We Asked... An overdue story.

We knew that Miss A was ready for adoption. She would talk about the future years with the assumption that she was ours and we were hers. But when it came down to being able to actually say the words that fourteen year olds must say, she couldn't quite voice that she wanted to be adopted. 

Amos and I felt it important that she knew that we LOVED and WANTED her, and that it wasn't a favor we were doing or a work of charity or anything of the sort. She is a blessing in our life, and we didn't ever want her to think that we were anything but grateful for her. 

We decided to tell her so.  

Early on a Sunday morning, I packed a tub of chalk into my purse and snuck off to the park where we first laid our eyes on our precious kiddos. I walked to the exact spot we stood waiting to visit with her social worker, unaware that our daughter was literally within reach of us. 

I spent a few minutes sketching out a simple message:

From the moment we first saw you... We have loved you.

Amos and I had planned this day for weeks, and I was so nervous and unsure of how the events would unfold. I was nervous that this would be too grand a gesture for our A... nervous that is would be too small. Nervous that we were wrong, and that she didn't really want adoption, and that we would make her feel terrible for saying no... or trapped into saying yes.

After church, we left four of our kids with my parents and headed out for an afternoon with Miss A. 

The day began with brunch at a "fancy" restaurant. It was outside of Miss A's comfort zone, and I was sure we'd made it too obvious that we had a plan in the works. 

Afterward lunch, we faked a necessary run to the next town over and a "spur of the moment" visit to the park. She had just been asking us the day before to go, so it was an easy sell.  

We walked around the pond, did a little swinging, and then headed to the car where we had left a board game. I suggested that we sit at the picnic tables to play for a while. After a skeptical look, Miss A obliged and followed us toward our proposal spot.

We gave her a moment to notice the colors on the ground, read her name, and realize that her entire day had been carefully planned for this moment.

Then Amos presented the ring we had searched for. We told her that we loved her, that we were incredibly blessed that God sent her to us, and that we didn't want her anywhere else but with us in our family. Then we asked her if we could adopt her as our true, forever daughter. I watched her eyes begin to well.



And then...





We waited...




And waited...



After a minute or ummmms and oh my goodnesses.... , I suggested that we sit and play our game. It was an incredibly awkward half hour. The question was out there, unanswered. Amos and I weren't able to talk about how to proceed except for a few glances. We joked and played our board game, but we were really just waiting to see what happened next.

We packed up the game pieces, and I held back to let Amos take the lead. We walked back to our spot, and after a moment, Amos asked gently, "So what do you think?" She said, "I think... YES"

Amos placed the ring on Miss A's finger. We hugged, we cried, and we took pictures. Then we headed to our favorite coffee shop (where we'd taken A on Meetcha Day) to celebrate.


I knew that our sweet girl felt special, but I wasn't sure if she'd given us a yes freely until I started to hear her tell other people about her ring and the proposal. From then on, it was easy to talk with Miss A about name changes, about how we thought life would be outside the system, about our dreams for the future of our family.

We are still waiting for a court date to be scheduled, but we all have peace. Adoption isn't an IF anymore. It's only a matter of WHEN. 

The Years are Fleeting

This afternoon I drove past my girls' future. Groups of incoming college freshmen orienting themselves with campus. For me, back-to-college weekend in recent years has been one filled with nostalgia and reminiscent smiles. It's been filled with excitement for the kids who left their homes to soak of their final years before adult responsibility. Images of soaking up sun on front porches, listening to music in a nerdy fraternity's back yard, and walking into classes nearly skipping have filled my mind as I watch the students' nervous excitement all over town.

This year... this year was different. This was the year I realized that I had just a handful of years to prepare my girls to do life away from home. The briefest of years are ahead of us, and I find myself wondering how we are ever going to be ready. J has had 14 years of careful nurturing and guidance. Even with nearly a decade and a half with her, I feel like there is so much left to teach. Which makes me a little panicky about our sweet A. There is so much lost time, and more time that will be spent getting to know and trust each other before teaching can be the focus. It's overwhelming and leaves me breathless just thinking about the tiny number of days she has under our roof.

Miss A is a phenomenal kid. Truly, we are so blessed by her each and every day. She is a phenomenal big sister and daughter. She is happy to help out and seems to want to be around Amos and I more than alone. She is extremely intelligent, witty, and a great listener. And then there are moments when I can see the loss from years without consistency, without adults to invest in her and love her enough to give her boundaries. Those moments strike my heart and knock me to my knees. The responsibility is huge, the lost time vast, and my wisdom small.

Two weeks ago, a guarded teenager moved into our home. Praise God, each and every day, I have watched her begin to trust and to love and to rely. The layers are becoming slowly and steadily thinner, and I know that God is working miracles in her heart.

Homecomings

Written a few days ago... 

