Friday, January 15, 2010

Giving It

Two years ago, I found this on the clearance racks during my winter clearance shopping out the outlet mall.

I snagged it, thinking with my practical mind that I could give it as a gift if I didn't need it myself. My hormonal, sleep deprived mind (I'd given birth about 3 months prior) assumed that the shirt would end up hung in Little Miss' closet when she was wearing a 2T, and I have been secretly looking forward to it ever since.

A few days ago, I pulled out the pastel pink and purple storage tub containing the 2T clothing. The big sister shirt was laying neatly on the top of the pile as if I hadn't wanted to shove it into the bottom crevices of the Rubbermaid. As if it held a place of honor.

I cried.

I am not a crier. But in my defense, I had been stuck mommying indoors with a husband away for a week and simultaneously entertaining my monthly visitor.

I cried tears disappointment and guilt.

I cried because I thought we'd have another baby on the way by now... maybe even one squirming in my arms right then.

Because I thought I'd be that much closer to life with independent children, life with a few hours of silence while the kids were at school, of life with time for gym memberships and hair appointments.

I cried because I've been a mother since I was 16 and because I'm ready to be finished raising little ones, as much as I love babies and would love another.

I cried because I'll be giving Little Miss' shirt to my dear cousin. My cousin who has a little boy the same age as Little Mister. And a daughter the same age as Little Miss. The cousin who started trying to get pregnant again when we did. The cousin who will meet her newest baby boy in a couple months.

And I cried because I realized how incredibly selfish most of my emotions were.

And then I gave it to God, wiped my eyes, and unpacked the box of clothes.


Jessica said...

I think the cold weather and snow have been hard on all stay at home mommies. I know I was going coo coo last week until I got out of the house finally. Hope you are feeling better after your cry! :)

Nel said...

I have cried many a tears over babies... babies clothes... other people being pregnant... And I say it's ok to cry, I think it helps to get it out sometimes. And I hope that in time you get your baby that you want and until then enjoy your time without having to carry car seats around and diaper bags everywhere you go! Hang in there ;)

Mrs. Haid said...

I had baby fever three months post birth, too.