We Asked... An overdue story.

We knew that Miss A was ready for adoption. She would talk about the future years with the assumption that she was ours and we were hers. But when it came down to being able to actually say the words that fourteen year olds must say, she couldn't quite voice that she wanted to be adopted. 

Amos and I felt it important that she knew that we LOVED and WANTED her, and that it wasn't a favor we were doing or a work of charity or anything of the sort. She is a blessing in our life, and we didn't ever want her to think that we were anything but grateful for her. 

We decided to tell her so.  

Early on a Sunday morning, I packed a tub of chalk into my purse and snuck off to the park where we first laid our eyes on our precious kiddos. I walked to the exact spot we stood waiting to visit with her social worker, unaware that our daughter was literally within reach of us. 

I spent a few minutes sketching out a simple message:

From the moment we first saw you... We have loved you.

Amos and I had planned this day for weeks, and I was so nervous and unsure of how the events would unfold. I was nervous that this would be too grand a gesture for our A... nervous that is would be too small. Nervous that we were wrong, and that she didn't really want adoption, and that we would make her feel terrible for saying no... or trapped into saying yes.

After church, we left four of our kids with my parents and headed out for an afternoon with Miss A. 

The day began with brunch at a "fancy" restaurant. It was outside of Miss A's comfort zone, and I was sure we'd made it too obvious that we had a plan in the works. 

Afterward lunch, we faked a necessary run to the next town over and a "spur of the moment" visit to the park. She had just been asking us the day before to go, so it was an easy sell.  

We walked around the pond, did a little swinging, and then headed to the car where we had left a board game. I suggested that we sit at the picnic tables to play for a while. After a skeptical look, Miss A obliged and followed us toward our proposal spot.

We gave her a moment to notice the colors on the ground, read her name, and realize that her entire day had been carefully planned for this moment.

Then Amos presented the ring we had searched for. We told her that we loved her, that we were incredibly blessed that God sent her to us, and that we didn't want her anywhere else but with us in our family. Then we asked her if we could adopt her as our true, forever daughter. I watched her eyes begin to well.



And then...





We waited...




And waited...



After a minute or ummmms and oh my goodnesses.... , I suggested that we sit and play our game. It was an incredibly awkward half hour. The question was out there, unanswered. Amos and I weren't able to talk about how to proceed except for a few glances. We joked and played our board game, but we were really just waiting to see what happened next.

We packed up the game pieces, and I held back to let Amos take the lead. We walked back to our spot, and after a moment, Amos asked gently, "So what do you think?" She said, "I think... YES"

Amos placed the ring on Miss A's finger. We hugged, we cried, and we took pictures. Then we headed to our favorite coffee shop (where we'd taken A on Meetcha Day) to celebrate.


I knew that our sweet girl felt special, but I wasn't sure if she'd given us a yes freely until I started to hear her tell other people about her ring and the proposal. From then on, it was easy to talk with Miss A about name changes, about how we thought life would be outside the system, about our dreams for the future of our family.

We are still waiting for a court date to be scheduled, but we all have peace. Adoption isn't an IF anymore. It's only a matter of WHEN. 

The Call

I am so unworthy of the incredible trust God has placed in me. We are officially on our way to being a family of SEVEN!

My cell phone rang Thursday at 4:00. It wasn't the main CD number, but it was the same prefix, so I wasn't surprised to hear Miss A's voice when I answered. We'd been waiting 265 days for this call.

"I have good news."
pause...
"You and Amos were selected as the adoptive placement."

And with that, our lives are forever changed.

I cannot begin to explain the perfect way that God has knit our stories together. Maybe someday I'll be able to find the words to do Him justice. I'm standing in this little corner of the world watching His plans fall into place in a way that only He could have designed.

Thirty-eight weeks ago, Amos and I walked with our three kids through a carnival of kids in matching T-shirts. We stood just a few feet away from our daughter as she visited with Miss B before we did. That day, she and her brother snuggled into our hearts, and we found ourselves making a follow-up call for the exact children that J and Noah had been praying for, a 12-year-old girl and 7-year-old boy.

Over the last thirty-eight weeks, we've done a "Say 'Yes' and Let it Go" dance. We called, then prayed, then waited two weeks. We got a call back, said yes, prayed, and waited nearly 6 more months. Their sweet profiles showed up in our email on March 18th. We said "Yes" and waited a few more times before we finally got the call telling us that our kids were ready to start heading home to us.

We've had a busy week telling the kids, reorganizing, making plans to adapt our home for our new additions, and reading up on adopting with a vengeance. While we can't guess the timeline or even the day that we'll meet our kids, we know where we are headed, and we are thankful.

