Supporting other Foster Families, Foster License, and Waiting Child Inquiry

Our friends from our licensing class received a placement- two girls. We are super excited for them. And we are brokenhearted. You can't exactly celebrate when it was tragedy that expanded their family. So we do what we know how to do. We help. And we listen. I spent the morning going through J's storage clothing for items that would work for the girls. I did laundry. The kids chose books to share. I invited other mommies to help. 

Reading texts from my friend about her girls made me antsy to get our own placement. And it made me want to never get one. Getting a placement means that a child needed us. It means they didn't have a safe place to be. It means a child was hurt in some way and that a major separation had to take place. 

Our license came in the mail the very same day. 

It is beautiful and valuable and precious. 

It is a single sheet of paper, but it signifies years of prayer and listening and waiting. Months of classes. Hours of paperwork. And most importantly our goal and commitment to serve children.


Speaking of that goal, we expressed interest in a sweet 7 year old boy today. This is the first child we've inquired about since being licensed. If this is the child God has planned for our family, that will be amazing!! And if He has other plans, then we're happy to be testing the waters of adopting from foster care. We used AdoptUsKids to inquire, and the form made me realize once again that we're rookies in this area. I didn't know the date of our home study, the official name of our agency, what social worker to write down. Sometimes I need visual aids to find out which already-too-busy person to bug with my question. Inevitably, I contact the wrong one, and she spends precious minutes of her time redirecting me. The email responses are in sharp contrast to the conversations I have with these sweet ladies when we're face-to-face. 

one liners with hardly a period to end them. 

I picture them pouring through endless emails from clueless foster moms like me. I'm trying to take a hint and keep my emails as straightforward as theirs, but I find myself adding chit-chatty remarks like "Sorry to bug you once again..." or "I'm really looking forward to starting this process..." I'm sending a little holiday something to our circle of workers in apology appreciation for their time. 

My Dear Licensing Worker,
Please accept this gift as a pathetic attempt to balance our service to one another. Your willingness to spend your precious moments on my silly questions has not gone unnoticed. 

Your Rookie Foster Mom

Something like that anyway! 

** Just after I published this I got an email from our adoption worker assuring me that my questions were welcome any time and that the adoption process was most definitely a confusing one.  Little emails like that make me feel like part of the social work family. 

Almost Official

Tomorrow our sweet licensing worker will visit, and when she leaves, we will be official foster parents. 

Honestly, I'm terrified. 

It's been a month since we signed our home study. A whole month of silence and very little evidence that we were teetering on the edge of a major life change. I'd like to say that it's been hard to wait, that we've been counting down the days with growing anxiousness.

I'd be lying. 

I have reveled in the silent mornings when the kids have left for school and I am left with my coffee and a peaceful view.

I appreciated every opportunity to sneak lunch dates with Amos. I noticed every instance where I felt stretched to my parenting limit. We went on outings, aware of the ease of being a family with three school-age kids.

Here's the truth. I'm still struggling with giving up the comfort and normalcy and routine. I'm struggling with giving it up AND with taking it away from my kids.

I haven't asked for a single update from our licensing worker. I haven't wondered what in the world could be taking the home study agency so long. People seem to think that I should be jumping out of my skin with anticipation, and I almost feel apathetic when I share about this waiting period.

But here's the thing.
God's got this.
He knows the plan.
I want His perfect timing.
We want to do His will.
The last thing I want to do is rush the preparations that God is making. 

Our Last Spaulding Class and A Silly Phone Snapshot

Class dismissed!

We're another step closer to the finish line! Amos was a little sad to see our eleven week foster adoption crash course end tonight. The kids are sad that their regular visits with Grandma and Grandpa are over. They thought it was pretty neat that Mom and Dad were students. 

Me? 

I've never been so thankful to for a class to be over in my life. I have a new appreciation of all you mommies who are also students. You all amaze me!

PROVISIONS

THIS is sitting in my foyer right now. 

