to Easter dinner to finish cooking... 

We walked into church this morning toward our regular pew- second from the front on the right.  As we approached, it was covered in popcorn crumbs, and I whispered to my husband, "That's what our pew would have looked like if we'd brought the kids last night."  Mass commenced shortly thereafter, and it certainly didn't take long for God to put His two cents into yesterday's post!  Somewhere in the midst of my musings, I mentioned that I didn't feel like we would get anything from Easter Vigil mass with our kids in tow.  Well, as it turns out, one of the comments during my dear Father Dave's homily this morning was that he might scream if he hears another person complain that they don't get anything from mass.  He further explained that we do not come to mass to get something from it but rather to GIVE something.  I was reminded that I am there to offer my praise and thanksgiving, and while I might learn a few things along with way, like I did this morning, my purpose in attending mass is to offer myself and my life up for His Most Holy Purpose!  Further, it is my responsibility as a parent to raise my children to attend mass for the same purpose.  

Oops!  Shame on me for being so self-absorbed in a time where it is most important to focus on Jesus Christ!  Perhaps our priest is a silent reader here, but whether this morning was God working solo or in cahoots with Fr. Dave, I hear Him loud and clear!  

Easter Vigil

Easter Vigil mass is commencing as I type.  I miss that service so much!  It has been 3 years since I've attended the 3 hour service to rejoice in Christ's death and resurrection.  There is something about the candle light service, the solemnity, the sound of a song like "Go Light Your World" ringing at the end of church that brings Christ's sacrifice and my task here on Earth into perspective.  At the last vigil I attended, my then fiancee was baptized in confirmed into the Catholic faith.  A couple months later, we married.  A few hours after that, God blessed us with our honeymoon souvenir.  Nine months later, our son was born, and that was the end of Easter Vigil as I knew it.  Trying to tend to children for the 7:30 to 10:30 duration is, well, impossible!

I am floored by the number of people I meet who have quit going to church because their children are nutty, antsy, cranky, etc.  I listen to their justifications in awe.  Sometimes my own kids are no picnic during church, so I sympathize with their problems.  I just didn't agree with the solution.  Tonight I find myself wondering if I fall into this group when it comes to Easter Vigil.  I'm certain we would spend all our energy and attention containing nutty, antsy, cranky kids, and I feel like it would be a huge distraction to the other parishoners along with preventing my husband and I from getting anything from mass.  Perhaps we should leave our children to God and trust Him to take them through this most holy service.  

For this year at least, we will go to Easter Sunday mass, but I will do some serious praying and listening to God's desire for next year's Easter celebration.

Go Light Your World- Kathy Troccoli

There is a candle in every soul

Some brightly burning, some dark and cold

There is a Spirit who brings a fire

Ignites a candle and makes His home

So Carry your candle, run to the darkness

Seek out the hopeless, confused and torn

Hold out your candle for all to see it

Take your candle, and go light your world

Take your candle, and go light your world

Frustrated brother, see how he's tried to

Light his own candle some other way

See now your sister, she's been robbed and lied to

Still holds a candle without a flame

So Carry your candle, run to the darkness

Seek out the lonely, the tired and worn

Hold out your candle for all to see it

Take your candle, and go light your world

Take your candle, and go light your world

Cause We are a family whose hearts are blazing

So let's raise our candles and light up the sky

Praying to our Father, in the name of Jesus

Make us a beacon in darkest times

So Carry your candle, run to the darkness

Seek out the helpless, deceived and poor

Hold out your candle for all to see it

Take your candle, and go light your world

Carry your candle, run to the darkness

Seek out the hopeless, confused and torn

Hold out your candle for all to see it

Take your candle, and go light your world

Take your candle, and go light your world