A Placement Hearing, an FST Meeting, and Countless Lessons Learned

Today Amos and I attended the placement hearing and first FST (family support team) meeting for our girls. The hours that we spent inside the courthouse and later at CD served as humbling reminders of how close each of us are to our own children being in protective custody. Sometimes it only takes an accusation for a family to be tangled into the system, and sometimes the accusations are going to end up untrue. 

I'm learning that I am a foster parent who is a defender of families and one who hopes that the good story is the true one. 

Today we met two very sad parents who truly seem to be working like mad to get their family back together. We watched a mother hear a judge say her babies could not come home with her today. We watched a dad wipe away tears and keep his composure because his wife was depending on him to be the strong one. We watched a room full of people work together in the name of reunification. The workers and veteran foster parents all agreed that it was the most productive and promising start to a case they'd ever witnessed. 

Today I came to understand that we foster families cannot allow our stories to be about us. 

We cannot be the ones to cry in a sad situation. The family that we're helping needs our support. That means that we have to put our own emotions aside until another time. We don't get to draw attention to ourselves; because the kids, and the parents, deserve every bit of effort focused on them. 

My foster parenting journey is not about me and my family. My day today was not about how my husband and I grew closer through it all, not about how great my sweet Miriam is at big sistering, not about how Miss J is getting so great at loving these sweeties with reckless abandon. No. 

Today is about pouring every ounce of effort into giving a family their best shot at once again gathering in their family room together. 

It's about validating a mother's love and knowledge of her children. It's about teaming up to create the best circumstances for her children until all the pieces of their puzzle are put together. Today is about making connections. Today is THIER day, not mine. This story is THEIR story, not mine. I am humbled and blessed beyond measure to play my small role, to be a witness to true love of a family.

A Birthday, A Getaway, and a Foster Adoption Update

We just got home from a couple days in the city. 

We accidentally entertained our kids to the point of exhaustion, 

but it was SO MUCH FUN! It was 48 hours away from real life and real life issues. J isn't a fan of public pictures anymore (or at least right now), so just imagine a teenager along side the Littles! 

My sweet Noah celebrated his birthday. Eight is a big deal to him. He counted down the days for weeks and dreamed of Skylanders hiding inside brightly colored packages. 

Skylanders didn't appear, but he took the disappointment like a champ. 

Because of his grown up reaction to the disappointment, it was all the more enjoyable to see him open his little sister's present- a gift card to Game Stop to be used for the Disney Infinity system. We're taking video game Mondays to a whole new level around here!

We looked at the snow outside from the indoor pool, lined ourselves in the center of the theatre for the Lego Movie and cashed in the freebie birthday gifts at the mall. $5 for Build-A-Bear, a giant free cookie from Barnes and Noble, and a Lego cube (a promo from my Christmas shopping) to fill with building blocks. 

All free entertainment. 

As for the Foster Adoption Updates: 

Before we left home, we inquired about a little 4 year old who is in need of an adoptive placement. We're excited to hear more about this smiling girl with braided hair. 

It will likely end like our other inquiries have, with loose strings and the farthest thing from a tidy package. 

Like always, we are praying for God's will, not our own. God's plan, not our own. We're praying that this sweetheart is in her forever home soon whether that is with us (which would be so amazing!!) or with another family. 

We also heard from our adoptive worker this week to schedule her first home visit with us. 12 days cannot pass quickly enough! I'm so excited to have a chance to sit down with her and ask our mile-long list of questions. The whole point of the meeting is for her to get to know us and be able to better match us to children who are in need of adoptive homes. THAT is an exciting thought! 

Since the boys left a few weeks ago, I've been sitting on my hands to keep myself from changing our license to accept long term foster placements. We all loved having the boys here, and I felt like we were able to establish a great connection with their grandpa in the few days that they stayed with us. It was a short term emergency placement, just like we'd planned to accept. It worked in reality even better than it had in our imaginations. 

Why not commit to longer placements? 

I'm trying to keep in mind that we prayed through our decision making when we were getting ready to sign our foster care license, but in the back of my mind, there's a little piece of me wondering if that was just a stepping stone on our path to traditional foster care. I've watched God work in His perfect timing to warm us to the idea of adoption, then respite care, then short term foster care. There's nothing to say that this is where we will land. We have some big prayers to pray and lots of listening to do. If we're to settle into our current arrangement, then I'm praying for peace with that. If long term foster care is in my family's future, I trust that God will make that known to us. 

