Diamonds... The Pressure is Worth It!

A few months ago, when our honeymoon phase was just ending, I sat in church and listened to our priest speak about diamonds. Incredible pressure and intense heat is required to turn a dark lump of coal into a precious, radiant gem. I remember sitting in my pew with Amos and our five kids, wiping away a few tears that I just couldn't hold back, praying that God would, indeed, make something beautiful and precious from the pressure that we were feeling.

For a while, the pressure increased, and sometimes I thought it might crush us. 

We stayed the course in spite of our terror, 

our doubt,

my weak desire for our former, simple life. 

We stayed the course. 

We endured the pressure. 

We clung to our hope for diamonds. 

God is faithful, and he answered our prayers in a BIG WAY! 

Suddenly, I saw our precious. Our rare, beautiful, treasure. I kid you not, within a week, our misery subsided, and I found my family in this incredibly peaceful place. 

Don't get me wrong, life with our five very individual kids will likely always keep us on our toes, but the kids are seriously AMAZING these days. Our younger three play beautifully together nearly all the time. Mr. J has had a complete turn around. He is helpful, polite, a hard worker, and his attitude is awesome.

Our family is feeling like a real forever family. 

I'm thinking and planning ways that the seven of us will serve our Lord together. I am starting to look forward to fostering again. I can hardly believe that our life felt like hell just a month ago. That's God, folks! 

I'm finding myself looking forward to finalizing our adoption. We will sit down next week to review and sign adoption subsidy paperwork. We are preparing the kids for last name changes and considering the addition of new middle names. Adoption will likely happen in early March. In less than two months, we'll be legal, official parents of Mr. J and Miss A. No more double checking Instagram posts to be sure that I'm not posting their sweet faces. No more asking permission for travel, no more fumbling though my answer when doctors ask what my relationship is to them. I won't have to explain that I'm both foster and adoptive mom. 

I'll JUST BE MOM. 

What a Year of YES Looks Like

Last year, Amos and I started out incredibly excited to fully embrace the 2014 that God had planned for us. We wanted to say YES to God, be completely open to what His plan was in our life. 

What lofty, romantic notions New Year's Day brings! Looking back, I really feel like we did what we set out to do. We prayerfully said yes to God any time that we felt He was asking of us. 

But I certainly did my fair share of kicking and screaming along the way. I'm pretty good at that. I want God's plan, but I want it on my terms, with warm fuzzies, security, and support from everyone around us. Oh, and I really don't want to give anything up along the way! 

God blessed us abundantly in 2014. 

We opened our home to many of Jesus' sweet children. Some came for the night and stayed for days... and we thought they may stay for a while longer. I miss these boys so much. They were a respite turned emergency placement, and what work God did in my heart while they were with us. He taught me that I could love children as my own. And he afforded me the experience of seeing with my own eyes that imperfect family is so much better for us than anything else. I said goodbye to these two knowing more than ever that I wanted ALL our kids to return home. 

We started to learn about the system from the inside and our hearts grew space to love biological families. We saw the difficulty they have in finding and keeping their voices in the overwhelmingness of the system. And we did our best to bring the good that we saw in them to the attention of workers. 

God blessed us with plenty of time as a five-some along the way too. We had fun. We adventured. We bickered. We loved. And all the while, I soaked up every last moment of the simplicity.

And then, Oh MAN, did our life turn upside-down! We had no sooner officially opened our home to emergency placements than got a call at 7PM on a Thursday night listing a string of siblings' ages and genders. Seven in all. We were able to accept two of them. We saw our first court hearing with these two curly heads on our laps. We knew early on that these two had no business being in the system. We loved their parents and wanted nothing more than to take our girls home to their parents. But we work with a caution system, a fact that I appreciate. And so we waited, and advocated, and continued to do our best to keep the parents involved. We invited them to WIC appointments, doctor appointments, and had just invited them to share Easter with us. 

