The Big Stuff: Talking With My Kid About Death and Loss

There are a dozen things swirling in my mind tonight. 

We had a really great meeting with our social worker this morning and gained some great insight into foster adoption. 

My Sweet J comes home in just 21 hours. I can't express how excited we all are for her to be back under our roof! 

I've been working my tail off to create a structured bedtime routine- for myself and the kiddos- in preparation for the school year.

But what I'm thinking about most is my sweet Noah and how happy and sad I am to see him processing through losing his great-grandma. 

On Thursday, the kids and I were going with my mom to the cemetery to take wildflowers to Grandma's grave. When it came time to leave, Noah didn't want to go. He said simply, "No one else died. Why do I need to go?"  I had a feeling he was nervous about being there again, so we let him stay at work with Daddy...

...We made a run to the farm store this evening. We decided to grab pizza on the way home so dinner would not postpone our bedtime routine. While waiting for pizza, we let the kids walk on the walking path across the street. 

The plan: start from opposite ends of the path, high five when they met on the "road," and meet back at the car. 

Miriam walked about ten feet, then took off jogging in her little Old Navy flip flops. She tripped. Amos and I watched as her big brother hurried over, put his arm around her and helped her back to Mom and Dad. Her lip, knee, and hand were scraped and bleeding. There was a little crying, but the injuries were barely worth a band-aid.  Cuddles were given, pizza was purchased, and we were on our way home.

In the middle of teasing his little sister (or being scolded for it), poor Noah burst into sobbing tears, saying over and over that he was scared of dying. He didn't want to ever die.  It would be dark when he died. The five minutes we drove to get home seemed like twenty. Trying to talk Noah through his fear from the front seat of the car was less than ideal. 

I never would have guessed an event like would bring my son's grief to the surface.

When we got home, I snuggled my son on our couch until he stopped shuddering. I was glad to have the time to collect my thoughts. We have talked about Jesus, death, and Heaven many times, but this needed to be a whole different conversation. Noah and my grandma were thick as thieves. Any generous person with candy on hand is a person Noah loves, and Grandma loved Noah's silly nature and the way he'd grin and ask for "cookies for the road" when we visited. They spent lots of time visiting together. 

When you're seven and you have to bury someone so close to you, it brings up a lot of emotions and questions. 

Noah was mostly concerned with the feeling of death. He was afraid it would hurt. Scared he would die soon in his life. He couldn't imagine how he'd be able to see in Heaven without his eyes. Tough questions with no easy, logical answer. He was afraid he would be scared when he died.

We shared about our trust in God and how we know he'll be with us always and through everything. We talked about how blessed we are by Jesus' death and resurrection. How because of Him, it won't be dark after our time on Earth is over. And I told Noah Heaven is greater than anything our simple human minds can imagine. I was able to tell him how Grandma told me not so long ago that she wasn't scared of death. She'd lived a good life, and she knew where she was headed next. 

As sad as I was for Noah tonight, I was so blessed to be able to share such precious time with him! Talking to Noah about the tough stuff is when he and I connect the most. We talk honestly, share our hearts, and build trust in each other. I am so honored and thankful to be trusted with his heart it's the most difficult for him to share it.

A Photo List of Smiles

It's been a stressful week or two, but we've had lots of reasons to SMILE too! 

J came home for the day, and we got to take a road trip so that she could meet her newest cousin. It was SO good to get a little mother-daughter time in with her!

Watching J open her package full of Octocat stickers... oh priceless! Amos mentioned to a guy from the company, GitHub, that she loved their mascot, And he sent her a giant pile of Octocats dressed in all kinds of silliness!

It's the little things, like latte art... 

Miriam performed in her second recital. And so did Amos! 

Little ballerinas always make me smile!

My parents added a sidewalk. J and Noah enjoyed watching concrete be poured. All three kids got to add their hand prints. J got to come home for Grandma's funeral. It made everyone in my family happy to have her home for the night, and she was thrilled to see her out-of-state uncle and aunt too. 

I acquired a TEENAGER!

The little ones went on their first train ride last weekend. It was a lot of fun for them, and fun for me to watch them enjoy the experience- especially walking to the cafe car. Moving between cars was the highlight of their trip! 

And at our destination, we got to go to the zoo and see a really entertaining polar bear who did back flips off the glass wall of his swimming pool, a tiger who was pouncing on the netting of his cage, and for the first time, kangaroos.

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Tween Daughters- Bridging the Gap

Big Sister is morphing from a little kid to a very capable tweenager. She has a good head on her shoulders, but there are still days when I feel like we're on our way to being strangers. Lately, I've been reflecting on my own pre-teen (because that's what we were called in those days!) years to see what made me feel special. Between the ideas that I liked growing up and some of my new experiences, I'm gaining ground with my kiddo instead of loosing touch with her.

Try these ideas to reconnect with your tweenage daughter...

* Give her a piece of your jewelry. Make sure it's something appropriate for her age. Earrings that hang down to her shoulders will not do the trick! Consider resizing a ring, choosing necklace that can be wrapped twice around her neck or a brooch that can be converted to a hair pin.

