Letting Him Lead

Amos and I spend our nights apart regularly. He works two hours from home, and with local gas prices at 3.59, there's no way he could commute daily. To save money and sanity, he stays with generous friends who assure us they are happy to have him. We text throughout the day, and if there's something we don't want to forget, we'll email too. Even though he's gone more than he's home, we're really in each other's lives throughout each day. When he's gone and I'm not swamped with the children's school work, laundry, dinner, and diffusing arguments, I realize I miss my husband. But I'm swamped with that list of chores more often than not. You would think that the nights he was home would be cherished, that we'd take advantage the four evenings that we're together each week. It's a sad fact that we're both content to catch up on our favorite shows on Hulu most nights, too fried from the day to have anything deep and meaningful, or even clever, to say. We've already texted all the days' highlights, and some nights it seems like there's not much else that needs to be said.

This weekend is different. This weekend, he's away spending uninterrupted time with God. Three days without technology. No phone. No connection to work or family. No distractions from God.

I've been praying for God to bless this Crusillo weekend for months, and I knew God could do great things with these days. What I didn't realize is that, for the first time since he was deployed to the Middle East nearly ten years ago, we are truly, completely detached from one another. I have no way to contact him, no way to let him in on news or ask his advice. And for the first time in years, we're apart and I truly miss HIM. I feel his absence anytime we're apart, but I'm ashamed to admit that it's mostly his help with the kids and the presence of another adult that I wish for. This time, I'm not a mom wanting the dad to get home and take over. I'm a wife ready to have her husband back. I believe that what I'm feeling this weekend is God working in my marriage and in our life.

A few months ago, a Christian radio program reflected on the immense power that a wife has in her marriage. It was said that a husband is supposed to be the head of the household, but

a wife must let her husband lead.

As a wife, I struggle to let my husband lead. I could offer a string of reasons and excuses, but the honest truth is that I feel a need, irrational as it may be, to be standing on at least one of my own two feet. I live in a world that too often values a woman based on how capably she stands on her own. We women feel a need to be valued, heard, and have our opinions matter. There are millions of us blogging to prove it! I'm just not sure that my desire to be valued and heard always comes from God, particularly in my marriage. For me, needing to be heard sometimes feels all too similar to self-righteousness. Sometimes I slip from needing to be heard to needing to be right, and it's those times that I fail the most in my attempt to be a Godly wife.

The truth is, it's only God's value of us that matters, and we are each valued more than we can comprehend. We screw up over and over, and only through God's grace are we able to get back up again. So many of us are blessed with a Godly husbands who are smart, hard working, trustworthy and humble. I have every faith that those husbands can lead our families closer to our Savior if we are willing to LET THEM. I believe that Amos is being moved to greater things this weekend, and I'm so excited and ready to follow him as he leads his family in our walk with Christ.

Road Trip: A Wisconsin Adventure

During my two hour drive to meet my husband and get away for the weekend, I prayed. I petitioned for our safety during our travel, offered thanks for the opportunity to retreat from the stress of child rearing and work and focus on our marriage for a while, and asked that Amos and I grow together in Christ, being open to what seeds may be planted during our trip. I just love when God answers prayer! We left the ol' mini van in St. Louis, packed the Versa, and we were headed north!

An overnight stay with a great friend and a quick stop at my favorite cupcakery later, we found ourselves across the Wisconsin border. The topography looked much like Missouri's rolling hills, lush green foliage, and rural communities. We marveled in details unique to Wisconsin. The endless water that peeked once in a while from behind the hills and midwest forests felt foreign to this Missouri gal, used to endless rolling hills. In my travels, the land has always dissolved into sand and palms or jungle-like greenery before the horizon was filled with sparkling water. As we drove along the edge of Lake Michigan, we saw quaint red barns scattered like a city's Starbucks.

Being in Wisconsin felt genuine, simple, and wholesome. More than anywhere else I've been, the farmland and rural communities were filled with a love for Christ. It is a subtle excitement, one that seemed to be a way of life here. Communities seemed to be confidently rooted in God's Word.

Door County, Wisconsin's "thumb" is sandwiched between Green Bay and Lake Michigan. Blonde haired children working the family campground greeted us with soft Wisconsin accents. Amos and I loved that we were never more than twenty minutes from a shoreline, and we loved that the sun rose and set over a water horizon in this rural community. What a blessing to have the awe of both in one place!