And then came the team meeting. The meeting that I prayed and prayed that God would do something BIG with. The meeting that we walked into hoping that they would extend visits and ended up getting to take our girls home to their parents. That was my most favorite day of foster care so far. I still get updates from their mom occasionally and send her little notes of hello once in a while. As much as I would love to see the girls, I believe it's best for everyone for their ties to be cut clean.

This year, we were able to foster the talents of our kids. We did our share of nerdiness. We danced. We sang. We sent the kids to camps.

We said yes to homeschooling for a few weeks and loved it. 

We watched as Noah grew in his faith maturity and received the Eucharist for the first time.  

And we played some more. We had expected and planned for our beach trip to include our foster girls, so it was extra special to revel in the simplicity of beach life. I think I could live there on that beach, but it's really the simplicity that draws me back over and over. I am so thankful for the days of carefree fun.

We came home and almost immediately got our first baby girl for a three day respite. It was a blast to have her smiley face around. She was sweet, happy, and such an easy baby to care for. The kids loved entertaining her so much that they never realized she was entertaining them too!

We day tripped as a five-some for the last time. 

We accepted another respite care for ten days. These two girls were our first school-aged kids. They were so much fun to entertain! We swam, tie-dyed, visited children's museums, watched movies, blew bubbles, and did the summer classics.

We grew close to great friends who have supported us in this crazy life of ours, whom we love dearly, and whom I will always be thankful for.

God brought Miriam the perfect school for her. I am forever humbled by his amazing directions. She is thriving scholastically, behaviorally, and in her faith. 

And FINALLY. God brought our babies home. This picture makes me smile and cry. It is the epitome of life now. We are all running to find shelter from the pouring rain, but we are all in it together. 

I read this on Tiffany's blog this morning, and I was moved by it.

"Perhaps you have not yet handed Him the pen, and I want to encourage you to give it a try. Or perhaps you have, but you are inside the middle, and it is hard and lonely and painful, and it feels like it must be the end. But friend, it's not the end. He is still writing your story. He hasn't left you and closed the manuscript. The pen is still hovered over you, and He is still writing. The hard times, the moments when God is silent, the painful pages that seem to suck the life from you, they all have a purpose in your story... Be patient, wait with hope and expectation, because God writes the best stories. Trust the Author of your story. What He is writing is better than you can ever imagine. ~~A Moment Cherished

We are most definitely in the middle. And it is certainly hard and lonely and painful. Last year, I started the year with the word YES in the front of my mind. This year, I want to keep saying yes, but I want to be at peace with the middle. I want to WAIT PATIENTLY. I want to HOPE. I want to EXPECT the beauty that God has in store for us!

Happy New Year Friends! May your year also be filled with Hopeful Expectation!

Giving Credit where Credit is Due

This morning after family therapy, as I was following up with our counselor, he mentioned to me that I had an incredible ability to keep my composure as a parent. I've had enough training to know that was the start of an Oreo Cookie, and sure enough that compliment wafer was followed up by the creme filling- the concern that I internalize my feelings. I smiled and assured him that I has several women with whom I could be candid as well as a couple fantastic Facebook support groups that have been phenomenal resources. I reminded him that I was blessed with empty school days to take care of myself and be ready to tackle parenting each afternoon. I don't view family therapy as a forum to pour out my own emotions. I'm still a parent there, and my job is still to be a confident leader of my family. 

This week, our counselor witnessed my reaction to fear. I wasn't pretty. I was barely able to hold myself together in front of the kids. I had a lot of "what if's" floating though my head. Seeing a fist mark on the side of a kid's face will do that to a person. I lost my faith for a moment. That day I struggled with my own knee jerk reaction to protect all my children, and I was very afraid we would be unable to do that. It was my rock bottom, and we called in help to navigate the situation. Calling help when you're in The System is unnerving! After all, these people have the authority to dismantle our family. The week snowballed  in reaction to my emotions, and before we knew it, we were sitting in an informational meeting about intensive services that felt much more like an investigation. My whole week was completely consumed with talking to Children's Division, and as the hours and days wore on, I became more and more frustrated and felt less in control of my family, as if CD was making all my choices for me. I felt an incredible need to set boundaries between us an them, and at the end of it all, I think we did a decent job of standing up for our rights and for our family.