* Read a book together. Find a novel that you'll both enjoy, buy or borrow two copies, and read it book club style. Maybe hit a coffee shop for an evening of reading. Celebrate the conclusion of the book.

* Find a hobby to share or start (and finish!) a project together.

* Pass down your prized possession. Be it a camera that you've upgraded from, an older sewing machine, a book collection from your childhood, a tween daughter will feel privileged to be the owner of something dear to you.

* Make her a friendship quilt.

*Do something childish with her. Skating, sledding, slip 'n' sliding... it doesn't matter as long as she's seeing you on her level, letting your hair down and being silly!

* Find your own "anniversary" to remember. Know the dad you found out you were pregnant with her? Maybe the day she first said "mama" or your first girls' night. Let her help you decide, but mark it on the calendar!

* Have an actual conversation with her every day. Don't let the relief of having a kid who is self-sufficient lead to a realization that you haven't spoken to you daughter in a week. Make sure the talk involved something more than "How was your day?" or "Do you have any homework." Ask her about specifics and respond to what she has to say.

* Get excited about what she's excited about-- even if you have to morph into your pre-teen self to do it. You could get on the floor and stack block with her at 1, you can most definitely play on Build-a-Bear.com for a while and love it.

* Pray together. With prayer comes closeness, appreciation, admiration, and respect. Pray out loud for yourselves, for each other, in thanks and for guidance. Complete a bible study or faith building book together.

*Embarrass her- but not too much! Yell "I love you!" out the window when you drop her off at school, but don't do it if you've left your curlers in for the drive! Leave her a note of a picture of the two of you in her lunchbox or notebook. Send her flowers.

Beating the Summer Slump

On Dr. Laura's website tonight, I stumbled on a great article:

200+ Tips for Summertime-- or Anytime-- Fun!

The larger part of summer vacation has passed, the BACK TO SCHOOL ISLE has snuck into Wal-Mart, and most of our great close-to-home plans for the summer may well have been exhausted leaving the chins of our angels resting lazily in their hands.  As Mommy, I've even begun to get burnt out on the great summer activities that we love, today in particular.  The article lists tons of ideas that kids can do alone, with each other, or with an adult.  Some are silly, some are fun, and some are really useful!  The list is is so expansive that I challenge you all to think of an idea that's not listed in some way!  

Here are a few of my favorites:

*  Use a magnifying glass

*  Make frisbees out of old plastic lids, decorate with markers

*  Surprise a neighbor with a good deed

*  Whittle bars of soap (this one makes me laugh!)

*  Decorate bikes or wagons and have a parade

*  Take a nap outside on your lawn

And here are a few of our ideas:

*  Experiment with mixing paints to learn about the color wheel

*  Visit PBSkids.org

*  Organize the bookshelf and choose some to donate to a local preschool or church nursery

*  Practice casting a fishing pole (with a weight instead of a hook!)

Here's to making the most of what's left of the summer!

Connecting with Kids

For some reason, I had this desire to celebrate the end of school with flying colors.  I considered bombarding my kid with silly string when she got in the car, heading straight to our local ice cream parlor, and finally decided to have "What Time Is It?" from the High School Musical 2 soundtrack (the song that plays when the kids start summer vacation) blaring from the minivan speakers in the pick up line.  A quick trip to my I-Tunes store conveniently located right in my living room, a silly pink hat and sunglasses for myself, and we were set.  

When my daughter climbed in the car, she'd been crying.  I'd been so focused on celebrating the end of my year of misery that I'd completely overlooked the fact that she had just spent her last day with the 24 kids she'd gone to school with for the past six year.  Oops.  

God was working this one, though.  It turned out that my upbeat victory cruise was delayed long enough for me to sympathize with the loss of friendships and to remind my daughter that she would see her friends any time we went to Mass there.  Then, I cranked the volume, rolled down the windows, and all three of my kids and I rocked out to HSM all the way home.  It was the perfect thing to bring her back to her cheerful energetic self!  

I love that I can let myself be a little crazy with my kids.  I certainly did not grow up with parents who let their hair down around me.  Or perhaps I did see them at their craziest...  Either way, it is an effort for me to be silly with my kids.  It's especially tough for me to force myself back into 8-year-old mode to interact with my daughter.  I think it's something that we all should make ourselves do.  If we force ourselves to let loose with our kids, interact with them kid-to-kid rather than parent-to-child, I think we would all find that there's as much benefit for ourselves as for our children.  Seeing the world from their perspective allows us to feel a deeper connection with our kids- even if that perspective is one that wants to read the same book 14 times in a row, that finds great joy in removing items from a box one by one and then replacing them, or that finds palm-sized plastic bobble head animals to be the best thing since Mac and Cheese!  If we can get excited about the same things as our kids, it's amazing what may come of them being able to share a part of their lives with us!  

* Disclaimer-- I do not plan to apply this theory if I find  my children excited by things beyond their maturity, immoral or illegal. :-)