We sat on the dock of the bay and watched the sunset together.

Cherry season is serious business in Door County. Amos and I took our bucket to the orchard rows and filled it with dark red berries. We picked cherries as it started to sprinkle, and walked back toward the barn through a shower of heavy, cold Wisconsin raindrops. It was perfect.

We spent a day in Chicago before heading home, and while we hadn't planned on this adventure, we both enjoyed our day sightseeing together. I loved getting to show my husband a city that I love. We enjoyed the bustle of the city and the quiet of the parks with the Chicago skyline behind us.

We traveled to the 95th floor of John Hancock to enjoy the view from atop the city. We walked Navy Pier and Chicago's Riverwalk. We discovered new neighborhoods that left this girl excited to explore them on the next visit. We stopped into the world of American Girl which hit a soft spot with a certain Daddy who brought a very special doll home for his youngest daughter.

The drive home began with music and comfortable silence, and transitioned to a sharing of faith, struggles, advice, and appreciation for one another. If we had needed to be away from home for a month in order to share those last four hours, it would have been worth it.

Praise be to God who know what we need even when we are clueless!

Proposal

I love it when I catch a glimpse of my son's tender heart. Tonight the whole family went shopping together at J.C. Penny. We stopped by the jewelry department for Big Sister, and a round stand of boxed rings caught Little Mister's eye. He was SO excited to see so many rings, and at first, I couldn't understand why. After examining a few one at a time, he spun around, looked up at me with excitement in his blue eyes and proclaimed, "This is the perfect ring to give my bride when I'm big!" I was so stunned as I realized why he's been so happy to see the ring display. His use of the term "Bride" made me tear up a bit, and just his anticipation of marriage truly made my heart swell.

I've always impressed upon my children that marriage is not the only plan God lays before his children. I've talked with all of them about the possibility of being called to religious life or simply to live single in order to serve God in a special way. My sweet Little Mister had never faltered in his desire to be a husband and daddy. His mind is often consumed with the steps he must take in order to be ready to lead a family, and I'm coming to realize that marriage and fatherhood seems to be written in his heart.

Our home contains its share of disagreements, and snide remarks are, unfortunately, tossed between my husband and I from time to time. I'm so thankful that God allowed me this opportunity to see that my husband and I are living an example of marriage that our 5 year old sees as exciting and important and a PRIVILEGE. He watches my husband work so hard for us and notices that Daddies should get down and play with their kids. When he thinks about what career he'd like to have, his concern is always his ability to be a good daddy with his job.

Standing in that department store watching my son kneel down on one knee, box held in front of him and ask, "Will you marry me?" with a huge grin on his face, I was in awe of the child in front of me, so grown up in just five years. How precious and fleeting is the gift of parenthood.

Slip of the Tongue

Little Mister is a pretty smart cookie, but he's like all kids- sometimes he gets his words a little mixed up. He used to say bana instead of banana... you know, like all little ones. I know that I'll cary one such slip of the tongue as a cherished memory, and I'll be a little sad when he finally gets it right. See, Little Mister can't quite grasp the concept of the 'w' in wife. Instead, he says life. The replacement of one tiny letter makes me smile and reflect on marriage every time the word comes into his 4-year-old conversations.

After Aunt Amanda accepted her boyfriend's marriage proposal, Little Mister said with great excitement, "Mamma, now Dan will finally have a life!"

Hilarious, yes, but other times, like today, he talks about his daddy. He says something like, "Mamma, I'm so glad that you married Daddy and became Daddy's life." Yes, son. Me too. I'm eternally grateful to have a husband who really does make me his LIFE.

And sometimes he's just cute. Sometimes he'll talk about growing up and getting married. And when he does, I always point out that God might want him to be a priest or single when he grows up. And inevitably, he says, "But Mom, I want to have a life!" And then we get to talk about the incredible life of a priest and the unique abilities possessed by those called to the single life.

Whenever we talk about wives, no matter how hard I'm laughing, I'm compelled to say a quick, silent prayer that he lives as if the two words truly have the same meaning. I pray that, should he be called to marriage, he makes his wife his life... a life centered around and enveloped by God's love.