As an adult, I've always been comfortable to be at peace within my crazy. It is truly the most freeing for me to remember that life will always come with trials, and that God is going to keep carrying me through them. I wish that had been my response to the therapist's concern this morning. I tend to think talking about my faith in a clinical setting won't cut it... as if God won't be deemed a good enough outlet for my stress. But there is no way we could be walking through this darkness without the light of Christ. He has carried Amos and I through this maze of parenting experiments, protected the hearts of our bios, and has done wonders in healing our new additions. 

In therapy, Amos and I are commended for these accomplishments, but I know we have had little to do with it. All we've done is seek God's will in our life. I want to do a better job of giving credit to HIM.

Navigating Christian Parenting

28 'Come to me, all you who labour and are overburdened, and I will give you rest.

29 Shoulder my yoke and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

30 Yes, my yoke is easy and my burden light.'

Yesterday's gospel reading (Matthew 11: 25-30)... God's perfect timing once again. I sat listening to message of giving our sorrows and burdens to God... and taking up His yoke of LOVE and FORGIVENESS. 

Delivered with simplicity, the words have settled in my heart. I need to get better at remembering that burdens and labors are part of life, and that it's OK to be at peace while I work through them. My success at this ebbs and flows, perhaps because I've been trying share the burden with my God but haven't replaced its weight with the absolute beauty and feather-lightness of Jesus' love and mercy. 

When it comes to raising children, I struggle so intensely with what is looks like to give them grace and serve them in Jesus' image. Sometimes I wish Jesus been married with a brood of little ones. What I wouldn't give to have that concrete image of him correcting children. He loved and welcomed then, no doubt, and taught extensively about Christian family and parenting. In the midst of defiance, tantrums, or disobedience when our kids don't seem to be responding to love and mercy, I loose sight of all the lessons. I keep correcting with love as best I can, but sometimes I feel like a pushover and wonder if I should be yelling or punishing more harshly or if I'm at all cut out for the task of mothering. In the midst of all the struggle, I forget that marriage and family is my calling. I don't stop to pray in the middle of getting an eight year old to brush his teeth. I shake my head and wonder why in the world we're STILL struggling with this after eight years of teeth brushing, and I never think to offer it up in the moment. 

These children are not my own, they are God's, and I am to be an instrument of His love to them, just like our priest was a vessel for God's message yesterday. 

The Christian family is a community of faith, hope and charity. I need to get better at keeping that image in the front of my mind and demonstrating it to my children. 

When I can let go of the heavy, helplessness of our trials and channel Christ's love and forgiveness, parenting gets simpler, more joyful, and (go figure) more effective. God's good like that. 

After the closing song yesterday, I knelt with Miriam and prayed that God would provide the grace we need to take up Jesus' yoke of gentleness and humbleness of heart. 

Service

14
From today's Readings--- SO much of my desire to serve is put into words- 

What good is it, my brothers and sisters,

if someone says he has faith but does not have works? 

Can that faith save him?

If a brother or sister has nothing to wear

and has no food for the day,

and one of you says to them,

“Go in peace, keep warm, and eat well,”

but you do not give them the necessities of the body,

what good is it?

So also faith of itself,

if it does not have works, is dead.

James 2:14-17

Abandon

In the handful of days we just finished living, I watched my crazy and very flawed family of five come together in a way I never imagined. Every one of my children embraced our visiting boys as brothers, Amos and I worked together as a team, and our temporary family of seven was real in those brief moments.