Catch Up

Quiet months in our home have given me peace about the possibility of huge changes in 2014.  We had a whirlwind Advent. It was more hectic than in years passed. More hectic even though I didn't have my usual girls' holiday trip. Even though I didn't help out with classroom Christmas parties. Even though our new name drawing with my extended family left me with a more simplified shopping list. It was filled to the bring with physical and spiritual preparations for Christ's coming.

This year was our first Christmas without my sweet grandma. I missed our normal quiet Saturday afternoon of dipping buckeyes and coating nut logs with powdered sugar. I missed her final nod of approval after a taste of each recipe. I missed the quiet moments I would have spent sitting beside her recliner. 

But I know she loved all the women gathering in the kitchen to carry on her traditional Christmas candy making. I know she was happy to see her children all gathered together on Christmas Day. She so wanted everyone to keep getting together.

Christmas brought much needed down time. I cuddled my niece and nephew and caught up with my baby sister. J and I organized a group of her friends for a last-minute day in the city. It was so fun to watch the girls ice skate and enjoy their first experience with  fondu. We hosted play dates. I snuck off to the theatre with a mommy friend. We rang in the new year with a bottle of sparkling grape juice. We shared dinner with friends. We got snowed into our little blue house by nearly a foot of snow.

In the middle of all of this life, I find myself ready and anxious to see what God has in store for my little family. We have been blessed with exactly what we needed: a truly peaceful Christmas. Amos and I are more open than ever to God's plan for us. We want the coming months to be filled with lots of "Yes, Lord." and "Here I am, Lord." and "Your will, not our own." We know that a life lived for Christ is where true happiness is found, and we're giving that life our very best (and very flawed) effort. 

In foster adoption news, we are still waiting to learn more about the cute little 7-year-old that we inquired about in early December. We finally received contact from his case worker. Now, at the suggestion of our adoption worker, we are waiting to get his long profile (the one with the real story) before we officially submit our home study. 

Our licensing worker will visit later this week for her quarterly home visit. I couldn't believe it had been three months since we last sat at the dining room table with her. We've had no calls for respite or emergency care. And while I'm feeling excited about helping, I'm keeping in mind that no news is good news when waiting for the foster care call. We are very excited to help but also happy not to be needed. 

Empty Nest.. ish.

It feels CRAZY to have three kids in school. I might be sad about not being needed if I weren't so busy soaking up the silence and the luxury of cleaning my house alone. Days like these may very well be fleeting after all! 

Silly Miriam was such a trooper for the first day. She did a pretty great job of staying happy during the morning routine and was happy to pose with her Kindergarten sign before we left for school.

Miriam was sweet and excited to see her teacher when we got to her classroom, but I saw a hint of nerves under her smile. I stayed outside the room for a moment and watched her look around, take a breath, and join the other girls in their morning play time. She takes life in stride and at her own pace, and I love her for it.

Miriam and J are growing so much closer lately. It makes me happy to see J take her little sister under her wing! It's as if she turned thirteen and became this responsible young lady instead of the kid she was the day before. 

This is J's last year in middle school. I remember her first day in the building. I watched the 8th graders walk through the doors and had a little freak out moment thinking that my little girl was going to look like them in two years. And here we are. She walked through those red double doors one of the tall ones, one of the poised and confident ones. 

And then there's Noah, the goofy, determined kid who drove me crazy all summer. His hair was still wet when he buckled into the car, but his belly was full and his teeth were brushed. He walked into school with us, reciting directions to his classroom under his breath. We said goodbye by the main doors, and Noah walked off down the hallway away from the early elementary wing of the school without looking back.

These kids are my life. My love. My JOY. They might need me to be there fewer hours each day now, but they need me as much as ever. Maybe more. Now is when the parenting gets tricky. Growing up is serious business. It takes time, energy, and discipline to stay involved in my kids' lives once you're not afraid that they'll touch a hot burner or choke on their dinner. Now I have to fight the temptation to let them live alongside me instead of experiencing life with them. I struggle with that sometimes.

But right now, while we are still a five-some, I want to enjoy the simplicity and ease of living life with school-aged children. We can go more and play more. We can pack light and be spontaneous. After all, we still fit into a single hotel room. That's something worth celebrating!

Crunch Time: Prayers Needed in the Coming Days

The summer has, once again, slipped through my fingers. It's back to school soon. Miriam's first year in elementary school. J's last year in middle school. My first year with all three kids in school all day. I keep getting questioned,

"What are you going to do now that they're all in school?" 