It is so strange to have a crib and no a baby growing inside me. Truthfully, seeing it sit there gives me a touch of baby fever. I need to store it away... and go cuddle my niece and nephew!

I mentioned my crib needs to my aunt and cousin who yard sale together nearly every weekend. They promised to keep an eye out, but my aunt said that she rarely saw the kind that would meet regulations. 

That was Friday. On Saturday morning, I got a call. They'd found a crib. $25. 

God is such an amazing provider!

In other news, We started our Spaulding adoption class last night. Lots of information- a few great tips that we hadn't considered before. And another open invitation to call with questions. One thing I can say about our division of child services is that they have a true open door policy. I so appreciate it! 

Our home study is a becoming more of a focus now. The home study is what a child's worker will use to narrow the interested families down to the ones they will meet and consider for the child(ren). It's the ONLY thing they will read to make that initial cut, so it's important that it accurately reflect our family. We'll be reviewing and finalizing it soon. I did wonder after class last night if it was possible to include a link to this blog. Has anyone else included a blog in their home study? 

The Missouri Heart Gallery is coming to my little town! It's going to be on display at our Fall Festival. I'm praying that lots of hearts are touched by the sweet faces of our waiting children. And who knows? We might connect with our child that day as well! 

Five Things I Didn't Know About the Foster System. And Ten Tips on Preparing For Placements.

Tonight was our last STARS class.

We met with and questioned a panel of characters who work within the foster system. Judge. Juvenile Officer. Licencing Supervisor. CASA worker. Investigating worker. Foster mother. Case Worker. Foster child. It was a whirlwind of questioning, acronyms, labels, suggestions, timelines. They offered great information, and we left with lots to think about. 

Nine weeks ago, we introduced ourselves to our classmates for the first time. A couple with 3 bio kids perusing adoption. 

Tonight as we introduced ourselves to the panel, I was excited to share that we were a couple with three kids open to foster care and adoption. It was as much a statement to myself as to the panel.

I scribbled lots of information in the next hour and a half.

Information about working within the foster system

1.  Family Support Team (FST)- a team consisting of anyone who interacts with the child. This is potentially giant group  of people. Bio and foster parents, caseworkers, counselors, teachers, day care providers, etc. These meetings occur at least semi-annually and additionally as needed.

2.  Permanency Planning Review Team (PPRT)- meets on a set schedule (within 72 hours of placement, monthly, semiannually)

3.  Court hearings:
Protective custody hearing must happen within 72 hours of child entering foster care.
Judication hearings take place within 30 days of placement
Review hearings and Permanency hearings happen periodically as well. 

4.  For hearings, foster parents are able to submit statements about the case to ensure that their voice is heard. We can request a Caregiver Court Report Form or communicate through our CASA (court appointed special advocate) worker.

5.  Speaking of CASA workers, these individuals are volunteer advocates for the children. They meet with the kids/foster parents monthly and help advise the judge on the child's progress and future.

We heard a lot of great information about helping a child settle into our home when they are placed with us. 

1.  Kids are largely a blank slate when they come to our home. They have their own set of normal that are very different from normal in our home. The kids have to learn procedures, rules, expectations, the layout of the home. All of this while reeling from being removed from their parents.

2.  Show them where the bathroom is.

3.  Keep basic toiletries on hand (toothbrush, kids toothpaste, soap, hairbrush)

4.  Consider creating "welcome packages"

5.  Find out their favorites (color, snack, movie, book) and incorporate them SOON.

6.  Make sure they have something of their own (it might be the first thing they've ever owned).

7.  They need their own space or place to keep their things, even if it's simply a dresser and bed.

8.  The foster mom on the panel let her kids paint their rooms when they arrived at her home. How cool is that?

9.  When the kids come to us, they come with lots of stories and baggage, and they will  (hopefully) begin to open up to us about their lives. The investigative worker practically begged us, "DO NOT REACT WITH SHOCK!" If the kids think we can't handle their problems, they will feel like they have to handle it alone.