Having a Baby Change Everything

I remember a time when I left a restaurant arm in arm with my husband. Maybe he'd have his arm around my shoulders, or he'd be guiding me with his hand against the small of my back. I'd be looking up at him, smiling or laughing at one of his goofy comments. He'd open my car door and tuck me safely inside; I'd wait for him to take his seat beside me. It was just the two of us.

And then there's tonight. When we left Texas Roadhouse, me ten feet in front of him trying to keep Little Mister from running off toward the car, him with an armful of Little Miss and the birthday presents from the evening. I opened the passenger side sliding door and helped Little Mister into his seat. Daddy opened the opposite door and buckled Little Miss.

Life is so very different now than it was 4 years ago. Blissfully happy, but almost unrecognizably different. We just fit together, my husband and I, we worked. Now we're like a well-oiled machine. We have to be, but the mechanic evenings that we have sometimes... No, there's no real room for spontaneity. Not like there used to be. The kids have us running in seventeen directions, leaving little time for simply smiling up into his face.

But I suppose I'll have that back soon enough. Before long, we'll be missing the craziness that is our life right now. Before long, we'll walk arm in arm from restaurants behind a group of kids too old to want to run off into the street. I'll let him open the car door for me because we won't have to help the little one into their seats. And we'll miss the days when we had to put so much effort into keeping control of our life.

Brr!

Peppermint Schnapps and Hot Cocoa

Snuggling in with Hubby, a fire, and a movie

Doesn't get much better on a 16 degree night!

Reflection

Do you ever wonder where you'd be in your life were it not for [fill in the blank]? I am fully aware that the very line of thought negates the "bloom where you're planted"/"Seize the Day" mentality that I typically try to keep. Seriously, though, I cannot be the only satisfied girl on the planet who reminisces about where she was ten years ago and looks forward to where she'll be ten years later.

The thing I've noticed lately is that when I think about what was and is to come, I never find myself wondering what life would be like without my husband. I think about what we'd be like if we'd successfully put off having kids for a few years, I think about what we'd be like if we'd never had any at all, I think about what we might be like with a few more and what life will be like when we finally get to experience being married without kids in the house. Sometimes I wonder what we'd be doing had we managed our finances properly as young single adults or what we'll do in five years when we've recuperated. I wonder what my appearance would be like had I not had more children, what it will be like when I'm able to exercise without children underfoot. I used to reminisce about myself, but now, instead of "What would my life have been like if...?" I wonder what OUR life would have been like if... or what it will be like when...

I used to think that five years of marriage would bring a routine, a constant, a general feeling of having the hang of it. But as we're living year number five, I'm realizing how much we're learning... about ourselves, about each other, about marriage. And the more I learn, the more I realize how little we know. I am SO excited to find out what marriage is like 10, 25, 50 years in. Because, so far, I still feel like I'm playing house a lot of the time. I feel excited about building a future with a wonderful man, and I'm having a blast living as his wife.

I can't imagine where I'd be had I not discovered what marriage should really be like... had I remained trapped by the high school girl naivety about finding self worth in men. I have to admit, when it comes to raising my daughters to be strong, traditional, Godly, and feminine, I'm groping around in the dark a lot of the time. Some days I find myself praying before each sentence I speak to Big Sister. Though we come with our share of faults and weaknesses, it's comforting to know that God has provided a healthy marriage for my daughters to witness, one that sets an example of how preciously she deserves to be treated should she be called to the vocation of marriage. And I thank God every day that Little Mister is watching his Daddy be a dedicated, loving, strong father and husband.

Thanks for stopping by,

Excitement, Fear, and Fulfillment

Someone told me recently that when I die, I'll be regretting all the things I avoided because I was scared. I've been thinking about that statement a lot since then. It was meant to mean that I didn't have enough fun and excitement, meant to mean that I was too conservative, that my lifestyle couldn't possibly be fulfilling. I'm not sorry (and even grateful) that my life doesn't seem "exciting" to that person. My life is not consumed by weekends on the lake, nights out on the town, and a general feeling of worldly freedom. BUT- my life IS exciting. I'm excited EVERY morning to watch God's hand in my life, to see how He wishes to use me today. It's exciting to watch my kids grow up, knowing that I'm doing my best to raise them in the way of The Cross. Fulfillment- that will come after a lifetime of following God, of walking by faith in spite of worldly temptations to live a life that fits today's definition of exciting.