Honestly, I'm uncomfortable with this question. I wish I wasn't. I want my days to be cleaning, cooking, volunteering, to be excited to get the kids home to an after-school snack and debriefing, with enough energy left to be a wife when Amos gets home. That's what I'm called to do. But the "excuse" to stay home runs out when your kids hit Kindergarten. 

My usual answer to the big questions is "I'm going to spend the first semester helping in the kids' classrooms,  enjoying a house that stays clean and laundry that is caught up." I add that I might substitute come second semester if I have too much time on my hands. I guess that is the plan. For now. But once we finish classes next week and find out for certain that we are licensed to adopt, my answer will change a bit. Instead of talking about substituting, I'll be sharing with everyone that we're waiting for our newest child(ren).

I'm giddy excited. And paralyzed with fear. 

To this point, our path has been very private. We've shared our story with my family and our closest friends (and of course the entire blog community!), but only word of mouth has taken the news any further. I've mentioned before that we're in the midst of a two-way interview. We haven't been offered the job, and we haven't had a chance to accept the position. Yet. 

It's crunch time. We're six days away from finishing our licensing class. Then it's time to make some very complicated decisions. 

Will we adopt? Will we foster? Both? What type of fostering will we be open to? What works for our family? Where is God leading us? 

I am desperately reaching to God. Relying on Him. Praying, praying that we are able to follow His lead.

What I want to ask of you is this:

Will you pray for us in the coming days? 

My God, our God, is wildly amazing. The way he loves me takes my breath away. I am so undeserving of his grace and mercy! We are blessed beyond words to be walking beside him, to be an instrument of his peace.

Amos and I need wisdom. We need time to be silent and listen to God. We need to walk by faith which takes courage. We need courage. We need to trust God with our family, trust that he is present and working in the hearts of all of our children, those already under our roof and those who are not yet with us. We are so appreciative of any and all prayers and petitions that you are so kind to offer on our behalf! 

Seventh STARS Class and Foster Parenting Tidbits

I'm still processing my thoughts on our discipline lass from two weeks ago, but last night's STARS class was about permanency and the importance of lifetime relationships for all children.

Thoughts that I loved from this class:

1) If you adopt a child outside your culture/race, think of your family as a multicultural unit, not a family who is learning about the new kids' culture and background.

2) When you adopt, you are permanently tying your family to another (the child's birth family), even if you never see or speak to them again.

3) You absolutely MUST be at peace with your child loving and missing their biological family, even after adoption. Perhaps especially after adoption. It's best if you can find a way to celebrate and remember the bio family much like you would a relative who has passed away.

4) It is the goal of Children's Division to have a child in a permanent family within two years of entering the foster system.

The class discussion veered off course a bit and ended up highlighting a few interesting facts that I didn't know about foster parenting. Of course, all policies vary from state to state and can change.

1) It tuns out that you have to be specially licensed to care for kiddos with more severe behavioral/emotional issues. Because we won't be being licensed those areas, we most likely won't be risking exposing our children to extreme behavioral/emotional issues.

2) Anyone can be approved as Respite Care Providers, and that doesn't put them on some list that would make them available to any foster parent's request. What that means is that we can continue to use our normal alternative child care options (largely my parents) for all of our children while we wait for the adoption to be finalized. The adults in the house just need to get fingerprinted and have a quick walk-through done of their house.

3) There are several "types" of foster parents. Some are signed up to be strictly emergency care providers and would only be offering temporary short term care. Emergency care might include a situation where a non-offending parent lived far away and couldn't come to pick up the child for a day or two. It could also happen that a grandparent or another relative was able and willing to take the child but had to have a background check and home walk-through completed.

4) A foster parent can make decisions about a foster child's prescription medications, routine medical care, and education, but foster parents CANNOT cut the child's hair without permission from the biological parent. I love this one. It makes me smile. A birth parent can also decide whether his/her child leaves the state with a foster family. If a biological parent really wanted to be the one to experience the beach with their child, she has the right to request that the child stay behind. I'd never thought about vacationing with foster kids from the biological parents' viewpoint, but it has to be SO HARD to watch your kid go on a fabulous trip with another family. Guilt, insecurity, loss, fear... not fun.

A Photo List of Smiles

It's been a stressful week or two, but we've had lots of reasons to SMILE too! 

J came home for the day, and we got to take a road trip so that she could meet her newest cousin. It was SO good to get a little mother-daughter time in with her!

Watching J open her package full of Octocat stickers... oh priceless! Amos mentioned to a guy from the company, GitHub, that she loved their mascot, And he sent her a giant pile of Octocats dressed in all kinds of silliness!