10.  As I was listening to the advice on preparing for our first placements, I was reminded of my experiences planning for my children to be born. How would I get in touch with Amos when I went into labor? What if he was out of town or in a meeting? We needed someone on call to care for the older kids when labor started (and a backup caregiver). I had my mom ready to accompany us to the hospital for extra support. When we came home with our new baby, we welcomed extra hands to help with the transition. We ran on little sleep, and it was so helpful when someone offered to entertain our older kids and give them some extra attention.
Expecting a placement seems much the same. We need a Placement Call Plan. How will we handle the calls? What questions will we want to be sure to ask? At what point can I accept a placement if I can't get in touch with Amos? What are our deal breaker issues?


Tonight was our last STARS class. We made it! 

Sort of. Now we take the Spaulding class for adoptive families and wait for our home study to be finalized. Then we meet with our licensing worker to (hopefully)  finalize our license and get the show on the road!

Crunch Time: Prayers Needed in the Coming Days

The summer has, once again, slipped through my fingers. It's back to school soon. Miriam's first year in elementary school. J's last year in middle school. My first year with all three kids in school all day. I keep getting questioned,

"What are you going to do now that they're all in school?" 

Honestly, I'm uncomfortable with this question. I wish I wasn't. I want my days to be cleaning, cooking, volunteering, to be excited to get the kids home to an after-school snack and debriefing, with enough energy left to be a wife when Amos gets home. That's what I'm called to do. But the "excuse" to stay home runs out when your kids hit Kindergarten. 

My usual answer to the big questions is "I'm going to spend the first semester helping in the kids' classrooms,  enjoying a house that stays clean and laundry that is caught up." I add that I might substitute come second semester if I have too much time on my hands. I guess that is the plan. For now. But once we finish classes next week and find out for certain that we are licensed to adopt, my answer will change a bit. Instead of talking about substituting, I'll be sharing with everyone that we're waiting for our newest child(ren).

I'm giddy excited. And paralyzed with fear. 

To this point, our path has been very private. We've shared our story with my family and our closest friends (and of course the entire blog community!), but only word of mouth has taken the news any further. I've mentioned before that we're in the midst of a two-way interview. We haven't been offered the job, and we haven't had a chance to accept the position. Yet. 

It's crunch time. We're six days away from finishing our licensing class. Then it's time to make some very complicated decisions. 

Will we adopt? Will we foster? Both? What type of fostering will we be open to? What works for our family? Where is God leading us? 

I am desperately reaching to God. Relying on Him. Praying, praying that we are able to follow His lead.

What I want to ask of you is this:

Will you pray for us in the coming days? 

My God, our God, is wildly amazing. The way he loves me takes my breath away. I am so undeserving of his grace and mercy! We are blessed beyond words to be walking beside him, to be an instrument of his peace.

Amos and I need wisdom. We need time to be silent and listen to God. We need to walk by faith which takes courage. We need courage. We need to trust God with our family, trust that he is present and working in the hearts of all of our children, those already under our roof and those who are not yet with us. We are so appreciative of any and all prayers and petitions that you are so kind to offer on our behalf! 

Seventh STARS Class and Foster Parenting Tidbits

I'm still processing my thoughts on our discipline lass from two weeks ago, but last night's STARS class was about permanency and the importance of lifetime relationships for all children.

Thoughts that I loved from this class:

1) If you adopt a child outside your culture/race, think of your family as a multicultural unit, not a family who is learning about the new kids' culture and background.

2) When you adopt, you are permanently tying your family to another (the child's birth family), even if you never see or speak to them again.

3) You absolutely MUST be at peace with your child loving and missing their biological family, even after adoption. Perhaps especially after adoption. It's best if you can find a way to celebrate and remember the bio family much like you would a relative who has passed away.

4) It is the goal of Children's Division to have a child in a permanent family within two years of entering the foster system.

The class discussion veered off course a bit and ended up highlighting a few interesting facts that I didn't know about foster parenting. Of course, all policies vary from state to state and can change.