J came home last night from her Dad’s, and it was a happy happy evening for us! As thankful as I am that she has her dad in her life, the six weeks that she spends with him every summer seem like eternity for me and for Noah and Miriam. Life just isn’t the same without my firstborn around! Although we have plenty of parenting to do with her, she is growing up so much. She is incredibly helpful with the littles and is so happy to play pretend games with them. She and Noah, in particular, have gotten close over the last year, bonding over all things fantasy and science fiction. I’m so thankful for that bond- otherwise I’d have to be carrying on conversations about Dr. Who and Star Wars on a regular basis! J’s homecoming was another huge date in our transition into our family of seven. 

We have three kids back under our roof, two left to come. 

Our daughter, A, will be coming home to stay forever in just THREE DAYS!! It is a scary and exciting time around the King home. Things are about to get real around here. The fun dating phase of our transition is coming to a close, and true colors are going to start to show. My hunch is that A’s transition will come with some growing pains, but with patience, perseverance, and prayer, I have faith that we will get through the worst of it. The plan is to pray our way through one day at a time, or one hour if necessary. 

My Girls

My Mamma was telling me today about a new friend of hers who invited her to go shopping. And I thought, "I wonder if I'll ever be invited to do things with new girls in my life..."

And then I remembered that right now, the main girls in my life are 2 and 9.

And I remembered that at my age, my mom was doing what I'm doing now- throwing herself into parenting. And as much as we all need friends, my priceless few are more than enough sustenance for me in these parenting years... But it's nice to see my mom with an active social life. It makes me more content to focus on my family rather than my social life. Because there really will be time for that later.

Reassurance

Big Sister has strep throat. It couldn't have come at a worse time for her. She missed a sleepover last night. Last time she was invited to a sleepover, we had to cancel at the last minute for a death in the family.

As we were driving home from the Doc's Friday, Big Sister and I talked about how everything happens according to God's plan. And my sweet 9-year-old said, "Maybe God knows that I'm not ready to have sleepovers away from our house yet." There were no tears, only brave disappointment. Maybe it was because she was feeling too lousy to care, but I like to think that it's evidence of her maturing faith. She really is a unique kid. Her personality is almost had to categorize. Endlessly energetic, challenging, passionate, dedicated, high strung, defender of fairness, and a bit stubborn. I cannot wait to see where God leads her and what she offers to the places she is called to be. The best part is that my dear daughter seems just as excited to watch God's plan for her unfold.

Tonight she was feeling much better, so we took a couple hours and treated ourselves to a bit of mother-daughter time. Big Sister whitened her teeth for the first time, we did facial masks, polished our fingernails and toenails, browsed through the Warrior Cats website and took the quiz to find out what clan we'd belong to (if you know what I'm talking about, I feel for you!), and read a bit of The Mother-Daughter Book Club, by Heather Vogel Frederick. We talked about starting our own Mother-Daughter Book Club, tossing around the idea of finding one online or starting one locally. She's full of dreams and ideas, that one.

I try to be diligent about seeking out time for Big Sister, time uninterrupted by preschoolers and toddlers, time free from anything but just the two of us. It was just the two of us for so long, and it is vitally important to me that my firstborn knows that we still have that special link between us.

So Long to...

Kirsten Larson

Some of you may know that Big Sister received her first American Girl doll, Samantha, last spring. She was one of the very last Samantha dolls purchased- just before midnight on New Year's Eve 2008.

And now, in an effort to tempt moms everywhere living vicariously through their daughters (I surely don't fall into that group), the American Girl company will be retiring Kirsten, the brave Swede turned frontiersgirl at the end of the year.

It's funny how many items that were popular for we moms who grew up in the 80's have reappeared on the shelves: Care Bears, My Little Ponies, Strawberry Shortcake, and the list goes on... just in time for us to purchase them for our own little ones for sake of reminiscing and connecting with our kiddos. The American Girl company seems to be using a different playbook, but in reality, they're one step ahead of the game, forcing moms to between purchasing an overpriced staple of our childhoods' bookshelves and doll collections and risking the opportunity lost forever. Sad as it is, I'm not sure that I'll be in line to purchase this one.

Anyone starting a penny jar for the cause???

One Person's Ordinary is Another Person's Disappointment

Today Big Sister went on her first public school field trip. What was she most excited about, you might ask? Not the fact that she would be out of school for the day. Not the destination that would allow for lots of time outdoors. Not the opportunity for a day filled with socializing with friends. No, not my daughter. She was, in fact, hyperventilating about her very first ride on a school bus.

Oh yeah.

Not only was she incredibly excited about the opportunity to get crammed in a 40 foot vehicle smelling of all the post-playground sweat of 80+ kids, but she was also nervous. Big Sister was very afraid of the bullies she might encounter on said bus ride. It took a bit to help her understand that the bus rides that I refuse to send her on are the ones including students much older than her, not to mention those with considerably less supervision.