It's the little things, like latte art... 

Miriam performed in her second recital. And so did Amos! 

Little ballerinas always make me smile!

My parents added a sidewalk. J and Noah enjoyed watching concrete be poured. All three kids got to add their hand prints. J got to come home for Grandma's funeral. It made everyone in my family happy to have her home for the night, and she was thrilled to see her out-of-state uncle and aunt too. 

I acquired a TEENAGER!

The little ones went on their first train ride last weekend. It was a lot of fun for them, and fun for me to watch them enjoy the experience- especially walking to the cafe car. Moving between cars was the highlight of their trip! 

And at our destination, we got to go to the zoo and see a really entertaining polar bear who did back flips off the glass wall of his swimming pool, a tiger who was pouncing on the netting of his cage, and for the first time, kangaroos.

.

Foster System Lesson #3 and A Home Study Meeting

I woke up to the sounds of Noah and Miriam bickering over seating arrangements for morning TV time. I knew better than to think the day would be peaceful. All I wanted to do was go back to sleep, to take a day for myself to process my feelings about having lost my grandma. But there was breakfast to serve. A dozen rooms to tidy. Questionnaires to complete. A yard to mow. Reality wouldn't wait, so my feet found the ground. My hands poured cereal and milk, and my mind set itself on deep cleaning and organizing.

By noon I was wondering how we'd ever be ready for our home study meeting. We had 24 hours left to prepare and 48 or more hours of preparation left to accomplish. I wasn't handling the stress anymore. I felt feverish, overwhelmed, and as if all motivation was gone. My sweet husband sent me to nap and took the kids to town for lunch. I thought about my grandma and cried myself to sleep in my silent house.

I could have slept until Friday. Instead, I awoke two hours later in much the same mood but feeling physically strengthened. And I moved on to work on our bedroom. In that moment, sitting on my floor in a pile of storage to be sorted, not a single part of me cared about the outcome of our meeting. By now, the kids had been through ten days of constant activities and were also sad about grandma. No one was getting along, and Amos and I were both scraping the bottom of our patience reserves. I wanted to cancel the meeting altogether, even if that meant abandoning our entire adoption plan. I voiced these thoughts as I continued moving through the motions of organizing, cleaning, and typing answers. At 2 AM, I typed the final period of the final answer to the final question. The to-do list wasn't finished, but I was.

I read recently that stress is one of the enemy's greatest weapons, and last Thursday he used it well. It was truly only by Jesus' hand that I managed to limp through the day, and only by the grace of God that I awoke Friday morning feeling rested and content with my cluttered house.

When Ms. S arrived and I realized that she really did expect all of our paperwork to be completed, I felt content working through the last of it as she read through our questionnaires. I didn't offer excuses for the unfinished paperwork or clutter left around the house, probably because she didn't seem at all concerned with it. She seemed less than concerned with a bedroom that still waited for a door to be installed or with the medicines that had yet to be secured under lock and key. She didn't seem worried about the household chemicals that were stored at ground level and didn't even seem to notice that our island counter was sitting unsecured on the cabinets below. I expected a dozen things to be on our fix-it list when she left, but it was simply: 1) email a reference's address and 2) post our fire escape plan. I asked her if she had any other items that we would need to complete to be licensed, but there were none. She'll visit once more where she'll look at "anything changed that we want to show her" and finalize paperwork. It should take about 15 minutes.

My most recent foster system lesson: #3 is

Don't stress over your home study! 

A home study feels like the be all and end all of foster licensing. In reality, it is only a part of what is necessary for licensing. Our social worker and her supervisor (who teaches our class) will also have a say in the decision. I'm wondering, now, if their opinions will matter more than the home study. We were told on the first night of class that the entire nine weeks would be like a very long interview. At the time, I thought it was a metaphor, but I'm learning how true that really is. The social workers observe us from the first contact we make. They see what our priorities are, how organized we are, how respectful, cooperative, and willing. It is the social workers who get to know us. The home study is simply a double check of what the social worker has already seen, a verification that there isn't a red flag that may have been missed.

Amos and I were far more concerned with the condition of our home than Children's Division was. I think that is probably the case with most responsible families.

PREPARATION

Walking into foster care adoption is a scary thing for me. I feel stress when we're in transition, be it a job transition, a move, or a major milestone (our youngest starting kindergarten in a few weeks, for example). With my distaste for transitions and the unknown, it surprises me that I welcome changes in our life. When I know life is about to change, I am excited, but I just want to make a decision and get on with life. I struggle with waiting for God's perfect timing, and it's even more difficult to make use of the transition time. I'm just now learning that the transition time isn't so that we won't feel the change. It's so that we'll be ready for it. It's not a time for transition at all. It's a time for preparation!

