Telling the TWEEN

This book I'm reading- Successful Foster Care Adoption- includes a list of heavy questions to ponder and take into consideration when getting into foster care adoption. Some of those questions I had already answered, but others I found worth exploring again.

If you are already a parent, have you presented your intention to adopt to your children?

Telling the TWEEN

Amos and I decided to tell Miss J alone first. At twelve years old, she's aware of the impact of adding to our family (through pregnancy OR adoption) and, quite frankly, had been less than thrilled with the idea of adopting most of the time. On a car ride, Amos and I told her that God was leading us to take classes to license us to adopt. She mostly nodded and listened as we explained the process of becoming licensed to adopt and that it wasn't guaranteed that we would adopt when it was over. 

That evening, I must have asked my sweet 12-year-old a dozen times how she felt. 

Tweens have A LOT of emotions!! 

J first felt like she didn't have a say in our family's future, and she was worried about the classes and meetings occurring when she was away with her dad for the summer. She didn't want to miss anything or feel left out. My heart hurt for her. I hadn't even thought about that aspect of the timing! I assured her that there wouldn't be much to see and that we'd keep her up to speed with everything that we could. 

She wasn't crazy about having more little siblings who get into her stuff, yell or cry and generally get in the way of her life.

She hated the idea of sharing her room.

Amos and I talked a lot about the reasons we felt God leading us to foster care adoption, and we visited about the sweet kids who needed a home like ours. I sat down with J and looked through Missouri's Heart Gallery, talking about each child. I think reading the profiles, some with interests much like hers, helped J to begin to understand that every kid deserves a safe home and unconditional love. 

I ask J nearly daily what she's thinking and how she's feeling about everything, and I will continue to ask.

I do my best to keep her informed of any new developments, and I try to have the fun "I wonder what child God has in store..." conversations as well. 

My goal with J is to keep the communication open and offer her a safe, no-judgement place to land with her thoughts. 

Meeting that goal will require lots of prayer, attention, sharing, and opportunities to have uninterrupted conversations. For us, those opportunities come in the form of movie nights, manicure appointments, Daddy-Daughter dates, teaming up on housework and visits on the bedroom floor after the littles go to sleep. My sweet girl has already made huge leaps forward, and I CANNOT wait to see more of the work that God is doing in her heart! 

Read Part 2: Telling the LITTLES

Still Fumbling Blindly and Prayerfully through Tween Parenting

Big Sister came home with a small, black, velvet box today. From a boy I've never heard about (and I hear about the boys, let me tell ya). Inside was a set of earrings and a matching brooch. It looked like it could've come from one of the Wal-Mart displays. The cubic zirconia ones, not the under-lock-and-key kind.

My first reaction is to share in her excitement. I listened to her tell the story of how this boy presented her with the box on the playground at recess. I listened to her tell me that her teachers all said it was pretty. I acknowledged how exciting is must've been to receive a gift like this. And then I ask her if she thinks she should accept it. And that's when I turn from fun mom to rain-on-my-parade mom.

In my mind, I'm thinking, "what if the kid took this from his mother's jewelry box..."

"How could these teachers act like this is amazing? Oh yeah, they aren't here to teach my faith. That was our last school. Bummer..."

"How hard is it going to be on this kid to have his gift returned..."

"How difficult will it be for Big Sister to return it..."

"What kind of parent lets a 9-year-old give real jewelry? They can't know about this..."

"What happened to wanting to Big Sister wanting to watch her friends make dumb decisions about boys..."

"Oh, CRAP!"

And so we talk about how jewelry is a bit too grown up for 4th grade. And how if we're in a hurry to experience the excitement of stuff meant for us when we're older, then when we're older, we might find other things to be excited by that aren't so good. And she tells me that she just wants to go with the flow. And I tell her that we can rarely do that and still follow what God wants us to do. And she seems to get that. But she still doesn't like the thought of giving the jewelry back.

You see, I'm the mom who wouldn't allow my daughter to attend the 4th and 5th grade dance, where the boys were asking the girls to be their dates. Because, seriously, they can't just throw a party- why do they have to make it cool to act old?

Am I being too harsh? Setting myself up for a daughter who doesn't confide in me? Perhaps. But I'm not about to be one of those moms who acts like her daughter can do no wrong. One of those moms who acts like her daughter knows more at ten than herself at 30-something (or 20-something in my case). I'm going to be the kind of mom who is clear about her beliefs and opinions. I'm going to parent so that Big Sister can look back when she's in her teens and 20's and know what her Mamma would say. I'm going to be consistent to my beliefs, because there is, in my opinion, no place more important (and sometimes painful) to stand up for what I believe than in parenting.

Contemplating

I'm considering forming a support group for mothers of tweenage daughters. The group would get together twice a month. Once to do a great mother-daughter activity in the hopes of finding those 5 year olds who used to think we were great and once to do nothing but cry, complain, drink strawberry margaritas and count down the years until they're old enough to be our friends again.

Yes, I am serious.

Irked

It can drive a quiet natured woman to screaming hysterics.  It pierces through a room sharper than nails dragging slowly down a classroom chalkboard.  Those who live with it walk guarded, never knowing when it might emerge.  

8 year old attitude.

Me (after 2 weeks of requesting she get started on this project)- "Let me pass you the sticker letters and you stick them on the paper."

Daughter: "I want to use the shiny letters."

Me: "There aren't any shiny A's. You need A's for your title."

Daughter: "Why can't I just do it myself?!?"

Me: "You could have if you'd started this over spring break like I suggested.  Now it's past bedtime, so I need to help you go faster by handing you the stickers.  Let's go."

Daughter: "I'm going to tell Ms. R everything.  I'm going to tell her that you wouldn't let me use the shiny letters and that you handed them to me.  She'll give me a bad grade, and it'll be all your fault!" 

Me: "Stop sassing.  If you do it again, you'll be in the naughty spot."

Daughter: "But..." Whine, whine whine...

Me: "Ok, set in the naughty spot, I'm setting the timer."

8 minutes later...

Me: "You have until 9:30 to finish your book report.  Then you're going to bed, finished or not."

Daughter under her breath: "Fine, but if I get a zero, it's going to be your fault."

I had stopped using time out as this one became a tween, but it's made a come back recently around our house.  I use it for my 3 year old, so I think the combination of the longer time (8 minutes is forever!) and the fact that she's sentenced to the baby's naughty corner really irks her.  Good. I'm irked by the constant shirking of responsibility.  By the blame that is placed on anyone and everyone but her.  By her seeming blindness to her ability take control of her tasks.  By the boundary pushing, arguing, and assumption that she has equal say in this house.  By her attempted use of guilt to get what she wants.  Grr...  Anyone else feel like taking up kickboxing?  If you don't, your kids probably aren't 8 yet.  My game plan is to pray that this is yet another phase that must be beat (figuratively), be consistent yet open to new discipline ideas, and pray some more that we come out the other side of this still gabbing about what boy she thinks is cute in her class.