1) It tuns out that you have to be specially licensed to care for kiddos with more severe behavioral/emotional issues. Because we won't be being licensed those areas, we most likely won't be risking exposing our children to extreme behavioral/emotional issues.

2) Anyone can be approved as Respite Care Providers, and that doesn't put them on some list that would make them available to any foster parent's request. What that means is that we can continue to use our normal alternative child care options (largely my parents) for all of our children while we wait for the adoption to be finalized. The adults in the house just need to get fingerprinted and have a quick walk-through done of their house.

3) There are several "types" of foster parents. Some are signed up to be strictly emergency care providers and would only be offering temporary short term care. Emergency care might include a situation where a non-offending parent lived far away and couldn't come to pick up the child for a day or two. It could also happen that a grandparent or another relative was able and willing to take the child but had to have a background check and home walk-through completed.

4) A foster parent can make decisions about a foster child's prescription medications, routine medical care, and education, but foster parents CANNOT cut the child's hair without permission from the biological parent. I love this one. It makes me smile. A birth parent can also decide whether his/her child leaves the state with a foster family. If a biological parent really wanted to be the one to experience the beach with their child, she has the right to request that the child stay behind. I'd never thought about vacationing with foster kids from the biological parents' viewpoint, but it has to be SO HARD to watch your kid go on a fabulous trip with another family. Guilt, insecurity, loss, fear... not fun.

Foster System Lesson #3 and A Home Study Meeting

I woke up to the sounds of Noah and Miriam bickering over seating arrangements for morning TV time. I knew better than to think the day would be peaceful. All I wanted to do was go back to sleep, to take a day for myself to process my feelings about having lost my grandma. But there was breakfast to serve. A dozen rooms to tidy. Questionnaires to complete. A yard to mow. Reality wouldn't wait, so my feet found the ground. My hands poured cereal and milk, and my mind set itself on deep cleaning and organizing.

By noon I was wondering how we'd ever be ready for our home study meeting. We had 24 hours left to prepare and 48 or more hours of preparation left to accomplish. I wasn't handling the stress anymore. I felt feverish, overwhelmed, and as if all motivation was gone. My sweet husband sent me to nap and took the kids to town for lunch. I thought about my grandma and cried myself to sleep in my silent house.

I could have slept until Friday. Instead, I awoke two hours later in much the same mood but feeling physically strengthened. And I moved on to work on our bedroom. In that moment, sitting on my floor in a pile of storage to be sorted, not a single part of me cared about the outcome of our meeting. By now, the kids had been through ten days of constant activities and were also sad about grandma. No one was getting along, and Amos and I were both scraping the bottom of our patience reserves. I wanted to cancel the meeting altogether, even if that meant abandoning our entire adoption plan. I voiced these thoughts as I continued moving through the motions of organizing, cleaning, and typing answers. At 2 AM, I typed the final period of the final answer to the final question. The to-do list wasn't finished, but I was.

I read recently that stress is one of the enemy's greatest weapons, and last Thursday he used it well. It was truly only by Jesus' hand that I managed to limp through the day, and only by the grace of God that I awoke Friday morning feeling rested and content with my cluttered house.

When Ms. S arrived and I realized that she really did expect all of our paperwork to be completed, I felt content working through the last of it as she read through our questionnaires. I didn't offer excuses for the unfinished paperwork or clutter left around the house, probably because she didn't seem at all concerned with it. She seemed less than concerned with a bedroom that still waited for a door to be installed or with the medicines that had yet to be secured under lock and key. She didn't seem worried about the household chemicals that were stored at ground level and didn't even seem to notice that our island counter was sitting unsecured on the cabinets below. I expected a dozen things to be on our fix-it list when she left, but it was simply: 1) email a reference's address and 2) post our fire escape plan. I asked her if she had any other items that we would need to complete to be licensed, but there were none. She'll visit once more where she'll look at "anything changed that we want to show her" and finalize paperwork. It should take about 15 minutes.