God let the Israelites wander the dessert for ages- 

FORTY YEARS before they were permitted to cross the Jordan River. 

They weren't ready.

In the same way, I know that God won't ask us to enter into something that we're not ready for. I also know that we won't be able to do His will unless we allow ourselves to be molded and armed for the work ahead. With this in mind, I've been trying to give more time to God and less to the world. Because I DO want to walk the path he has planned for my family. I WANT to be ready, and I want my husband and children to be ready.

I'm trusting God's plan and timing. I'm trusting that He knows what armor my family will need for the road ahead and that he'll equip us if we are obedient and faithful. 

Today is not about transitioning after all. 

Today is about PREPARING. Not just preparing, though. 

Today is about allowing God to PREPARE me. 

Foster System Lesson #2, Bundles of Joy, and Bio Parents

What a whirlwind of a week this one has been! God is ever present, even in the midst of the endless driving, the to-do lists, and the appointments. How blessed I am! 

Before I share about last weeks' class, I have to tell you about the beautiful way that God orchestrated the timing of my sweet new nephew's arrival! During our Tuesday foster licensing classes, my parents have agreed to keep our kids, and we all knew it was possible that I'd have to call in last-minute reinforcements when my sister went into labor with her baby #2. 

On Monday night, I got a text. "If I had to bet, I'd bet tonight is the night." Man, what a sad thought it was for me to have to miss being there to hang out with my niece while her little brother made his arrival... and have to wait to cuddle him! I wasn't happy to have to choose my class over helping my sister. I texted back. "Keep me posted! And tell your son that he'll be my favorite nephew if he waits until tomorrow night!" Contractions disappeared overnight, and on Tuesday afternoon, my sister reported that there was no activity that warranted a back-up sitter for the evening.

In class that night, I kept my phone silenced but close just in case my parents would get called to KC. At 8:55, my brother-in-law's number showed up on my screen. Ten minutes later, we were finished with class and on our way to get our kids home. I tucked them into bed, threw a few items into an overnight bag, hopped into the car with my parents for the four hour drive to my sister's home. I arrived at her house before my niece awoke and spent the day playing and bonding with my niece while my parents and hers were at the hospital. I got to snuggle my brand-new favorite nephew and spend a few precious moments with my sister before I came back home. Everything worked like clockwork, and it was another little affirmation that God is clearing this path as we walk.

Now. About our class. On my papers from last week, I wrote, 

"ASK TOO MANY QUESTIONS!" 

This is my lesson #2. In dealings with the foster system, ask questions. Annoy your social workers, the bio parents, your fellow foster/adoptive parents. Ask the dumb questions and the unimportant ones. Ask questions about the process, the paperwork, the kids. Ask TONS of questions about the kids. Write them down. Write down the answers. Ask questions in person, through email, or over the phone. Don't be afraid! Information is power, and you'll have to gather it from many people. It's better to ask too many questions than not enough! 

During our first meeting and walk-through with our social worker, I had a list of something like seven questions I wanted to ask. I only asked two of them. I wanted to ask for her opinion on family counseling through the adoption process, but I didn't. I haven't. In the back of my mind, I was afraid she would think it was unnecessary or that using a counselor would mean something negative, like we couldn't help our own children navigate stresses in their lives. These were silly little fears that kept me from asking. 

In class last week, our licensing officer asked us a question. "If you were unable to take care of your kids, what kind of person would you want to care for them?" This question, one that I've thought about quite a bit, was an easy one for me to answer. I would want someone who is the most like me- in values, personality, and faith. The point was made that bio parents of foster kids are like every parent. They want their children to be cared for by someone who is going to communicate to them about their kid, someone who will provide a loving and supportive atmosphere and who will support the kids' cultural identity. 

Matching adoptive families to waiting children is a tricky task. The more cultural similarities there are, the easier it will be, in theory, to bond and transition. The less similar our child/children's background is to our own, the more time and attention will need to be paid to celebrating two cultures. 

Amos would LOVE to adopt a deaf child. In fact, he has mentioned it so many times that I'm beginning to wonder if it's not a hunch but a little heads up from God. Amos and J have been learning to sign for over a year, long before this journey officially began. Now, the whole family is learning to sign. Should we end up with a deaf child in our family, it will mean a commitment to his/her culture. We will be doing our best to connect him/her to the deaf community and immerse ourselves in the culture as well. Should we end up with a child from another cultural background, at least we'll be able to talk to each other across a room without shouting! 