My sweet J wasn't sure about this foster family bit a week ago, and now she can't wait for the next placement. She's talking about being a social worker. Noah took Big Brother under his wing and made sure he felt as comfortable as possible. Miriam grew up and assumed her responsibilities as a big sister with grace and humility. And everyone loved on Little Brother like he was their very own.  

Life was busy, but peacefully busy. 

By God's grace, I know in my heart that THIS is exactly where He meant for us to be in this moment. 

We were IN HIS WORK. It was scary, stressful, chaotic at times, but in ALL of that, there was more beauty than I've ever known. 

What God taught me in these days is that there is no truer happiness than in letting go, completely, of our plans and trusting in HIS. 

This life is about living for Christ with RECKLESS ABANDON. 

He knows my children; after all, they are HIS first and forever. He knows my marriage, my heart, and my loved ones. God's plan is a beautiful one, one that can lead everyone involved closer to Christ. I have no words to express how blessed we are to be fumbling through this life in search of HIS path. 

Catch Up

Quiet months in our home have given me peace about the possibility of huge changes in 2014.  We had a whirlwind Advent. It was more hectic than in years passed. More hectic even though I didn't have my usual girls' holiday trip. Even though I didn't help out with classroom Christmas parties. Even though our new name drawing with my extended family left me with a more simplified shopping list. It was filled to the bring with physical and spiritual preparations for Christ's coming.

This year was our first Christmas without my sweet grandma. I missed our normal quiet Saturday afternoon of dipping buckeyes and coating nut logs with powdered sugar. I missed her final nod of approval after a taste of each recipe. I missed the quiet moments I would have spent sitting beside her recliner. 

But I know she loved all the women gathering in the kitchen to carry on her traditional Christmas candy making. I know she was happy to see her children all gathered together on Christmas Day. She so wanted everyone to keep getting together.

Christmas brought much needed down time. I cuddled my niece and nephew and caught up with my baby sister. J and I organized a group of her friends for a last-minute day in the city. It was so fun to watch the girls ice skate and enjoy their first experience with  fondu. We hosted play dates. I snuck off to the theatre with a mommy friend. We rang in the new year with a bottle of sparkling grape juice. We shared dinner with friends. We got snowed into our little blue house by nearly a foot of snow.

In the middle of all of this life, I find myself ready and anxious to see what God has in store for my little family. We have been blessed with exactly what we needed: a truly peaceful Christmas. Amos and I are more open than ever to God's plan for us. We want the coming months to be filled with lots of "Yes, Lord." and "Here I am, Lord." and "Your will, not our own." We know that a life lived for Christ is where true happiness is found, and we're giving that life our very best (and very flawed) effort. 

In foster adoption news, we are still waiting to learn more about the cute little 7-year-old that we inquired about in early December. We finally received contact from his case worker. Now, at the suggestion of our adoption worker, we are waiting to get his long profile (the one with the real story) before we officially submit our home study. 

Our licensing worker will visit later this week for her quarterly home visit. I couldn't believe it had been three months since we last sat at the dining room table with her. We've had no calls for respite or emergency care. And while I'm feeling excited about helping, I'm keeping in mind that no news is good news when waiting for the foster care call. We are very excited to help but also happy not to be needed. 

Almost Official

Tomorrow our sweet licensing worker will visit, and when she leaves, we will be official foster parents. 

Honestly, I'm terrified. 

It's been a month since we signed our home study. A whole month of silence and very little evidence that we were teetering on the edge of a major life change. I'd like to say that it's been hard to wait, that we've been counting down the days with growing anxiousness.

I'd be lying. 

I have reveled in the silent mornings when the kids have left for school and I am left with my coffee and a peaceful view.

I appreciated every opportunity to sneak lunch dates with Amos. I noticed every instance where I felt stretched to my parenting limit. We went on outings, aware of the ease of being a family with three school-age kids.