The ride proved less than romantic. Perhaps the loose tooth that she finally lost at the end of the day stole the bus ride's thunder (the tie-died tissue she was biting on was enough to distract me from my after school line of questioning... gross!). The kid gave a quick "good" and went right back to dreaming about what she'd buy with her tooth fairy money.

What's the going rate for one of those now anyway?

Contemplating

I'm considering forming a support group for mothers of tweenage daughters. The group would get together twice a month. Once to do a great mother-daughter activity in the hopes of finding those 5 year olds who used to think we were great and once to do nothing but cry, complain, drink strawberry margaritas and count down the years until they're old enough to be our friends again.

Yes, I am serious.

Buyer's Remorse??

I walked my daughter to her 4th grade classroom this morning. I'm so used to seeing first day of school pictures in dress code attire. It seemed so odd to me to polish light pink nails yesterday evening, to iron a bright orange skirt last night, to watch my daughter strap her brown sandals this morning.

At open house on Tuesday evening, I was a little saddened by the new surroundings. It should have helped that her classroom is the very same one in which I experienced my favorite teacher fifteen years ago. It should have helped that her teacher seems really nice, easy to get along with, and most importantly organized. It should have helped to read that spelling tests would be given every Friday instead of whenever it pleased the teacher. All those things helped me later, but at the time, I just saw a missing crucifix, missing prayers lining the hallways, missing statues of the Virgin Mother. I missed God being the center of this experience that will mold my daughter. I'm just not terribly confident in this change of ours. Thank the Lord that we were blessed with 6 years in our dear Catholic school. I just pray that she isn't afraid to wear her faith on her sleeve, to stand up for her beliefs and the truths that she had come to know and trust. I pray that she is equipped to handle the new experiences, backgrounds, and peers that she will meet this year.

It really is going to be a great year. The classroom is wonderful, and I've been assured by my trusted family friend who teaches in this 4th grade that Big Sister's teacher is a wonderful, Godly woman.

Cuteness

This is Little Miss mimicking me this afternoon. I looked that adorable making the face too, right??

Seeds

My husband walked into the renovation after his military drill today. I hadn't had a chance to shower, had paint smeared across my jeans and white ribbed tank, and had been painting for eight hours. He was sitting in the floor catching up with Big Sister and said, "Isn't Mommy cute in her paint clothes?" She looked at me, then back at him with an eyebrow raised. She did NOT see the cute!

I hope that, someday, she remembers that conversation and waits for someone who thinks she's beautiful even when she's sweaty and covered in paint...

Celebrating Big Sister's Big Number Nine: Reflections

Nine years ago at this time I was monitoring the tightening of my abdomen, timing the length and distance each was from the next, wondering if this would be it.  I was three weeks out from my due date with my firstborn, but somehow the possible complications never crossed my mind.  Youthful ignorance was a blessing back then as there were so many other things for me to worry about.  I was off to the hospital at 10:30 and admitted by midnight.  At 12:33 the next afternoon, I would have endured the worst delivery I've heard stories about even to this day.  I hardly noticed the aftermath, the nurses shocked to find out that I hadn't had an epidural, rather my legs wouldn't support me due to the local anesthetics used after the birth.  I was busy being mesmerized by the tiny toes, the clenched fists, the button nose that had been entrusted to me.  It was her and I, no matter what.  I knew that even then.  

My friends had done their best to include me in their normal lives, and I'm sure that they enjoyed the idea of tiny tie-dye onesies, made in my absence at a get-together, as much as I did.  I can't really imagine being on the other side of my friendships after I was pregnant and married.  There must have been a lot of thoughts unspoken, worries kept secret.  I'm not sure I would have listened to them, and oh, how I needed the comfort of knowing that they were still here, loving me and pulling for me!

I left the hospital with my mom, and before we even went home, I wanted to bring my baby to meet her namesake, my paternal grandmother.  The first granddaughter had been given a variation of my grandma's name, and as this was the first great-granddaughter, I thought it fitting to use another variation for my daughter.  My grandma was already aging, and she passed away when my baby girl was 18 months old.  I so wish they would've gotten to know each other, but I try to share stories of her in the hopes that she will be remembered through me.  

She was so tiny when she was born- I literally dressed her in doll clothes.  I didn't realize just how small she was until I tried to fit Little Miss into her big sister's newborn clothes!

She was such a joy as a baby, a perfect match for me.  I truly believe that God created her with my unique situation and abilities in mind.  When she would wake up in the wee hours of morning, she would crawl into my bed and use her chubby fingers to pry my eyelids apart in the hopes of starting her day before the sun.  At the time, I thought I might die of exhaustion, but I looking back, her spunky personality is what kept me busy enough not to dwell on other parts of my life that were crumbling around me.  

My absolute favorite picture of her.  We'd gone to the fishing park near home one afternoon, in typical fashion, to play and sneak pictures.