My most recent foster system lesson: #3 is

Don't stress over your home study! 

A home study feels like the be all and end all of foster licensing. In reality, it is only a part of what is necessary for licensing. Our social worker and her supervisor (who teaches our class) will also have a say in the decision. I'm wondering, now, if their opinions will matter more than the home study. We were told on the first night of class that the entire nine weeks would be like a very long interview. At the time, I thought it was a metaphor, but I'm learning how true that really is. The social workers observe us from the first contact we make. They see what our priorities are, how organized we are, how respectful, cooperative, and willing. It is the social workers who get to know us. The home study is simply a double check of what the social worker has already seen, a verification that there isn't a red flag that may have been missed.

Amos and I were far more concerned with the condition of our home than Children's Division was. I think that is probably the case with most responsible families.

Foster System Lesson #2, Bundles of Joy, and Bio Parents

What a whirlwind of a week this one has been! God is ever present, even in the midst of the endless driving, the to-do lists, and the appointments. How blessed I am! 

Before I share about last weeks' class, I have to tell you about the beautiful way that God orchestrated the timing of my sweet new nephew's arrival! During our Tuesday foster licensing classes, my parents have agreed to keep our kids, and we all knew it was possible that I'd have to call in last-minute reinforcements when my sister went into labor with her baby #2. 

On Monday night, I got a text. "If I had to bet, I'd bet tonight is the night." Man, what a sad thought it was for me to have to miss being there to hang out with my niece while her little brother made his arrival... and have to wait to cuddle him! I wasn't happy to have to choose my class over helping my sister. I texted back. "Keep me posted! And tell your son that he'll be my favorite nephew if he waits until tomorrow night!" Contractions disappeared overnight, and on Tuesday afternoon, my sister reported that there was no activity that warranted a back-up sitter for the evening.

In class that night, I kept my phone silenced but close just in case my parents would get called to KC. At 8:55, my brother-in-law's number showed up on my screen. Ten minutes later, we were finished with class and on our way to get our kids home. I tucked them into bed, threw a few items into an overnight bag, hopped into the car with my parents for the four hour drive to my sister's home. I arrived at her house before my niece awoke and spent the day playing and bonding with my niece while my parents and hers were at the hospital. I got to snuggle my brand-new favorite nephew and spend a few precious moments with my sister before I came back home. Everything worked like clockwork, and it was another little affirmation that God is clearing this path as we walk.

Now. About our class. On my papers from last week, I wrote, 

"ASK TOO MANY QUESTIONS!" 

This is my lesson #2. In dealings with the foster system, ask questions. Annoy your social workers, the bio parents, your fellow foster/adoptive parents. Ask the dumb questions and the unimportant ones. Ask questions about the process, the paperwork, the kids. Ask TONS of questions about the kids. Write them down. Write down the answers. Ask questions in person, through email, or over the phone. Don't be afraid! Information is power, and you'll have to gather it from many people. It's better to ask too many questions than not enough! 

During our first meeting and walk-through with our social worker, I had a list of something like seven questions I wanted to ask. I only asked two of them. I wanted to ask for her opinion on family counseling through the adoption process, but I didn't. I haven't. In the back of my mind, I was afraid she would think it was unnecessary or that using a counselor would mean something negative, like we couldn't help our own children navigate stresses in their lives. These were silly little fears that kept me from asking. 

In class last week, our licensing officer asked us a question. "If you were unable to take care of your kids, what kind of person would you want to care for them?" This question, one that I've thought about quite a bit, was an easy one for me to answer. I would want someone who is the most like me- in values, personality, and faith. The point was made that bio parents of foster kids are like every parent. They want their children to be cared for by someone who is going to communicate to them about their kid, someone who will provide a loving and supportive atmosphere and who will support the kids' cultural identity. 