Here's the truth. I'm still struggling with giving up the comfort and normalcy and routine. I'm struggling with giving it up AND with taking it away from my kids.

I haven't asked for a single update from our licensing worker. I haven't wondered what in the world could be taking the home study agency so long. People seem to think that I should be jumping out of my skin with anticipation, and I almost feel apathetic when I share about this waiting period.

But here's the thing.
God's got this.
He knows the plan.
I want His perfect timing.
We want to do His will.
The last thing I want to do is rush the preparations that God is making. 

Divine Appointments: Unplanned Foster Mom Meetups

This morning you would have found me at my favorite coffee joint with my favorite man and a bottomless mug of my favorite beverage. I planned my lesson for church. He brought home the bacon.

While we were soaking up the freedom from tending and shushing, the foster mom of last weekend's visitors came in for a caffeine fix. We talked foster care, and she asked if we'd want to have the kids back next month. Apparently the kids enjoyed their stay with us which makes me happy.

God plants us right where we need to be. Sets our appointments for us. Love it.

That's not the only appointment God made for me this month. It turns out that one of the newbie foster moms from our licensing class works at my orthodontist (Yep, I'm a new Invisalign patient- even have a spiffy t-shirt to broadcast it).

We swapped contact information at my diagnostic appointment, and we're getting our families together for a barbecue this weekend.

Running into another foster mom is amazing. We talk like we've known each other for ages, and that's huge for me- a gal who takes a bit to warm up. I'm so blessed that I've been able to have those impromptu support group meetings, been able to compare licensing procedures and gab about house preparations and talk about fostering with bio kids. We're walking the same walk, which means we know what questions to ask and what reassurance to offer. Basically, we're talking to ourselves and we're happy to listen.

PROVISIONS

THIS is sitting in my foyer right now. 

It is so strange to have a crib and no a baby growing inside me. Truthfully, seeing it sit there gives me a touch of baby fever. I need to store it away... and go cuddle my niece and nephew!

I mentioned my crib needs to my aunt and cousin who yard sale together nearly every weekend. They promised to keep an eye out, but my aunt said that she rarely saw the kind that would meet regulations. 

That was Friday. On Saturday morning, I got a call. They'd found a crib. $25. 

God is such an amazing provider!

In other news, We started our Spaulding adoption class last night. Lots of information- a few great tips that we hadn't considered before. And another open invitation to call with questions. One thing I can say about our division of child services is that they have a true open door policy. I so appreciate it! 

Our home study is a becoming more of a focus now. The home study is what a child's worker will use to narrow the interested families down to the ones they will meet and consider for the child(ren). It's the ONLY thing they will read to make that initial cut, so it's important that it accurately reflect our family. We'll be reviewing and finalizing it soon. I did wonder after class last night if it was possible to include a link to this blog. Has anyone else included a blog in their home study? 

The Missouri Heart Gallery is coming to my little town! It's going to be on display at our Fall Festival. I'm praying that lots of hearts are touched by the sweet faces of our waiting children. And who knows? We might connect with our child that day as well! 

Crunch Time: Prayers Needed in the Coming Days

The summer has, once again, slipped through my fingers. It's back to school soon. Miriam's first year in elementary school. J's last year in middle school. My first year with all three kids in school all day. I keep getting questioned,

"What are you going to do now that they're all in school?" 

Honestly, I'm uncomfortable with this question. I wish I wasn't. I want my days to be cleaning, cooking, volunteering, to be excited to get the kids home to an after-school snack and debriefing, with enough energy left to be a wife when Amos gets home. That's what I'm called to do. But the "excuse" to stay home runs out when your kids hit Kindergarten. 

My usual answer to the big questions is "I'm going to spend the first semester helping in the kids' classrooms,  enjoying a house that stays clean and laundry that is caught up." I add that I might substitute come second semester if I have too much time on my hands. I guess that is the plan. For now. But once we finish classes next week and find out for certain that we are licensed to adopt, my answer will change a bit. Instead of talking about substituting, I'll be sharing with everyone that we're waiting for our newest child(ren).