Much of last week was spent learning about the biological parents' role in foster care and the relationship that foster parents have with bio parents. Ideally, foster parents are committing to the bio parent as well as the foster child. When the goal is reunification, a foster parent can become a mentor to the bio parents, teaching them child care, parenting. and life skills. It truly is a beautiful calling, one that I would love to have. I left last week's class praying for a bio mom that I know whose kiddos are in foster care right now-- and I left more sure than ever that we will be adopt-only parents for now. 

Telling the LITTLES

Our kids have known for years that we would adopt if God wanted it for our family. Noah in particular has asked over and over that we adopt. He desperately wants a brother and he knows that pregnancy does not guarantee another boy in the house!  He didn't seem to understand that adoption, for us at least, didn't guarantee a boy either. We don't know what or who God has planned for our family, and while we're more confident each day that we will adopt at some point, we are not sure that that time will come in the next year. We definitely pray over the desires of our kids and know that God can speak to us through them as he can anyone, but we're learning quickly that adoption, any adoption, is a messy business. It is so important to us that our children to have reasonable expectations as we walk through this process.

Telling J was tricky, and it took a lot longer than I expected, but when J, Amos and I told the littles, it was JUST FUN!

Noah immediately started dreaming of bunk beds and super hero sidekicks. He wanted a boy. No, two. No, THREE! They would all love Star Wars, Legos, and Science, and they would all get along just like his BFF's at school.

Miriam squealed and declared that she wanted twin baby girls. She would share her room with them, but she wouldn't change their diapers. At night, when they pooped, she would come and wake me up.

A sibling group of TWELVE!
Another Noah!
A 12-year-old, 7-year-old, and 5-year old with matching genders.

The main thing that we impressed upon the two of them was that Mom and Dad were going to classes to LEARN about this type of adoption. 

We couldn't be certain that we'd adopt at the end of the class. 

Although it was exciting and fun to think about, there would be sacrifices along the way, and there would be some days that were no fun at all.

Did they have any questions?
Three hands in the air.

Can we name them?

How long will it take?

What if we don't like them? 

Can we send them back?

Can we please NOT adopt 12 kids?

What if we just get more girls?

Telling the TWEEN

This book I'm reading- Successful Foster Care Adoption- includes a list of heavy questions to ponder and take into consideration when getting into foster care adoption. Some of those questions I had already answered, but others I found worth exploring again.

If you are already a parent, have you presented your intention to adopt to your children?

Telling the TWEEN

Amos and I decided to tell Miss J alone first. At twelve years old, she's aware of the impact of adding to our family (through pregnancy OR adoption) and, quite frankly, had been less than thrilled with the idea of adopting most of the time. On a car ride, Amos and I told her that God was leading us to take classes to license us to adopt. She mostly nodded and listened as we explained the process of becoming licensed to adopt and that it wasn't guaranteed that we would adopt when it was over. 

That evening, I must have asked my sweet 12-year-old a dozen times how she felt. 

Tweens have A LOT of emotions!! 

J first felt like she didn't have a say in our family's future, and she was worried about the classes and meetings occurring when she was away with her dad for the summer. She didn't want to miss anything or feel left out. My heart hurt for her. I hadn't even thought about that aspect of the timing! I assured her that there wouldn't be much to see and that we'd keep her up to speed with everything that we could. 

She wasn't crazy about having more little siblings who get into her stuff, yell or cry and generally get in the way of her life.

She hated the idea of sharing her room.

Amos and I talked a lot about the reasons we felt God leading us to foster care adoption, and we visited about the sweet kids who needed a home like ours. I sat down with J and looked through Missouri's Heart Gallery, talking about each child. I think reading the profiles, some with interests much like hers, helped J to begin to understand that every kid deserves a safe home and unconditional love. 

I ask J nearly daily what she's thinking and how she's feeling about everything, and I will continue to ask.

I do my best to keep her informed of any new developments, and I try to have the fun "I wonder what child God has in store..." conversations as well. 

My goal with J is to keep the communication open and offer her a safe, no-judgement place to land with her thoughts. 

Meeting that goal will require lots of prayer, attention, sharing, and opportunities to have uninterrupted conversations. For us, those opportunities come in the form of movie nights, manicure appointments, Daddy-Daughter dates, teaming up on housework and visits on the bedroom floor after the littles go to sleep. My sweet girl has already made huge leaps forward, and I CANNOT wait to see more of the work that God is doing in her heart! 