Matching adoptive families to waiting children is a tricky task. The more cultural similarities there are, the easier it will be, in theory, to bond and transition. The less similar our child/children's background is to our own, the more time and attention will need to be paid to celebrating two cultures. 

Amos would LOVE to adopt a deaf child. In fact, he has mentioned it so many times that I'm beginning to wonder if it's not a hunch but a little heads up from God. Amos and J have been learning to sign for over a year, long before this journey officially began. Now, the whole family is learning to sign. Should we end up with a deaf child in our family, it will mean a commitment to his/her culture. We will be doing our best to connect him/her to the deaf community and immerse ourselves in the culture as well. Should we end up with a child from another cultural background, at least we'll be able to talk to each other across a room without shouting! 

Much of last week was spent learning about the biological parents' role in foster care and the relationship that foster parents have with bio parents. Ideally, foster parents are committing to the bio parent as well as the foster child. When the goal is reunification, a foster parent can become a mentor to the bio parents, teaching them child care, parenting. and life skills. It truly is a beautiful calling, one that I would love to have. I left last week's class praying for a bio mom that I know whose kiddos are in foster care right now-- and I left more sure than ever that we will be adopt-only parents for now. 

Foster System Lesson #1 and First Licensing Class

Oh, the paperwork! The reading! The forms to fill out and submit! I think this might be the reason for the lack of written information on the topic of foster care adoption. Everyone is too busy reading the giant book from Child Services, and there is no time left for outside literature! I'm kidding of course, but what I am finding is that we are getting numerous forms to fill out, mentions of other forms to come, to-do's (like fingerprinting and physicals), and lots of reading and homework. All of this paperwork is assigned without a nice tidy check list to keep track of your tasks or even time to do much more than scrawl an abbreviated note onto a post-it. I like checklists. And organization. I'm learning that I'm on my own for that. Child Services is organized, but they have left it up to us to organize ourselves. That's not a bad thing. Honestly, if I can't keep up with a mound of paperwork, assigned tasks, and homework, how would I ever keep up with a child who needs special attention and likely appointments and paperwork of his/her own?

SO, Lesson #1 is to keep up with paperwork. I mean, fill it out the second it enters your hand, read it that very evening, make the appointment as soon as you have enough information to do so, and hand everything in to your social worker ASAP. 

Stay ahead or fall so far behind that you'll never catch up! 

We attended our first licensing class last night. It's STARS here in Missouri. There are 15 couples and 2 singles on our "team," plus the licensing officer and our "master foster parent". I LOVE that there is a seasoned foster parent leading the class, one that has adopted and also had many kids in his home as traditional foster children with the goal of reunification. I loved the diverse backgrounds and cultures that were represented. There were couples in the military, couples from Asia and Puerto Rico, those who had several kids, who were unable to conceive, who were empty nesters. There were accents and a variety of races. There were married and singles. It was really beautiful to see a universal love and compassion for hurting kids among such diversity.  

The class wasn't exciting, but it didn't seem like it was three hours long either. After introductions, we were given a broad overview of the foster system in a question-answer format. And there was a video highlighting the lives of two foster kids. 

What was impressed upon us was the purpose of this licensing process. It is essentially a huge, three month interview between Amos and I and Child Services. They are interviewing us to see if we are a safe place for their children, and we are interviewing them to decide if their children are a good fit for our family. The outcome can be one of four:

1- We and Child Services think that working with foster kids is a good fit for us. 

2- Neither we nor Child Services think that working with foster kids is a good fit for us.

3- They think we'd be great, but we don't think it's a good fit for our family.

4- We think we'd be great, but Child Services doesn't. 

Only options 1 ends in licensing. Option 4 is everyone's fear. Rejections is always a possibility in foster care. Child Services may reject us or foster children may reject us. REJECTION. 

A sweet and Godly cousin of mine told me recently that 

Rejection is God's Protection.

Listening for God, praying our way through and doing our best is all we can do. After that, we are placing our trust in Him, trusting that he will always protect us from harm and knowing that it will never be easy to follow the his will.