I'm giddy excited. And paralyzed with fear. 

To this point, our path has been very private. We've shared our story with my family and our closest friends (and of course the entire blog community!), but only word of mouth has taken the news any further. I've mentioned before that we're in the midst of a two-way interview. We haven't been offered the job, and we haven't had a chance to accept the position. Yet. 

It's crunch time. We're six days away from finishing our licensing class. Then it's time to make some very complicated decisions. 

Will we adopt? Will we foster? Both? What type of fostering will we be open to? What works for our family? Where is God leading us? 

I am desperately reaching to God. Relying on Him. Praying, praying that we are able to follow His lead.

What I want to ask of you is this:

Will you pray for us in the coming days? 

My God, our God, is wildly amazing. The way he loves me takes my breath away. I am so undeserving of his grace and mercy! We are blessed beyond words to be walking beside him, to be an instrument of his peace.

Amos and I need wisdom. We need time to be silent and listen to God. We need to walk by faith which takes courage. We need courage. We need to trust God with our family, trust that he is present and working in the hearts of all of our children, those already under our roof and those who are not yet with us. We are so appreciative of any and all prayers and petitions that you are so kind to offer on our behalf! 

The Big Stuff: Talking With My Kid About Death and Loss

There are a dozen things swirling in my mind tonight. 

We had a really great meeting with our social worker this morning and gained some great insight into foster adoption. 

My Sweet J comes home in just 21 hours. I can't express how excited we all are for her to be back under our roof! 

I've been working my tail off to create a structured bedtime routine- for myself and the kiddos- in preparation for the school year.

But what I'm thinking about most is my sweet Noah and how happy and sad I am to see him processing through losing his great-grandma. 

On Thursday, the kids and I were going with my mom to the cemetery to take wildflowers to Grandma's grave. When it came time to leave, Noah didn't want to go. He said simply, "No one else died. Why do I need to go?"  I had a feeling he was nervous about being there again, so we let him stay at work with Daddy...

...We made a run to the farm store this evening. We decided to grab pizza on the way home so dinner would not postpone our bedtime routine. While waiting for pizza, we let the kids walk on the walking path across the street. 

The plan: start from opposite ends of the path, high five when they met on the "road," and meet back at the car. 

Miriam walked about ten feet, then took off jogging in her little Old Navy flip flops. She tripped. Amos and I watched as her big brother hurried over, put his arm around her and helped her back to Mom and Dad. Her lip, knee, and hand were scraped and bleeding. There was a little crying, but the injuries were barely worth a band-aid.  Cuddles were given, pizza was purchased, and we were on our way home.

In the middle of teasing his little sister (or being scolded for it), poor Noah burst into sobbing tears, saying over and over that he was scared of dying. He didn't want to ever die.  It would be dark when he died. The five minutes we drove to get home seemed like twenty. Trying to talk Noah through his fear from the front seat of the car was less than ideal. 

I never would have guessed an event like would bring my son's grief to the surface.

When we got home, I snuggled my son on our couch until he stopped shuddering. I was glad to have the time to collect my thoughts. We have talked about Jesus, death, and Heaven many times, but this needed to be a whole different conversation. Noah and my grandma were thick as thieves. Any generous person with candy on hand is a person Noah loves, and Grandma loved Noah's silly nature and the way he'd grin and ask for "cookies for the road" when we visited. They spent lots of time visiting together. 

When you're seven and you have to bury someone so close to you, it brings up a lot of emotions and questions. 

Noah was mostly concerned with the feeling of death. He was afraid it would hurt. Scared he would die soon in his life. He couldn't imagine how he'd be able to see in Heaven without his eyes. Tough questions with no easy, logical answer. He was afraid he would be scared when he died.