However, I do worry that I'll someday regret the things I avoided because I was scared. Things like confrontation, standing up for my kids, raising them in Christ. Things like staying away from elements of the world that do not honor Him, that seek to destroy the holiness of marriage. THOSE are the things that I am afraid of, the things I pray each day for the courage to do in spite of my fear, the things that I could never do were it not for my faith in Eternal Fulfillment and my desire to hear,

"Well done my good and faithful servant. Since you were faithful in small matters, I will give you great responsibilities. Come, share your master's joy." (Matthew 25:21)

Once Upon a Time... Wedding Memories

Four years ago, I was sitting in this very room spending the night before my wedding with my dear bridesmaids.  There were so many reasons to be nervous, worried, scared... but that night I felt so at ease, so sure that my life was about to become this amazingly strong alliance between my God, my husband, and myself.  Planning our wedding was fun, and I loved making everything so personal, but my excitement came from knowing that I was about to be surrounded by those who had influenced my fiancee and I throughout our lives as we joined as one.  

There were so many moments that God created in our wedding day.  My husband's closest cousin and life long friend, Scott, had passed away; we displayed his picture beside the groomsmen's pew.  His little sister was one of our three candle lighters.  I'm not sure that she would have even noticed that we were missing Scott that day were it not for her happening to take the window sill candles.  She was so touched, and though she cried a little when she saw her brother's picture before her, I believe it was as much a gift for Miranda as it was a comfort for my husband that day.

We took so much care planning or Mass.  Both my sister's sang.  Our readings, prayers, and petitions praised our God and begged blessings for our life together.  We were so blessed to kneel before the altar together, surrounded by a church full of loved ones praying for us and surrounded by His mercy, grace, and love.  What better way could we have asked to begin our marriage...

I distinctly remember hanging on to that hand, in awe of the man that God had intended me to be one with, amazed at what He had led us both through to be ready for each other.  

And then I found myself married to this crazy, fantastic man!  I knew that, no matter what, he would always be able to make me smile, laugh, and be comforted knowing that he is as committed to me as I to him.

Our wedding part was extensive!  Six bridesmaids and groomsmen, three candle lighters, my daughter the miniature bride, four flower girls, two ushers, and one ring bearer.  Some people would find this excessive, but we truly wanted each person in our wedding to have a special role in our day.  My bridesmaids were my two sisters, two cousins, and two life long friends.  The groomsmen were fraternity brothers, my brother, and a high school friend.  My brothers-in-law served as our ushers, and our young cousins made up the rest of the party.

Our wedding cake was amazing, perfect really.  My aunt made it for us based on a picture I'd found.  She was so very nervous that the cake would topple at any moment.  This was before I took up cake decorating myself, so I didn't understand her concern.  Boy, do I now!  The cake held up beautifully!

The decor of our wedding was so personal!  We ordered roses wholesale from Ecuador so that we could afford the amount I wanted.  We collected wedding pictures from our married guests and displayed them at the bases of our centerpieces amidst quotes and verses about love and marriage.  I so enjoyed watching our guests wander around the tables laughing at wedding shots from the 1970's, smiling at the ones from the 1920's.  

We were so lucky to be surrounded by so many people who love and support us.  We are still lucky to be surrounded by such extensive, through-thick-and-thin family!

And then we were off to start our life together!  We had big plans... have children in a few years, conquer the world, move somewhere exciting... Life certainly hasn't been what we've expected in the last four years.  We thought we'd just  now be getting around to creating a bundle of joy, certainly not entertaining the idea of a third for us and fourth for our family.  We thought we'd be living in the suburbs, certainly not getting ready to settle into my grandparents' home for the next ten years of longer.  I, for one, never imagined to live through four years of marriage and have NO complaints or heartaches.  Don't get me wrong, we've had our issues to work though, but those were issues outside of ourselves. Those were personal dilemmas, issues with other individuals.  I never believed that marriage could be this... happy.  I've lived the best four years of my life in this too-small-for-us house with my crazy husband and our silly kids.  

PS- Happy Anniversary to you and yours, Mrs. Haid!