Read Part 2: Telling the LITTLES

Doubt

Today was the first rough parenting day I've had since we committed to our STARS classes. 

I set myself up for it, I admit. The kids had been without screens for a week, so I thought they would be content to watch a movie while I absorbed myself with research in the next room. What I didn't factor in were the three late nights in a row that the kids had, the early morning that Noah had in spite of the string of late nights, and the fact that Miriam was woken up instead of waking up naturally. 

She tried on his hat. Chaos ensued. Miriam was a simple fix. A minute in my room to brainstorm better ways to have handled the disagreement. Noah, on the other hand, was just a mess. Two hours later, we finished our power struggle, and he eventually laid down for the nap that I required before he could go to VBS again tonight. He woke up as my sweet, clever kid, praise God! 

In the midst of our chaos this morning, I found myself on my knees crying and asking God how in the world I was going to function with more of this. I wanted to throw in the towel, forget God's gentle nudges that I've so clearly been feeling and just go back to a predicable life where the occasional meltdown is the worst of it. Sometimes my Noah pushes me to the edge of my self control, and today I worried that another, higher maintenance kid might push me past that point. Doubt seeped into my faith and left a pit in my stomach for the large part of the afternoon. 

No matter what path we're walking, God doesn't make us go it alone! He restores my strength when it is weakened and gives me assurance when I need it the most. Tonight, for the first time, I watched Miss J get excited about sharing her room. This is huge for her as the potential of "her" space being lost has been her biggest complaint along the way. Tonight, she talked about having her little sister as a roommate with a smiling face and happy heart. The resentfulness and entitlement that I had watched and prayed about for months, years even, was gone, my doubt along with it. And I am at peace. 

Foster System Lesson #1 and First Licensing Class

Oh, the paperwork! The reading! The forms to fill out and submit! I think this might be the reason for the lack of written information on the topic of foster care adoption. Everyone is too busy reading the giant book from Child Services, and there is no time left for outside literature! I'm kidding of course, but what I am finding is that we are getting numerous forms to fill out, mentions of other forms to come, to-do's (like fingerprinting and physicals), and lots of reading and homework. All of this paperwork is assigned without a nice tidy check list to keep track of your tasks or even time to do much more than scrawl an abbreviated note onto a post-it. I like checklists. And organization. I'm learning that I'm on my own for that. Child Services is organized, but they have left it up to us to organize ourselves. That's not a bad thing. Honestly, if I can't keep up with a mound of paperwork, assigned tasks, and homework, how would I ever keep up with a child who needs special attention and likely appointments and paperwork of his/her own?

SO, Lesson #1 is to keep up with paperwork. I mean, fill it out the second it enters your hand, read it that very evening, make the appointment as soon as you have enough information to do so, and hand everything in to your social worker ASAP. 

Stay ahead or fall so far behind that you'll never catch up! 

We attended our first licensing class last night. It's STARS here in Missouri. There are 15 couples and 2 singles on our "team," plus the licensing officer and our "master foster parent". I LOVE that there is a seasoned foster parent leading the class, one that has adopted and also had many kids in his home as traditional foster children with the goal of reunification. I loved the diverse backgrounds and cultures that were represented. There were couples in the military, couples from Asia and Puerto Rico, those who had several kids, who were unable to conceive, who were empty nesters. There were accents and a variety of races. There were married and singles. It was really beautiful to see a universal love and compassion for hurting kids among such diversity.  

The class wasn't exciting, but it didn't seem like it was three hours long either. After introductions, we were given a broad overview of the foster system in a question-answer format. And there was a video highlighting the lives of two foster kids. 

What was impressed upon us was the purpose of this licensing process. It is essentially a huge, three month interview between Amos and I and Child Services. They are interviewing us to see if we are a safe place for their children, and we are interviewing them to decide if their children are a good fit for our family. The outcome can be one of four:

1- We and Child Services think that working with foster kids is a good fit for us. 

2- Neither we nor Child Services think that working with foster kids is a good fit for us.

3- They think we'd be great, but we don't think it's a good fit for our family.

4- We think we'd be great, but Child Services doesn't. 

Only options 1 ends in licensing. Option 4 is everyone's fear. Rejections is always a possibility in foster care. Child Services may reject us or foster children may reject us. REJECTION. 

A sweet and Godly cousin of mine told me recently that 

Rejection is God's Protection.

Listening for God, praying our way through and doing our best is all we can do. After that, we are placing our trust in Him, trusting that he will always protect us from harm and knowing that it will never be easy to follow the his will.