We shared about our trust in God and how we know he'll be with us always and through everything. We talked about how blessed we are by Jesus' death and resurrection. How because of Him, it won't be dark after our time on Earth is over. And I told Noah Heaven is greater than anything our simple human minds can imagine. I was able to tell him how Grandma told me not so long ago that she wasn't scared of death. She'd lived a good life, and she knew where she was headed next. 

As sad as I was for Noah tonight, I was so blessed to be able to share such precious time with him! Talking to Noah about the tough stuff is when he and I connect the most. We talk honestly, share our hearts, and build trust in each other. I am so honored and thankful to be trusted with his heart it's the most difficult for him to share it.

PREPARATION

Walking into foster care adoption is a scary thing for me. I feel stress when we're in transition, be it a job transition, a move, or a major milestone (our youngest starting kindergarten in a few weeks, for example). With my distaste for transitions and the unknown, it surprises me that I welcome changes in our life. When I know life is about to change, I am excited, but I just want to make a decision and get on with life. I struggle with waiting for God's perfect timing, and it's even more difficult to make use of the transition time. I'm just now learning that the transition time isn't so that we won't feel the change. It's so that we'll be ready for it. It's not a time for transition at all. It's a time for preparation!

God let the Israelites wander the dessert for ages- 

FORTY YEARS before they were permitted to cross the Jordan River. 

They weren't ready.

In the same way, I know that God won't ask us to enter into something that we're not ready for. I also know that we won't be able to do His will unless we allow ourselves to be molded and armed for the work ahead. With this in mind, I've been trying to give more time to God and less to the world. Because I DO want to walk the path he has planned for my family. I WANT to be ready, and I want my husband and children to be ready.

I'm trusting God's plan and timing. I'm trusting that He knows what armor my family will need for the road ahead and that he'll equip us if we are obedient and faithful. 

Today is not about transitioning after all. 

Today is about PREPARING. Not just preparing, though. 

Today is about allowing God to PREPARE me. 

Foster System Lesson #2, Bundles of Joy, and Bio Parents

What a whirlwind of a week this one has been! God is ever present, even in the midst of the endless driving, the to-do lists, and the appointments. How blessed I am! 

Before I share about last weeks' class, I have to tell you about the beautiful way that God orchestrated the timing of my sweet new nephew's arrival! During our Tuesday foster licensing classes, my parents have agreed to keep our kids, and we all knew it was possible that I'd have to call in last-minute reinforcements when my sister went into labor with her baby #2. 

On Monday night, I got a text. "If I had to bet, I'd bet tonight is the night." Man, what a sad thought it was for me to have to miss being there to hang out with my niece while her little brother made his arrival... and have to wait to cuddle him! I wasn't happy to have to choose my class over helping my sister. I texted back. "Keep me posted! And tell your son that he'll be my favorite nephew if he waits until tomorrow night!" Contractions disappeared overnight, and on Tuesday afternoon, my sister reported that there was no activity that warranted a back-up sitter for the evening.

In class that night, I kept my phone silenced but close just in case my parents would get called to KC. At 8:55, my brother-in-law's number showed up on my screen. Ten minutes later, we were finished with class and on our way to get our kids home. I tucked them into bed, threw a few items into an overnight bag, hopped into the car with my parents for the four hour drive to my sister's home. I arrived at her house before my niece awoke and spent the day playing and bonding with my niece while my parents and hers were at the hospital. I got to snuggle my brand-new favorite nephew and spend a few precious moments with my sister before I came back home. Everything worked like clockwork, and it was another little affirmation that God is clearing this path as we walk.

Now. About our class. On my papers from last week, I wrote, 

"ASK TOO MANY QUESTIONS!" 

This is my lesson #2. In dealings with the foster system, ask questions. Annoy your social workers, the bio parents, your fellow foster/adoptive parents. Ask the dumb questions and the unimportant ones. Ask questions about the process, the paperwork, the kids. Ask TONS of questions about the kids. Write them down. Write down the answers. Ask questions in person, through email, or over the phone. Don't be afraid! Information is power, and you'll have to gather it from many people. It's better to ask too many questions than not enough! 