And THEN... she started to grow up on me.  This was her first day of preschool.  I didn't get teary as so many mommies do.  I knew without a doubt that she was not only ready but honestly needed the experience.  And she's been yacking her teachers' ears off ever since!

We've dabbled in lots of activities over the years: ballet and tap lessons, soccer, voice lessons, gymnastics, and horseback riding lessons.  None of them have pleased me as much as this first year of dance lessons.  She attended the studio where I had been a student for thirteen years, and it was a joy to watch her swallowed by love from the curly redhead owner who had watched me grow up.  That was the last year the studio was open.

This was Big Sister last year on her birthday.  Every birthday, I take some time to look through the pictures of her from the last year, soaking in my amazement of the changes that have taken place.  Every year, she looses a little more of her childish cuteness and replaces it with the hint of mature beauty.  I can see the future teenager in her already, and THAT does make me want to cry, to freeze time.  It's always been her and I against the world, and I hope, pray, that our connection withstands the years of hormones and arguments over boys and curfews.

A Last Bit of Sweetness at Jilly's Cupcake Bar

For our last hurrah before sending my Sweetness off to her father's for the summer, a friend of mine and I shared an afternoon with our girls.  Jilly's Cupcake Bar was our first stop.  What a treat!  A darling atmosphere, gigantic cupcakes, and swivel chairs made our treat extra special.  

The rest of the day was filled with a trip to Build-A-Bear to create twin bears, a stop at Uno's where the girls made their own pizzas, and a visit to Borders- a treat for all of us!

Day's like this don't make sending my kiddo off any easier for me, but getting to spend a day focussing on just her- without the interjections of younger siblings- is something that I'll miss until she's home to take on another mother-daughter day.

For 5 years, it was just her and I.  We palled around together and had each other's undivided attention any time we wanted.  Keeping that mother-daughter closeness has been a huge priority since remarrying.  I know that someday, sooner than I can imagine, she's going to be shutting herself in her room, preferring the phone or a journal to her mother's ear.  

But here's my theory.  Raising my kids is a lot like dating.  Dating is supposed to create a plethora of fun and happy memories, memories that can be looked back upon when marriage gets tough, memories that give you an idea of what was and what will be again.  My hope is that I can create tons of fun and meaningful moments with my daughter so that she (and I) can look back on them as the teen years tear at our closeness and look forward to the time when we'll once again share secrets, advice, and knowing winks with each other.

Meet Samantha

Yesterday my daughter made a new "friend." On a Christmas shopping trip to Chicago with a few girlfriends, I walked through the doors of the American Girl Store for the first time. My friends each bought their daughters a doll. I decided to wait because I really wanted to take her with me when she got her doll. I have to admit, I was a little bummed to leave the store empty handed!

On New Year's Eve, I ordered the Samantha Doll online as the poor dear was retiring and would not be available for purchase beginning in 2009 (Although I'm sure she'll come out of retirement for a reunion tour at some point). She was backordered until early May when she showed up on my doorstep, and then she was hiding in my closet waiting for the right time to be presented to her new owner.

In order to make the doll special, we got dolled up...

And had a little fun with the presentation!


I was a little worried that she would be growing out of doll play in spite of the fact that American Girl recommends their dolls for 8+, but I have had one very fascinated and very appreciative daughter!

Dr. Laura Wisdom

Getting my daily dose of Dr. Laura this afternoon, I listened to a mother call about her daughter who was planning to have sex with her new and very casual boyfriend.  The mother wanted a new way to try to get through to her daughter.  Dr. Laura's ever direct advice included most of what I expected.  Then she added something I haven't heard her say before: 

Tell your daughter that when she orgasms, she should think to herself, 'This is all there is.'

I was never one to feel guilt-free about pushing physical boundaries with boyfriends; I was, if anything, the opposite.  I find it impossible to believe that there are more than a handful of young girls who truly value that 10 seconds of toe-curling pleasure enough to dismiss any need for commitment, namely marriage.  I mean, I'll take one any day, but would I put myself at risk for STD's or single motherhood for one?  Not a chance.  I think Dr. Laura's words just might have gotten through to me at 15, when I let myself be guilted into sex.  So many girls stupidly believe that there's more to sex with a boyfriend than sex with a boyfriend.  But it does not build intimacy, rather tears the seams of the relationship however child-like it may be.  It does not prove love, rather proves that no respect need be paid.  It does not build a level of comfort in a relationship, rather creates paranoia of unwanted pregnancy or disease.  Only when marital sex is experienced can a person truly comprehend God's purpose for creating it.

I pray that I will never have a daughter who values an orgasm more than her health, her emotions, her future, her God.  I pray also for the courage to speak with such bluntness to my daughters and son, to be a tell-it-like-it-is parent, always loving, always honest.