During our first meeting and walk-through with our social worker, I had a list of something like seven questions I wanted to ask. I only asked two of them. I wanted to ask for her opinion on family counseling through the adoption process, but I didn't. I haven't. In the back of my mind, I was afraid she would think it was unnecessary or that using a counselor would mean something negative, like we couldn't help our own children navigate stresses in their lives. These were silly little fears that kept me from asking. 

In class last week, our licensing officer asked us a question. "If you were unable to take care of your kids, what kind of person would you want to care for them?" This question, one that I've thought about quite a bit, was an easy one for me to answer. I would want someone who is the most like me- in values, personality, and faith. The point was made that bio parents of foster kids are like every parent. They want their children to be cared for by someone who is going to communicate to them about their kid, someone who will provide a loving and supportive atmosphere and who will support the kids' cultural identity. 

Matching adoptive families to waiting children is a tricky task. The more cultural similarities there are, the easier it will be, in theory, to bond and transition. The less similar our child/children's background is to our own, the more time and attention will need to be paid to celebrating two cultures. 

Amos would LOVE to adopt a deaf child. In fact, he has mentioned it so many times that I'm beginning to wonder if it's not a hunch but a little heads up from God. Amos and J have been learning to sign for over a year, long before this journey officially began. Now, the whole family is learning to sign. Should we end up with a deaf child in our family, it will mean a commitment to his/her culture. We will be doing our best to connect him/her to the deaf community and immerse ourselves in the culture as well. Should we end up with a child from another cultural background, at least we'll be able to talk to each other across a room without shouting! 

Much of last week was spent learning about the biological parents' role in foster care and the relationship that foster parents have with bio parents. Ideally, foster parents are committing to the bio parent as well as the foster child. When the goal is reunification, a foster parent can become a mentor to the bio parents, teaching them child care, parenting. and life skills. It truly is a beautiful calling, one that I would love to have. I left last week's class praying for a bio mom that I know whose kiddos are in foster care right now-- and I left more sure than ever that we will be adopt-only parents for now. 

Doubt

Today was the first rough parenting day I've had since we committed to our STARS classes. 

I set myself up for it, I admit. The kids had been without screens for a week, so I thought they would be content to watch a movie while I absorbed myself with research in the next room. What I didn't factor in were the three late nights in a row that the kids had, the early morning that Noah had in spite of the string of late nights, and the fact that Miriam was woken up instead of waking up naturally. 

She tried on his hat. Chaos ensued. Miriam was a simple fix. A minute in my room to brainstorm better ways to have handled the disagreement. Noah, on the other hand, was just a mess. Two hours later, we finished our power struggle, and he eventually laid down for the nap that I required before he could go to VBS again tonight. He woke up as my sweet, clever kid, praise God! 

In the midst of our chaos this morning, I found myself on my knees crying and asking God how in the world I was going to function with more of this. I wanted to throw in the towel, forget God's gentle nudges that I've so clearly been feeling and just go back to a predicable life where the occasional meltdown is the worst of it. Sometimes my Noah pushes me to the edge of my self control, and today I worried that another, higher maintenance kid might push me past that point. Doubt seeped into my faith and left a pit in my stomach for the large part of the afternoon. 

No matter what path we're walking, God doesn't make us go it alone! He restores my strength when it is weakened and gives me assurance when I need it the most. Tonight, for the first time, I watched Miss J get excited about sharing her room. This is huge for her as the potential of "her" space being lost has been her biggest complaint along the way. Tonight, she talked about having her little sister as a roommate with a smiling face and happy heart. The resentfulness and entitlement that I had watched and prayed about for months, years even, was gone, my doubt along with it. And I am at peace.